These 36 Traits Indicate That You Weren't Loved Enough By Your Parents As A Child According to 20+ Redditors With Experience

Nobody is born into this big wild world with a fully formed personality that springs from their genetic makeup. A large part of our lives is influenced by the way we were raised; nevertheless, there are many other factors that play a role.

Despite the difficulty in determining what "good" and "poor" parenting techniques are, some of us did not form a close relationship with our parents due to a lack of attention and affection. To say the least.

It seemed inevitable that when someone asked, "What screams 'You weren't loved by your parents as a child' without saying it" on r/AskReddit, it would elicit a long thread of insightful comments.

People with complicated relationships with their parents resonate with the responses and share some of their own experiences. Some people, however, are fortunate enough to have had caring and involved parents who gave them the love and care they needed as kids.

Regardless of your experience, the goal of this article is to further explore the impacts that such an upbringing can have on our lives.

Scroll down to see some of the most interesting traits shared by users, and feel free to express your thoughts in the comments if you agree or disagree with them.

The question elicited a long thread of insightful comments

u/Tentacle_likes_pr0n

1. Apologizing constantly and unnecessarily for basically existing

I was going to say this. I had to apologize to my stepmom for breathing loud, for standing somewhere she'd just decided she wanted to stand, for not being in a room when she suddenly decided she wanted to tell me something, for needing to eat and sleep and use the bathroom. People would laugh about how they could yell 'hey, come here!' and the moment I got there I'd apologize first thing. But it was an absolute survival mechanism.Preposterous_punk, Liza Summer, thescreamingtree

2. Having an Insecure attachment personality, both avoidant and anxious

One thing that I know I did a lot is have an extremely exaggerated personality because of how bad your social anxiety is. You constantly think everyone is judging you, so you have this carefully calculated sort of facade. You seem funny and spontaneous and extroverted, easy to talk to, and friendly, basically, you become that quirky weird kid. You try so hard to be funny and likable, be just weird enough but in a sort of funny way so that people will like you. Then you get home and are absolutely drained because you really have no social battery but force yourself to have one because that's what your carefully crafted personality calls for. You seem spontaneous and funny but really every move is carefully calculated.69frogs, Lisa

The Impact of Childhood Attachment Styles

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and further explored by Mary Ainsworth, emphasizes the importance of early relationships with caregivers in shaping emotional development. Children who experience inconsistent or inadequate affection often develop insecure attachment styles, which can manifest as anxiety, avoidance, or disorganized behaviors in adult relationships.

Research published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry shows that individuals with insecure attachments are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships. For instance, a study by Fraley and Shaver (2000) indicated that these patterns can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining close romantic relationships later in life.

Addressing these attachment issues through therapy, particularly approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help individuals reshape their relational patterns, fostering healthier connections.

Susan Petang, a certified life coach from "The Quiet Zone Coaching," in an interview, discussed how our upbringing could affect us later in life;

The relationship we have with our parents is super important. When we're children, the adults in our lives are our role models. They show us what it's like to be mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, and how to handle problems, stress, and difficulty.

She further states that we emulate our parents' behavior, even though sometimes we don't realize it.

3. You feel nothing when you're away from your parents for a long time

You don’t miss them, like at all.flimsygator23, Keenan Constance

4. Silent breakdowns or hysterics

My special talent is breaking into full-on hysterics in total silence *with my bedroom open* and then less than 2 minutes later, walk out of my room and nobody has a clue I just had a total breakdown. I cried myself to sleep most of my 26 years so you just get used to it and forget it's not normal.Secret_Life_Shh, Alex Green

5. Not liking or loving yourself. Being able to identify people by their footsteps, the sound of their car outside, how they move around the house, etc.

microfabvcxgvb, Sofia Alejandra

Behavioral patterns often observed in individuals who felt unloved during childhood can be understood through the lens of the 'inner child' concept, which suggests that unresolved childhood experiences can impact adult behavior. For example, individuals might exhibit clinginess or avoidance in relationships, reflecting their unmet needs for affection and security.

According to research from the American Psychological Association, these behaviors are often defense mechanisms that stem from early experiences of neglect or emotional unavailability. A clinical psychologist emphasizes that recognizing and validating these feelings is a crucial step in the healing process.

Even more importantly, Susan warned that a lack of attention and care in childhood might lead to a wide range of emotional problems as an adult.

Lack of self-esteem and the inability to communicate, resolve problems, and manage stress are just some of the problems that can result. It’s important to understand that what we observe as children guides our behavior later in life, she said.If our parents didn't get along with others, we probably won't, either; if the adults in our lives were distant, remote, critical, or negative, the chances are high that we'll do the same. It's also possible that we'll become the extreme opposite of our parents. For example, a girl who has an emotionally unavailable mom might decide that she's not going to be like her mother—and might end up being used and taken advantage of emotionally, instead.

6. Flinching up and closing everything out when someone yells or gets mad at you

M.T ElGassier, Ok-Resort-6054

7. Not being able to self validate

No one taught you how to be confident and sure of yourself...Poor decision making/indecisive...Insecure attachments.dragonborne123, Ethan Sykes

8. Being shocked when a “kid” says how much they love their parent and they mean everything to them and the parent is loving and affectionate

ZestycloseTomato5015, Vidal Balielo Jr

The Role of Parental Affection in Emotional Development

Studies consistently highlight the significant role of parental affection in emotional and social development. Dr. Dan Siegel, a renowned child psychiatrist, emphasizes that "the quality of the parent-child relationship is crucial for a child's emotional health," as noted on his website drdansiegel.com. Research indicates that children who receive consistent affection and support from their parents are more likely to develop resilience and better emotional regulation skills.

Conversely, a lack of affection can lead to emotional dysregulation. Dr. Angela Duckworth, a leading character researcher, states, "Children who experience low levels of parental affection are at a greater risk for anxiety and depression later in life," which aligns with findings from a meta-analysis conducted by Groh et al. (2014). This analysis found a strong correlation between low parental affection and increased instances of anxiety and depression in adolescence and adulthood.

To mitigate these effects, parents can engage in practices that foster emotional connection, such as regular quality time, active listening, and expressing affection verbally and physically.

No need to be worried, Susan reassured us that having parents who weren't too affectionate doesn't guarantee a life of misery. The life coach concluded by saying that;

Even if your childhood role models were poor, it's still possible to learn how to have healthy relationships and positive behavior

9. Constant need of approval by an authority figure

For example, constantly trying to please your history teacher that kinda reminds you of your dad. So every time he grades you well, you feel like you accomplished something; even though he's just your teacher, not your dad, he won't listen to your problems or be present. He's just grading the tests.yeri_berry, Taylor Wilcox

10. Having a huge void in your life where no matter how much love you receive, it’s never enough and you never feel like enough

bedofneuroses, Juan PabloReport

11. Having trouble asking for basic needs

starrygayz, SHVETS production

It's essential to consider how the lack of parental affection can lead to maladaptive coping strategies in adulthood. Research indicates that individuals who did not receive adequate affection may resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or compulsive behaviors, in an attempt to fill emotional voids.

A trauma specialist explains that these coping strategies often serve as temporary relief but ultimately perpetuate cycles of emotional distress. Understanding the root of these behaviors can empower individuals to seek healthier alternatives, such as therapy or support groups, which can provide tools for developing more constructive coping mechanisms.

12. Difficulty trusting others

squirrel-bear, John Diez

13. Spending every moment of your life overanalyzing everything and everyone for that exact moment they are going to snap and lash out at you

ayukawataur, Christina Morillo

14. They can't mention any achievement without "balancing" it with a mistake

Your whole family sees you as nothing but a punchline. The only reason you fear them outliving you is that they'd use your funeral as an excuse to humiliate you even further in front of people who actually cared.MesocricetusAuratus, Nik Shuliahin

The Long-Term Effects of Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect in childhood can have profound long-term effects on mental health, as highlighted in a study by the National Institute of Mental Health. Research indicates that adults who experience emotional neglect are at a higher risk for developing mood disorders and anxiety-related conditions.

For instance, a study published in the Archives of General Psychiatry found that individuals with a history of emotional neglect often report feelings of emptiness and difficulty establishing a sense of self. Understanding these long-term implications can help individuals recognize the significance of their childhood experiences and motivate them to pursue healing.

Therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be effective in addressing these issues by helping individuals reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier self-concepts.

15. Seeing your phone ringing with your parents name and having an anxiety attack about answering

HiddenSecrets, priscilladupreez

16. Constantly feeling like everyone has a problem with you even if you have no reason to believe such a thing

I have great roommates, and they're some of my best friends, but at times I feel that they hate me. I know they don't, I have no reason to believe such things, but when I wake up, I sometimes believe that my friends absolutely hate me. In response to these emotions, I tend to work very hard to try and get them to "like me" I'll buy them food or surprise them with things I know they'll like. It eats away at me, but even more, I tend to believe everyone I meet for the first time hates me. Constantly I need people to tell me they're not mad at me. I need to be reassured, and it's a dreadful feeling.itsbeenawhlLe, Polina Zimmerman

17. Doing kind things to people, but being unable to say kind things. Love means providing things like food, shelter, and clothes, but not gentle words because you didn't learn them

Not knowing how to take a compliment, because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop like, "you're so smart. So, why aren't you doing better in school?" It's better to deny the compliment.Feeling a constant need to placate, mediate, intervene, and concede to avoid arguments. You don't like to see other people fighting or being angry at you, so you do your best to make other people happy to reduce your anxiety.Learning to walk silently, avoid interrupting people, talk softly, and just generally avoid sticking out because you fear that confrontation is the first step to abuse.Surrounding yourself with toxic friends because that's "normal." Your loved ones are supposed to take advantage of you and be mean if they follow it up with something equally nice after.Having an abusive or neglectful significant other because you've learned to associate love with being hurt or neglected. You don't deserve constant love all the time from your partner. People hurt you sometimes, but you still love them. Being uncared for when you need to be comforted isn't the worst thing when negative attention means feeling worse than being alone.yakusokuN8, Rosie Sun

Individuals who felt unloved as children may also struggle with self-esteem issues in adulthood. Research shows that parental affection is crucial for developing a stable self-esteem, as children learn to value themselves through the acceptance and love they receive from their caregivers.

A clinical psychologist notes that low self-esteem can lead to a range of difficulties, including challenges in personal and professional relationships. Therapeutic interventions that focus on self-compassion, such as those developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, can help individuals cultivate a kinder inner dialogue, which is essential for improving self-esteem and emotional resilience.

18. Oversharing. Not being able to set boundaries

I seek the empathy I didn't have, I try not to overshare but it's hard when you're starving, but I do have good boundaries otherwise.BenedithBe, Polina Zimmerman

19. People pleasing

To the point of physical exhaustion. And it’s still never enough.___Changeling, Sam Lion

20. If your parent(s) used hurtful words on you as a kid, and you still feel the sting as an adult, then there's a problem

They said” I have to love you, but I don’t have to like you” I was 7AnonymousHeyoka, Dimitri

Reparenting: A Path to Healing

Reparenting is an emerging therapeutic technique that involves individuals learning to nurture and care for their inner child, particularly those who felt unloved in childhood. Research indicates that this approach can facilitate healing by allowing individuals to develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.

A study published in the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration highlights how reparenting strategies, such as guided imagery and inner dialogues, can help individuals address unmet childhood needs. By doing so, they can create a more nurturing internal dialogue that promotes emotional well-being.

Practicing self-care and engaging in activities that bring joy can also be part of this reparenting process, helping individuals to cultivate a sense of love and acceptance they may have missed in their formative years.

21. Constantly and desperately seeking attention

I work in schools and I find often kids will purposely get themselves into trouble to get attention from the staff because they're starved for attention at home.leopardessa, Trinity Kubassek

22. Overly defensive about everything

Always trying to defend yourself for things you know are in the right. I.e (My room is already clean why are you even yelling, or stop telling me to do things I already do) I only know this because I’m always put in situations like this and allow other people’s words to have power over meShintaigou, Alex Green

23. Always trying so hard to fit in or seek validation from others

Please, for the love of God, laugh at my [lame] jokes and listen to me talk in circles for way too long while I try to kid myself I’m making an interesting pointskippingrope, Jonathon Burton

Understanding the role of family dynamics in emotional development is crucial for addressing issues stemming from a lack of affection. Research indicates that family systems theory provides a framework for understanding how family interactions impact individual behavior.

According to a family therapist, patterns of emotional neglect can often repeat across generations, as parents who were themselves unloved may struggle to provide adequate affection to their own children. Interventions that focus on family therapy can help break these cycles by fostering open communication and emotional expression within families.

24. Feeling the need to create a false, altered version of events to tell people, and then realizing that the actual version of events was A) perfectly acceptable and B) makes more sense than the fabricated version of events

Telling truth can get you into trouble. You don't do it. Abused people become excellent storytellers.bestmincraftruknow, Sam Lion

25. Praising themselves for your accomplishments that have nothing to do with them and any hobby or activity is because "you take after me"

Having a parental unit tell you multiple times that they "never wanted kids"Having them yell at you for not understanding how to do math problems when you're just learning them.Having them talk more to the father of your child than they do to you.sometimesIhatemylife, Pixabay

26. When you marry into a family and you completely shut down at family gatherings because you don’t know how to insert yourself into conversations because this family actually loves each other

All you know is that you were told that no one wants to hear about you and they only want to talk about themselves so you have to be the giving person but then feeling sad that no one took the time to ask you about yourself. Feeling bad for feeling sad or lonely but thinking you also deserve it because you must be selfish if you feel negative about people just not asking about you even though you put so much effort into talking about them that you know good and well they likely never had the opportunity. Censoring your own art because you had to do that where you grew up, but if someone stumbles upon your art and praises you for it you freeze up because you have no idea what to do about it.Rozlun_The_Monster, Stefan Vladimirov

It's hard for some of us to fully understand the impacts that a lack of parental love can have on our lives. It's not always easy to see the signs, but if you're feeling lost or alone, this may be why.

Sometimes you feel like no one in the world understands you—and, in a way, you're right. While it may be difficult to cope, there is hope.

You can work on building a better relationship with yourself or work on developing closer bonds with friends and loved ones.

Can you relate to any of the 36 traits, or have you noticed any in someone else? Let us know in the comments below!

Psychological Analysis

The behaviors described in the article reflect the long-term impact of emotional neglect and lack of affection during childhood. These effects often manifest as low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, constant need for validation, and struggles with setting personal boundaries. Interestingly, therapy approaches like reparenting can be instrumental in healing these wounds, indicating that it's never too late to learn healthier emotional habits.

Analysis generated by AI

In summary, the impact of insufficient parental affection can be profound and long-lasting, affecting various aspects of emotional and psychological health. Research indicates that understanding these patterns is the first step toward healing, allowing individuals to address unresolved issues from childhood.

Therapeutic approaches, such as reparenting, cognitive-behavioral strategies, and family therapy, can provide valuable tools for individuals seeking to transform their emotional landscapes. Ultimately, the journey to healing is about fostering self-acceptance and nurturing healthier relationships with oneself and others.