Is It Wrong to Date My Friends Ex Without Her Knowing?

A 28-year-old guy is caught in the kind of friendship mess that sounds small until it blows up in your face. He and Sarah have been close for years, the kind of “text me when you get home” bond that makes other relationships feel like background noise.

Then Sarah’s ex, Alex, enters the picture again. They broke up about a year ago, Alex and OP stayed in touch, and somehow Alex confessed feelings, which OP returned. Now OP and Alex are dating, and the complication is brutal: Sarah has never said she was still into Alex, she’s moved on, and she’s currently in a happy relationship, but OP never told her.

It’s not just a secret, it’s a potential friendship grenade, and OP is wondering if he crossed a line without meaning to.

Original Post

So I (28M) have been friends with Sarah (27F) for years. We've always been there for each other through thick and thin.

About a year ago, Sarah broke up with her boyfriend, Alex (30M), due to compatibility issues. After the breakup, Alex and I stayed in touch as friends.

We had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company. Recently, Alex expressed his feelings for me, and I realized I had developed feelings for him too.

We started dating, and things have been amazing between us. For background, Sarah has never mentioned having lingering feelings for Alex or expressed any concerns about us potentially getting together.

She has moved on and is in a happy relationship with someone else. However, I know that Sarah values our friendship greatly.

I haven't told Sarah about my relationship with Alex because I'm afraid it might hurt her. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship or cause any unnecessary drama.

On one hand, I feel guilty for keeping it a secret, but on the other hand, Alex and I genuinely care for each other. I'm torn between wanting to be honest with Sarah and not wanting to hurt her feelings.

So AITA?

The Friendship Dilemma

This situation highlights a real conundrum in friendships: how far does loyalty extend when it comes to love? The OP's decision to date Sarah's ex-boyfriend Alex, without her knowledge, raises significant questions about trust and transparency. While a year has passed since Sarah and Alex broke up, the bond between friends often complicates matters. It’s not just about feelings; it’s also about the potential fallout if Sarah finds out, which could irreparably damage their friendship.

Moreover, the OP's choice to keep this a secret suggests a deeper conflict between personal happiness and loyalty. Many readers resonate with the idea that romantic feelings can sometimes overshadow platonic commitments, sparking a debate about whether the pursuit of love justifies keeping secrets from friends.

That’s when the “we’re just friends” story turns into OP and Alex quietly building something real behind Sarah’s back.

Comment from u/Rainbow_Unicorn93

YTA. Even if Sarah seems over Alex, dating a friend's ex can be a major betrayal. You should have been upfront about your relationship with Alex.

Comment from u/CoffeeBeanAddict

NAH. It's a tough situation, but honesty is crucial in friendships. You should come clean to Sarah and explain your feelings.

Comment from u/GuitarHero23

NTA. If Sarah has moved on and is happy, she shouldn't have a say in whom you or Alex date. Your happiness matters too.

Comment from u/PizzaLover99

YTA. Friends should communicate openly, especially about sensitive topics like this. Secrets have a way of coming out and could damage your friendship.

A year after Alex and Sarah broke up, OP’s feelings show up anyway, right as Sarah is already thriving with someone else.

Comment from u/SunnyDaze

ESH. Sarah should have been informed out of respect, but you and Alex also have the right to pursue your own happiness. Open communication is key.

This gets messy like the AITA about dating a best friend’s ex, even years later.

Comment from u/Bookworm_87

NTA. As long as Sarah is truly happy in her current relationship, your dating Alex shouldn't be an issue. Just be prepared for any fallout from not disclosing it.

Comment from u/HikingAdventurer

YTA. Dating a friend's ex without disclosure can be hurtful, even if Sarah seems content now. It's better to be honest and address any potential concerns together.

When OP realized Alex had feelings for him too, the real problem was not romance, it was the fact that Sarah never got a heads-up.

Comment from u/MovieBuff365

NAH. Relationships are complicated, but honesty is essential in friendships. Sarah deserves to know the truth, even if it might be uncomfortable.

Comment from u/TravelBug2021

NTA. If Sarah has moved on and hasn't shown any signs of residual feelings for Alex, you have the right to pursue your own happiness. Just tread carefully.

Comment from u/GamerGirlElite

YTA. Friendship is built on trust and honesty. Keeping such a significant relationship a secret from Sarah could damage the bond you share. Communication is key.

Now OP is stuck between telling Sarah the truth and risking the exact friendship he’s been protecting all along.

What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!.

Complicated Emotions at Play

This story strikes a chord because it taps into the messy intersection of love and friendship. The OP appears to be navigating a gray area that many can relate to; the heart doesn’t always follow societal norms. By deciding to date Alex, there’s an implicit suggestion that the OP may not fully value Sarah's feelings or their friendship. This can lead to feelings of betrayal, especially if Sarah considers Alex her 'what could have been' scenario.

Interestingly, the community reactions are divided. Some argue that a year is enough time for a friend to move on, while others feel that dating an ex without consent is a breach of trust. This dilemma pulls readers into a broader conversation about the ethics of dating within friend circles and how those dynamics shift when romance enters the equation.

Ultimately, this story underscores the complexities of navigating friendships and romantic relationships. The OP’s choice to date Sarah's ex without telling her is a decision that could lead to significant emotional consequences for all involved. What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts!

In this situation, the user’s decision to date Sarah's ex, Alex, reflects a common struggle between personal desire and loyalty to friends. The fact that Sarah appears to have moved on with someone else complicates matters, but it doesn’t eliminate the potential for hurt feelings. The user’s hesitation to disclose the relationship seems rooted in a fear of jeopardizing their long-standing friendship, highlighting how profound the conflict can be when love and loyalty collide. Ultimately, this scenario raises important questions about trust and the ethics of romantic pursuits within friend groups.

He might be dating Alex, but the real fallout is whether Sarah ever trusts him again.

Before you keep quiet, read how one person handled a crush who “bad-mouthed” him.