Is It Wrong To Leave My Son At The Hospital Overnight With His Mom Instead Of Staying
AITA for not staying overnight at the hospital with our son along with my ex-wife? Read how our different approaches to caring for our sick child sparked a debate.
A dad thought he was doing the reasonable thing, grabbing a few hours of sleep in a real bed while his son recovered in the hospital. Then his ex-wife, the boy’s mom, decided that leaving for the night was basically unforgivable.
The situation is already brutal: their son has pneumonia so bad he needed surgery to drain fluid from his chest, and now he has a chest tube. They’ve been there about eight days, and the fever is finally easing, but the stakes are still high. Dad has been showing up every day, and he’s only trying to rotate nights so he can function for early rounds and possible procedures like labs and X-rays.
What makes it messy is that he offered his ex the exact same chance to go home, and she refused, then made it his problem.
Original Post
Update below: Our son has a bad case of pneumonia requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest and now he has a chest tube. The infection is pretty bad, we’ve been here about 8 days and he is finally starting to turn a corner.
The fevers are less frequent and not as high. I have been here everyday and will continue to do so.
His mom, my ex wife, is also here but during the day she’s working (remotely) and a little more distracted. A couple days ago, with our son showing some progress, I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest.
His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns I leave. At that time our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping.
I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30am to make sure I am here for the rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays.
Full transparency, my girlfriend lives near by and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed. I’ve offered my son’s mom the same opportunity, I’ve told her that if she wanted to go home for the night I am more than happy to stay.
However, she refuses and today when I made the same offer she said no, she’s going to stay with our son and doesn’t understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner. Apparently she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the a*****e for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex wife, instead of staying the night.
Should I also be staying if she’s here? Typo: It is Ex-wife not extra wife, although I’m glad I didn’t catch it because the extra wife comments gave me a much needed laugh, thank you.
Update: first of all, I want to thank you all for your well wishes, it truly means a lot! We are still at the hospital but my son is doing much better.
Chest tube is schedule to come out tomorrow, he is responding well to new antibiotics, appetite is back, and fevers have been gone for over 48 hours, thank god! I continue to offer my son’s mom to go home for the night but she continues to refuse.
However, she is taking longer breaks during the day and it seems like she is getting some rest because she comes back looking more refreshed. Since she insists on staying, I continue to leave for a few hours at night to get some sleep.
However, I am back first thing in the morning before they wake and to make sure I don’t miss any procedure, labs, x-ray, CT scan or any rounds, which I haven’t, and I stay until my son falls asleep.
His mom is better about me leaving, I think because she sees how present and involved I am in our son’s care, treatment, and treatment plan. So she stopped with the petty comments, for now, or she found this thread lol.
All this has taught me a valuable lesson, we hear about it all the time but this experience really made me believe it. We cannot take care of other people if we don’t take care of ourselves. I am a bigger guy so the tiny bed plus the frequent nurse check-ins make it impossible to get any rest.
I was miserable during the day and was running on fumes, or adrenaline since our son was in the thick of it. Thankfully he’s in a much more stable place.
It really is whatever works for you. This is working for me and I am ok with it.
I get be present all day with my son, stay engaged in his treatment, and he seems to know that I am here for him, as well as his mom. Side note: therapy has been good for me in learning that I needed to stop seeking validation from others and learn and work at looking for validation from within.
Still working on that and I have grown so much in that department everywhere else in my life. I learned, though, that my son’s mom still knows what strings to pull to make me compromise that part of my mental wellbeing.
Although this thread provided some validation, thank you, it was also a big reminder that the validation I truly need is within me. I know I’m doing right by my son, and I also know that I need to take care of myself so my son gets the best possible version of me.
The situation presented by the concerned parent highlights the complexities of co-parenting, particularly in times of crisis. The choice to leave their son at the hospital overnight with his mother, while they opt for a brief respite, underscores the contrasting approaches to caregiving between the ex-partners. This decision reveals how differing priorities can manifest even in critical circumstances, such as when a child is facing serious health challenges like pneumonia and surgery. The emotional strain on both parents is palpable, as they navigate their roles and responsibilities while also managing their own feelings of anxiety and concern for their son’s wellbeing.
Parental Dynamics in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting can be fraught with tension, especially regarding differing approaches to child care.
Comment from u/MrsWeasley9
Comment from u/Creepy-Brick-
When parents fail to align their approaches, it can create confusion for children and strain the co-parenting relationship.
Addressing these differences is essential for maintaining a cohesive parenting strategy.
Comment from u/CaliforniaJade
Comment from u/Kami_Sang
After eight long days, OP is finally seeing progress like fewer and lower fevers, so he tries to sleep instead of staying glued to the chair all night.
Studies in child psychology show that children's emotional well-being is significantly impacted by their parents' involvement during health crises.
This adds a layer of complexity to the father's decision, as it may affect the child's emotional state during a vulnerable time.
Comment from u/artemis1860
Comment from u/Longjumping-Lake1244
Co-parenting requires effective communication and collaboration. By discussing their parenting philosophies openly, parents can align their approaches and reduce conflict.
Comment from u/islandsomething
Comment from u/magszeecat
Meanwhile, his ex-wife is working remotely during the day, then takes over the late afternoon and evening, which is when OP plans his quick out-and-back routine.
Research reveals that children thrive when parents present a united front and share similar values and expectations.
Comment from u/Rochesters-1stWife
Comment from u/T1NK320
Moreover, understanding the emotional impact of decisions on both parents can facilitate empathy and cooperation.
By discussing these emotional triggers, parents can support each other more effectively.
Comment from u/megmelrose
Comment from u/p9nultimat9
To foster a healthier co-parenting dynamic, it's essential for parents to engage in open communication about their child's needs and expectations.
Therapists often recommend regular check-ins to discuss parenting strategies and how to best support the child's emotional well-being.
This collaborative approach can strengthen the co-parenting relationship and provide a more stable environment for the child.
Comment from u/justlurkingnjudging
Comment from u/SwimminginHope
OP says he even offered her the chance to shower, change, and go home for the night, but she hits back with the “how can any parent leave their child” speech.
Practical Strategies for Effective Co-Parenting
To effectively navigate co-parenting, it's advisable to establish regular communication about parenting responsibilities. This could involve weekly check-ins to discuss children's needs and how each parent can support them.
Creating a shared calendar of responsibilities can also help ensure both parents are on the same page.
Comment from u/Entorien_Scriber
Comment from u/midcen-mod1018
Managing emotions during parenting can be challenging, particularly in high-stress situations.
Comment from u/electrax94
Comment from u/dohbriste
Just when the fight is simmering, the chest tube is scheduled to come out tomorrow and the new antibiotics are working, making the whole argument feel even more pointless.
Practicing empathy during discussions about parenting can lead to more constructive resolutions.
Comment from u/rem_1984
Comment from u/Positive_Craft_4591
To improve co-parenting dynamics, it may be helpful for parents to engage in counseling or support groups.
This situation highlights the intricate dynamics of co-parenting, especially when a child is facing a serious health crisis.
The situation outlined in the Reddit post illuminates the complexities of co-parenting during a child's medical crisis.
Building a Cooperative Co-Parenting Relationship
Ultimately, creating a cooperative co-parenting relationship requires ongoing communication and respect for each other's parenting styles.
The emotional landscape of parenting is particularly significant during crises, such as the one faced by the young boy battling pneumonia. The father's dilemma of whether to stay overnight at the hospital or leave his son with his mother raises important questions about emotional availability. The child is already experiencing the stress of surgery and the discomfort of a chest tube, making the need for a stable emotional presence from both parents paramount.
Leaving the child with his mother, who is also providing support, could unintentionally trigger feelings of abandonment or insecurity for the boy. This situation underscores the vital role both parents play in fostering a sense of safety and reassurance during challenging times. The father's choice reflects a deeper concern for his son's emotional well-being, revealing the complexities involved in co-parenting under stress.
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.
He’s still at the hospital, but now he’s wondering if his ex was mad at him or just mad at the idea of anyone needing rest.
Before you decide what help is “fair,” see how the friend who ghosted in need faced backlash when she asked again.
