Is It Wrong to Ask My Fiance to Repay Small Loans? | AITA

Are you the jerk for expecting your fiancé to reimburse you for small sums of money? You've been financially supporting your partner, who works part-time and doesn't contribute equally to your shared expenses.

While you've covered significant costs for her, she frequently asks for smaller amounts to cover daily expenses, leaving you feeling like you're constantly lending without repayment. You've expressed concerns about her work ethic and financial responsibility, contemplating the impact on your future together.

Reddit users are divided on whether you're in the wrong for requesting repayment. Some believe your fiancé's behavior signals financial incompatibility, urging caution before marriage.

Others advise against enabling her dependency on your support, emphasizing the importance of shared financial values in a relationship. The ongoing financial strain and lack of repayment are causing tension, raising doubts about your compatibility in the long run.

As the discussion unfolds, users offer varied perspectives on navigating financial differences in relationships. Some suggest pre-marriage counseling to address financial expectations, while others caution against proceeding with marriage without resolving these issues.

The thread highlights the complexities of financial dynamics in relationships, underscoring the need for open communication and shared financial goals for a successful partnership.

Original Post

I know that my (28m) fiance (27f) and I will pretty much have combined finances especially once we are married and that what is done monetarily for one another should be for the good of us as a whole, but not sure if I’m crossing the line lately. My fiance does not have a full time job and hasn’t held one the entirety (2 years) that I’ve known her.

It’s been part time jobs for her ranging anywhere from 1-4 days of work a week. Her work and her hours are very sporadic and she definitely does not put in close to the 40 hours I do at my full time job.

Now I’ve helped her with major expenses before such as medical, vet emergencies, car costs, etc that she could not afford and I was told I would be getting that money back, but never did. Lately she has me sending her $20, $30, $40 here or there what seems like almost every few days to help her cover some random expense like gas, food because she didn’t pack a lunch at work and wants to buy something, clothing she needs, etc.

I’ve told her she needs to start paying me back on this stuff, but it feels wrong asking my fiance for $20 from xyz day she owes me from. However I have serious financial goals and want to invest my money into things that will help better our lives.

Looking at how much money over the course of a year I will have given her ends up in the thousands by the time the year is over. I’ve told her she needs to put in more hours, search for better jobs, etc, but she reverts to working a few days a week.

Sometimes due to the nature of her jobs she will make a ton of money in a few hours and then come home, chill, and not work the rest of the week, until she feels like going to work again. She gets pretty upset when I tell her she has no excuses to not put in 40 hours a week just like I do and the vast majority of the US.

We don’t have kids at the moment. I’ve been on the fence about actually following through marrying her if these type of financial stresses keep coming up.

It’s showing me she could potentially start asking for even greater amounts of money in the future and not being able to support herself when I need her to. Sometimes she willingly pays me back without me having to ask, which is rare, but often times I will have to bring it up again and again just to get some cash back from her.

AITA? Tldr; My (28m) fiance (27f) has been short on cash lately and been asking for money, which I don’t end up receiving back the majority of the time.

She becomes upset that I’m asking for $20, $30, $40 back here or there from her and says it stresses her mentally. AITA?

Understanding Financial Strain and Relationships

Financial strain can have profound effects on relationships, often leading to significant emotional turmoil. As noted by Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist, "Financial stress can exacerbate existing tensions and lead to a breakdown in communication and trust." When one partner feels the weight of financial responsibility, it can create imbalances that foster resentment and anxiety, making it difficult for the couple to connect on other levels. This is particularly relevant in your situation, where the expectations around financial contributions appear to differ significantly between you and your partner. Recognizing these differences can be the first step toward addressing underlying tensions and fostering a more equitable partnership. Open discussions about finances can help both partners feel heard and understood, which is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship amidst external pressures, as emphasized by Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist who states, "Communication about finances is essential for relationship health."

Comment from u/lihzee

Comment from u/aemondstareye

It's not uncommon for partners to have conflicting views on financial responsibilities. According to a study by Rick, Small, and Finkel (2011), these differences often stem from varying personal histories and societal influences that shape our attitudes toward money. Understanding where these views originate can help facilitate a more productive dialogue between you and your fiancée, enabling you both to navigate this complex topic with greater ease.

Taking the time to discuss your financial backgrounds may illuminate why you each approach money the way you do, which can foster empathy in your discussions. This understanding can lead to more effective communication, allowing for the establishment of common ground. Remember, financial compatibility goes beyond mere numbers; it encompasses values, priorities, and goals that influence your shared future.

Comment from u/Pipsnsqueek

Comment from u/ThrowItAway4Evaa

The Impact of Communication on Financial Issues

Effective communication is essential in navigating financial issues within relationships. Research conducted by Papp, Cummings, and Goeke-Morey (2009) highlights the importance of constructive communication; it not only resolves conflicts but also significantly strengthens the bond between partners. Engaging in open dialogue involves actively listening to each other and expressing your concerns without resorting to accusations or blame, which can often escalate tensions.

To foster this environment, consider scheduling regular financial check-ins where both partners can openly discuss their needs, feelings, and expectations regarding money. These check-ins can create a safe space for dialogue, encouraging transparency and understanding. By making time for these discussions, you can align your financial goals and work together to address any concerns, ultimately leading to a more harmonious relationship and a shared vision for your financial future.

Comment from u/ocnozix

Comment from u/ElceeBDHC1277

Setting clear financial boundaries is critical for a healthy relationship. According to research by Archuleta et al. (2013), establishing these boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters trust between partners. When both individuals are on the same page regarding their financial situation, it reduces the likelihood of conflict over money matters. You might want to outline the specifics of lending, such as amounts and repayment timelines, to clarify expectations and ensure that both parties feel secure in their agreements.

Moreover, having open discussions about finances can help identify each partner's financial goals and priorities, leading to a more balanced partnership. Establishing these boundaries can lead to a more balanced partnership and alleviate financial stress for both of you, ultimately strengthening the relationship and enhancing mutual respect.

Comment from u/Lucky_Volume3819

Comment from u/WolfGoddess77

Understanding Work Ethic and Financial Responsibility

Work ethic and financial responsibility are often intertwined, creating a significant impact on personal relationships. According to Suze Orman, a renowned financial advisor, "Your work ethic directly influences your financial decisions and overall stability." This correlation suggests that a robust work ethic can lead to better financial decision-making and stability. If your fiancée’s part-time work leaves you feeling uneasy about her financial contributions to your shared life, it may be essential to discuss work ethic openly and honestly. Engaging in such a conversation can provide both of you with valuable insights into each other's motivations, aspirations, and perspectives regarding financial matters. By addressing this topic, you can foster a deeper understanding of each other’s views, potentially leading to a more equitable division of financial responsibilities. This proactive approach could strengthen your partnership and ensure that both parties feel valued and secure in their financial commitments.

Comment from u/Euphoric_Travel2541

Comment from u/Majestic_Republic_45

It's important to recognize that expectations about financial contributions can vary significantly based on cultural and personal beliefs. According to Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist, "Understanding each other's financial backgrounds is crucial to building a strong partnership." These differences can create friction if not properly addressed, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts that may strain relationships if left unresolved. Exploring each other’s backgrounds and values can help clarify these beliefs and establish common ground. This dialogue not only sheds light on differing perspectives but also promotes empathy and appreciation for one another's experiences. Engaging in this exploration can foster mutual respect and understanding, paving the way for more collaborative financial planning. Ultimately, approaching financial discussions with openness and curiosity can transform potential disagreements into opportunities for growth, ensuring that both parties feel valued and heard in the decision-making process.

Comment from u/bmw5986

Comment from u/NaturesVividPictures

The Role of Trust in Financial Matters

To prevent future financial misunderstandings, consider implementing a structured approach that fosters open communication. Immediate steps include having a candid conversation about your financial expectations today, ensuring that both partners are on the same page. This dialogue is crucial for establishing trust and transparency, which are foundational for a healthy financial relationship.

In the short term, aim to create a shared budget over the next 1-2 weeks that outlines contributions and expenses. This budget should reflect both partners’ income and spending habits, allowing for a clear understanding of financial responsibilities. Long-term, it’s beneficial to revisit this budget every few months to adjust it based on changes in your circumstances or feelings. Regular check-ins can help both partners feel secure and valued, significantly reducing the possibility of conflict over financial matters and promoting a sense of teamwork in achieving shared financial goals.

Comment from u/Striking_Balance7667

Comment from u/CattleConnect5294

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

Comment from u/Similar_Pineapple418

Comment from u/Library306

Comment from u/Quick-Possession-245

Comment from u/Due-Teaching-2812

Comment from u/ViolentFlames13

Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the complex interplay between financial dynamics and relationship health. The expectation for financial reciprocity can stem from deeply ingrained beliefs about responsibility and partnership, which may differ significantly between individuals. When one partner feels overwhelmed by financial burdens, it can lead to resentment and stress, underscoring the importance of open communication and clearly defined financial boundaries to foster mutual understanding and trust.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, your feelings of resentment for constantly lending money without repayment are valid and reflect broader issues around financial strain, communication, trust, and differing attitudes towards money. It's crucial to have open discussions with your fiancée about these matters. As Suze Orman, a renowned financial advisor, states, "Money is a tool, and how you use it can either build or destroy your relationships." Setting financial expectations and boundaries can ensure a healthier relationship. Furthermore, Dr. Esther Perel, a prominent relationship expert, emphasizes that "the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives," highlighting the importance of managing financial disagreements to enhance marital satisfaction.