Dad of Three Seeks Advice as He's Afraid to Spend on Himself Because of What His Mother Might Say
"I'm constantly in fear of buying things for myself"
You don't have to live a life of hardship and sacrifice while dedicating all of your earnings to other, supposedly more significant endeavors. The secret is to treat yourself to things that make you feel good about yourself.
That "good feeling" arises from spending in accordance with your priorities and values. It also comes from knowing that you are taking care of the other areas where you believe your money ought to be going.
Many parents carefully save hundreds of dollars each month to cover their children's future educational expenses. Some parents even take out loans just to assist their children in paying for college.
Even though all of these actions are well-intentioned, they can be poor decisions if you haven't first looked out for yourself. The OP of today's story is a 25-year-old man with two children and one on the way.
The OP bought a fish tank and is really enjoying the experience of keeping fish. He is now considering upgrading to a much larger setup.
The OP explained this to his mom, and she became angry. She insisted that his plans cost too much because he has kids.
OP's mom argued that every single penny needs to be spent on the kids, but OP disagrees.
The OP writes
Reddit/Ok-Department8646OP bought a fish tank and is really enjoying the experience of keeping fish
Reddit/Ok-Department8646OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the AH:
- Spending some of the money we have on ourselves and not always just on the kids.
- Not listening to my mum about this and doing it anyway.
We've gathered some of the most upvoted comments from other Redditors, so keep scrolling to check them all out
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
The kids might learn something from the fish anyway
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
The Impact of Parental Influence
Dr. Jennifer Simon, a clinical psychologist, notes that the fear of spending on oneself often arises from deeply ingrained familial messages about money and self-worth.
Research indicates that children who grow up in environments where financial discussions are fraught with anxiety may internalize beliefs that self-indulgence is selfish or wrong.
These beliefs can create a cycle of guilt and shame when considering personal expenditures, especially in caregiving roles where one feels responsible for family finances.
The OP is allowed to set boundaries
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
This Redditor wants to know if the OP has savings
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
Behavioral scientists emphasize the role of cognitive distortions in shaping these fears, particularly the all-or-nothing thinking that can accompany feelings of inadequacy.
Studies show that individuals often exaggerate the potential disapproval from others, leading to paralysis in making personal choices.
This heightened sensitivity to perceived judgment can inhibit not only financial decision-making but also the overall well-being of individuals in similar roles.
You can do things for yourself
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
It is the parent's job to provide for the kids
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
It's common for parents to feel that their children's needs come before their own. You might believe that, given your hectic schedule, self-care is impractical, self-serving, or even unattainable.
However, self-care is a necessity, not an extravagance. Being well-rested on a mental, physical, and emotional level can make you a more capable parent, role model, and overall person.
Why is OP's mom concerned in the first place?
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
The OP will decide how to spend his money
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
Coping Strategies for Personal Guilt
Psychologists recommend implementing self-compassion techniques as a way to counteract these deeply rooted fears.
Practicing mindfulness and positive self-affirmation can help reshape one's narrative around spending and self-worth.
Additionally, setting aside a small budget specifically for personal enjoyment can create a healthier balance between responsibility and self-care.
The OP was only worried that he may be in the wrong
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
She shouldn't be concerned about her grandkids suffering
Reddit/Ok-Department8646
Moreover, exploring the underlying beliefs with a therapist can uncover the roots of these fears, often revealing patterns that are not only outdated but also unhelpful.
Research indicates that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can significantly help in reframing these limiting beliefs and reducing the associated anxiety.
By gradually exposing oneself to the idea of spending on personal needs, individuals can foster a more balanced approach to self-investment.
Psychological Analysis
This situation reflects a common struggle many face, where external expectations clash with personal desires.
It's essential to recognize that feeling guilty about self-care often stems from learned behaviors and family dynamics that can be addressed through conscious effort and support.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Ultimately, addressing these fears is a journey that involves both self-reflection and a willingness to challenge ingrained beliefs.
Research consistently shows that developing a healthier relationship with money significantly contributes to overall psychological well-being.
With the right strategies and support, individuals can learn that prioritizing their needs is not only acceptable but essential for personal growth.
At the age of 25, the OP shouldn't let his mother control him or make him feel inferior. He just had to tell her about his interests and how much money he spends on them.
With a controlling mother like that, the OP needs to start learning how to set firm boundaries. In the end, the OP was declared not the AH, and that's where we draw the curtains for now!!!
The Role of Communication in Family Dynamics
Family therapy experts suggest that open discussions about money can relieve some of the tension surrounding these issues.
Encouraging family members to share their perspectives can foster understanding and reduce the fear of judgment.
Additionally, educating family members about healthy financial boundaries can empower individuals to take ownership of their financial decisions without guilt.
