Young, Independent Woman Tells Her Mom She's On Her Own With Her Cancer Because She Never Took Her To The Doctor When She Was a Kid

Some family grudges do not fade, they wait for the worst possible moment to resurface. In this Reddit story, a young woman who was never taken to the doctor as a child is now facing cancer, and her mother wants her to step in and help.

The problem is that the same mother brushed off years of knee pain, allergies, asthma, and other health issues, even after her daughter lied about being sick a few times to skip school. Now the daughter is living independently, barely in contact with her mom, and trying to decide whether she owes her anything at all.

When the call came about breast cancer, the answer was not what Mom expected. Read on.

OP asks:

Reddit

She gave a bit of context to the whole story:

Reddit

Because she faked being sick a couple of times to get out of school, her mom never took her to the doctor for anything—even serious health issues.

Reddit

It all started with childhood neglect, and it still shapes how this woman sees her mom today.

Research in developmental psychology suggests that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can have profound and lasting effects on an individual's health and well-being. A study published in the 'American Journal of Preventive Medicine' indicates that the more ACEs a person has, the higher their risk for chronic health problems, including cancer (Felitti et al., 1998). This aligns with the principles of attachment theory, which emphasize that early relationships with caregivers can shape an individual's emotional and physical health later in life.

In this case, the daughter's assertion regarding her mother's lack of medical care during childhood highlights the critical role of parental support in health outcomes. Neglect during formative years can lead to feelings of abandonment and self-worth issues, often manifesting as chronic health problems down the line. As attachment styles formed in childhood influence adult relationships and coping mechanisms, the mother's failure to provide necessary medical support may have contributed to her daughter's current struggles.

Knee pains, allergies, asthma... None of this was considered serious by OP's mom.

Reddit

The list goes on:

Reddit

But Mom took good care of her own health. So OP moved out the first chance she got. And she started therapy for all her health issues.

Reddit

That gap between how she was treated and how her mom treated herself is hard to miss.

A clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics explains that the complex interplay between parental neglect and adult health issues often creates a cycle of emotional distress. When a parent fails to meet a child's basic needs, including medical care, it can lead to feelings of worthlessness and resentment in the child. These feelings can persist into adulthood, affecting not only the individual's health but also their relationships.

This dynamic can be understood through the lens of emotional neglect, which has been shown to lead to maladaptive coping strategies, such as avoidance or emotional suppression.

OP and her mom are basically NC and only communicate regarding OP's younger sister.

Reddit

So, when her mom called her and told her she was diagnosed with breast cancer, OP refused to move in and take care of her.

Reddit

OP does talk often with her sister but also wants to consult with her mom.

Reddit

And that is where the family tension really kicks in.

Sadly, her sister has severe trauma issues and needs care.

Reddit

A hospice nurse said:

Reddit

Another professional caregiver replied:

Reddit

People in the comments were quick to connect the dots.

Social psychologists have found that the concepts of guilt and obligation often complicate familial relationships, particularly in cases of perceived neglect. A study in the 'Journal of Social Issues' discusses how feelings of guilt can hinder open communication, leading to resentment instead of resolution. The daughter's feelings of abandonment may be compounded by societal expectations that dictate loyalty to one’s parents, despite their shortcomings.

Understanding this social dynamic can empower the daughter to recognize that her feelings are valid, and she is not solely responsible for maintaining the relationship. This awareness can be the first step in breaking the cycle of guilt and fostering healthier emotional boundaries. Additionally, recognizing that it's okay to seek support from outside sources, such as friends or support groups, can provide a necessary buffer during this challenging period.

This also echoes the OP refusing to lend money to a grandmother who kept making requests.

People with similar health problems contributed:

Reddit

People ask:

Reddit

The answer is not pretty:

Reddit

The forgiveness angle came up too, but not everyone was buying it.

Forgiveness can have significant psychological benefits, particularly in reconciling feelings of resentment and anger toward a parent. Research in the field of positive psychology shows that the act of forgiving can lead to improved mental health outcomes, including reduced anxiety and depression (Worthington et al., 2007). However, forgiveness is often misunderstood; it's not about absolving the other person of responsibility but rather freeing oneself from the burden of negative emotions.

For the daughter, exploring forgiveness might involve acknowledging her feelings of hurt and betrayal while also recognizing her mother's limitations as a caregiver. Engaging in practices such as journaling or guided therapy can help in processing these emotions effectively. Individuals who actively work on forgiveness report a greater sense of peace and emotional well-being over time.

Narcissistic parents just don't want to be bothered:

Reddit

Projection:

Reddit

People who went completely NC said:

Reddit

Some commenters saw a bigger pattern behind the whole mess.

Family values:

Reddit

The bottom line is: This 'Family Values' thing goes both ways.

Reddit

Kids lie all the time. But that doesn't justify not providing them with proper medical care. Does anything justify that?

Reddit

That was the part a lot of readers kept coming back to.

"Mens sana in corpore sano," as the ancient Romans put it, "means a healthy mind in a healthy body," and this proverb currently appears to be more true than ever. In today's environment, it is critical to be healthy at all times, and this is nearly impossible without high-quality medical treatment.

And when you are denied that as a kid, the health issues will only become more serious. A small injury in childhood can grow to be very complicated.

We hope OP will work things out and find peace.

The whole story comes down to one painful question, whether a daughter owes care to the mother who refused to care for her first.

Furthermore, the potential for healing lies within the mother-daughter relationship. By fostering open communication and exploring avenues for forgiveness, they may find a way to reconcile their past. The article suggests that healing is not merely about addressing present challenges but also about acknowledging and understanding the unresolved issues that have shaped their lives. This journey of reconnection could pave the way for a more supportive and healthier relationship moving forward.

For more family guilt after medical money, read about the sister who didn’t repay the OP after a big loan for bills.