Dad of Three Seeks Advice as He's Afraid to Spend on Himself Because of What His Mother Might Say

A dad with three kids just posted about a fish tank, and somehow it turned into a whole moral crisis. He’s genuinely enjoying the routine of caring for the fish, but every little purchase comes with a mental speed bump.

The complication is his mom. In his words, he’s worried about spending money on himself because of what she might say, like even a hobby is a betrayal of the family budget. So he’s sitting there, tank humming along, while guilt and fear of judgment crowd out the simple joy of doing something for himself.

Now he’s asking Reddit if he’s the problem, or if his mom’s opinions have been living rent-free in his wallet.

The OP writes

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OP bought a fish tank and is really enjoying the experience of keeping fish

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the AH:

1. Spending some of the money we have on ourselves and not always just on the kids.
2. Not listening to my mum about this and doing it anyway.

We've gathered some of the most upvoted comments from other Redditors, so keep scrolling to check them all out

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The kids might learn something from the fish anyway

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OP bought the fish tank and immediately started second-guessing the whole idea of spending on himself, like it was an offense against his kids’ needs.

The narrative of a father who hesitates to spend on himself due to concerns about his mother's potential judgment highlights a common emotional struggle rooted in familial expectations. The article illustrates how deeply embedded messages about money and self-worth can shape an individual's relationship with spending. The anxiety surrounding financial discussions during childhood often leads to the belief that treating oneself is selfish, creating a detrimental cycle of guilt. This father’s experience is indicative of many who find themselves in caregiving roles, feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility for family finances that complicates their ability to prioritize personal well-being. It is crucial to recognize that self-care is not an act of selfishness but rather a necessary component of a balanced life.

The OP is allowed to set boundaries

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This Redditor wants to know if the OP has savings

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People in the comments zeroed in on the “not always just on the kids” part, basically saying the fish might teach responsibility anyway.

Behavioral scientists emphasize the role of cognitive distortions in shaping these fears, particularly the all-or-nothing thinking that can accompany feelings of inadequacy.

Studies show that individuals often exaggerate the potential disapproval from others, leading to paralysis in making personal choices.

This heightened sensitivity to perceived judgment can inhibit not only financial decision-making but also the overall well-being of individuals in similar roles.

This also mirrors a wife demanding her husband match her discipline rules, so their kids benefit.

You can do things for yourself

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It is the parent's job to provide for the kids

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It's common for parents to feel that their children's needs come before their own. You might believe that, given your hectic schedule, self-care is impractical, self-serving, or even unattainable.

However, self-care is a necessity, not an extravagance. Being well-rested on a mental, physical, and emotional level can make you a more capable parent, role model, and overall person.

Why is OP's mom concerned in the first place?

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The OP will decide how to spend his money

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Then the thread shifted to boundaries, with commenters pushing the idea that OP can set rules for himself instead of waiting for his mum’s approval.

Coping Strategies for Personal Guilt

Practicing mindfulness and positive self-affirmation can help reshape one's narrative around spending and self-worth.

The OP was only worried that he may be in the wrong

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She shouldn't be concerned about her grandkids suffering

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By the time someone asked about OP’s savings, the conversation wasn’t really about fish anymore, it was about whether he’s allowed to enjoy his own money.

Moreover, exploring the underlying beliefs with a therapist can uncover the roots of these fears, often revealing patterns that are not only outdated but also unhelpful.

By gradually exposing oneself to the idea of spending on personal needs, individuals can foster a more balanced approach to self-investment.

In this case, the father grapples with an internal conflict shaped by his upbringing.

At the age of 25, the OP shouldn't let his mother control him or make him feel inferior. He just had to tell her about his interests and how much money he spends on them.

With a controlling mother like that, the OP needs to start learning how to set firm boundaries. In the end, the OP was declared not the AH, and that's where we draw the curtains for now!!!

Encouraging family members to share their perspectives can foster understanding and reduce the fear of judgment.

He’s not wrong for wanting a hobby, but he’s stuck in a guilt loop that even a fish tank can’t fix.

For another family blowup, read about refusing to share grandma’s famous recipe with a sibling planning to sell it.