30 Of The Weirdest Things Parents Have Found Themselves Telling Their Kids
You better believe the conversations you have with a toddler will be some of the most fascinating you will ever have in your lifetime!
Some of the funniest parenting moments happen when kids say something completely unfiltered, and the only thing a parent can do is try to keep a straight face.
This roundup collects 30 of the weirdest things parents have found themselves saying to their children, from bizarre toddler logic to full-on household chaos. The result is a mix of confusion, comedy, and the kind of lines no one ever expects to say out loud.
By the end, you may be wondering how these parents stayed so calm. Read on.
#1 Future Lawyer Right Here
"Having Superman printed pajamas will not enable you to fly, my son. Please sleep on the bottom bunk."
"Stop licking the eggs and put them back in the fridge."
After scolding my then 3-year-old for heading outside in his pajamas ("You don’t go outside in your pajamas, young man!"), I found him stark naked on his tricycle, serenely pedaling up and down the driveway. "Me got no jamas on, mummy!" he proudly told me.
Kids really do treat logic like a suggestion.
#2
"No, your teeth are not asleep. Go brush them."
#3
"Grandpa is not a race car.Grandpa’s wheelchair is not a toy.You may not “drive Grandpa.”"
#4 "I'm Not a Virgin"
I asked my 10-year-old son what he wanted on his pizza one night. He replied, “Well, Mom, I’m not a virgin.” I stopped cold and said, “What?” He said, “I want meat; I’m not a virgin.” “Oh, you’re not a vegetarian,” I said as I exhaled.
#5
"No, hippies are not baby hippos. Yes, I’m sure."
#6
"No, do NOT lick the cat."
#7 That's Your Opinion
"I don’t think you’re old enough to be having a mid-life crisis."
#8
"Go ahead. Walk to Australia. Let me know how that goes."
That one probably ended the argument fast.
#9
"I don’t think the cat sneaks out at night and rides your skateboard."
#10 Is That a Maybe?
"No, no, no, no. No ‘pants off dance off’ at the wedding."
#11
"That’s good that you love the neighbor’s cat, but no, you can’t marry him."
#12
"How can you not know why your tongue is blue? Your tongue was with you all day today, wasn’t it?"
This is like the parent who dressed their child in thrift store clothes against their ex-wife’s wishes, sparking a pettiness-filled co-parenting fight: Am I Wrong for Dressing My Child in Thrift Store Clothes Against My Exs Wishes?.
#13
"I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in ‘stealth mode.’"I ruined my ninja’s self-esteem today.
#14
Submission: “I am sorry the baby keeps biting you, but perhaps if you stop putting your fingers in her mouth, she will stop biting you.”
…Charlie? Is that you??
Some siblings never miss a chance to make things worse.
#15 Stop Asking Questions!
"But how did your underwear get stuck in the bathroom window in the first place?"
#16
"You are not an M&M. Put your clothes back on."
#17
"I am about 99.9% sure you are not getting a chainsaw for Christmas."
Don’t lose all hope. That leaves a 0.1% chance you are.
#18 Grrrrrrrr
"You can growl at me all you want, but you still have to tie your shoes."
#19
"No, I don’t think throwing alligators at people is a good idea."
#20
"I am not going to get in a car crash just to cure your hiccups. That is crazy talk."
#21 She Needs To Go
"Why are you carrying the cat into the bathroom?"
#22
"No, no, no, the police do not need your help ‘investigating.’ Get back here!!"
All kinds of trouble at the park tonight.
#23
"Why is there an axe on the floor?"
Darn Vikings never pick up after themselves.
#24 It Wasn't Clean!!!
Whose underwear is on your head? (It wasn’t his, and it wasn’t clean, and his brother was hiding and giggling)
It wasn’t clean. IT WASN’T CLEAN. brb, vomiting.
#25
"NO! Don’t pull that pin!!"I yelled at my almost 2-year-old as he approached a gas station fire extinguisher with a devious look in his eye.
#26
"I’m sure Grandpa could go to England and not kill anyone."
Grandpa is an Irishman, in case you couldn’t tell.
#27
"Put the guns down and brush your teeth."
#28 That Damn Lightning Bolt
Anonymous asked: No, Gatorade in your eyes will not make you see things faster.
That lightning bolt sure confuses things!
#29
“Stop eating your soup with your fingers!” (To my 10-year-old)
#30
"They’re called ‘discharge papers,’ not 'dementor papers.'"
He was reading Harry Potter while waiting for his X-rays and got confused.
Parenting never runs out of material.
What's the funniest thing you've ever caught yourself saying to your kids?
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Want more family drama, like when a parent questioned their brother’s discipline in front of his kids?
