Neighborly Ice No More: AITA for Refusing to Share Ice with Reclusive Neighbors?

It started as one of those small, neighborly moments that feels harmless. The ice was free, the need seemed real, and the woman next door always showed up with a tray like clockwork.

But in this condo building, “clockwork” became a problem. OP is in their 70s, and the unit next door has three women, two sisters and a daughter. The reclusive Ringleader and Daughter rarely come out, while Other is the one who always gets sent over, leaning on the doorbell and ringing it like a fire alarm. Once the ice requests began every two to four days, OP started wondering what it was even for, and whether the constant pickups were crossing a line.

Now OP is stuck asking if refusing ice makes them the asshole, especially when the doorbell keeps going off.

Original Post

I'm in my 70s and live in a condo. Next door are three women: two sisters and a daughter.

One sister I'll call the Ringleader, and the other I'll call Other. Ringleader is probably in her 70s, while Other appears to be in her 80s.

I don't know which one is the mother of the daughter. Ringleader and Daughter are very reclusive.

I rarely see them out. Other is pretty reclusive too, although I used to see her out smoking.

But she has quit, so not so much anymore. Other is who they always send over if they want something.

They are not well-off, but I don't know how much they are struggling. Clearly, they had enough at one point to buy the unit, and presumably, they are paying their association fee every month.

Ringleader had a new car at one point but was driving without insurance and wrecked it several years ago. Now they have no car and go nowhere unless some family member or contact takes them.

I have not been in their unit, but from the glimpses I've gotten when walking by the open door, it looks like a hoarding situation. Thank God Other stopped smoking. Early this summer, Other started coming over asking for ice.

I would empty my ice bin into her tray she brought with her. Other is not very communicative; she speaks mostly in grunts and sounds.

Ask her a question, and she'll say, "Uh huh." I got the impression they were using the ice for an evaporative cooler. I mean, if their A/C is broken, they probably don't have the money to fix it.

I felt really bad for them and was happy to provide the ice. I even brought them bagged ice from the convenience store a couple of times.

But as the temperature started dropping, the visits for ice continued. Every two to four days, she would come, and she would lean on the doorbell.

It rings a loud "Ding Dong!" and she would ring it five or six times in succession. "Ding Dong!" "Ding Dong!" "Ding Dong!" "Ding Dong!" "Ding Dong!" "Ding Dong!" I asked once what they were doing with all that ice, and she just gestured toward their unit and said, "She wants it." I still don't really know why.

At least I would know it was her when the door rang, so I would grab the ice before heading to the door. But it was getting intrusive.

The bell would ring as soon as I sat down to eat, while I was watching something, or while I was taking a nap. It just got to the point where I was fed up, so I finally told her when she came that this would be the last time.

Whatever the problem was, they needed to get it fixed. Two days later, she came back.

I answered the door but did not bring the ice. I asked if she understood me the other day.

I guess not. I told her again and sent her away without ice.

AITA for putting a stop to this? I feel really bad for them, but it was getting to be too much, and I just felt like they were taking excessive advantage of my largesse.

The situation described illustrates the concept of social reciprocity, which is a fundamental principle in social psychology.

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Other kept coming over for ice, first with sympathy behind it, then with that doorbell barrage of “Ding Dong” repeated like a routine.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries allow individuals to maintain their well-being while still being compassionate.

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OP even brought bagged ice a couple times, but the requests didn’t slow down once the weather changed.

This reminds me of the man who bought a house using his grieving wife’s inheritance.

The psychological principle of social comparison could also be at play in this situation. This comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy, especially if the neighbors perceive themselves as less fortunate due to their financial struggles. Research indicates that such comparisons can significantly influence emotional well-being and self-esteem.

Encouraging open discussions about financial challenges and support systems can help normalize these feelings, fostering a more collaborative and understanding atmosphere among neighbors.

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Empathy and Community Building

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, and fostering this quality can create stronger social bonds. A study conducted by the University of Michigan found that communities with high levels of empathy report lower levels of conflict and higher satisfaction.

To cultivate empathy, residents can engage in community-building activities that encourage interaction, such as potlucks or neighborhood meetings. This approach not only strengthens ties but can also lead to a better understanding of each other's circumstances, reducing feelings of isolation.

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When OP finally asked what all the ice was for, Other mostly grunted and just gestured toward their u, leaving OP to fill in the blanks.

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

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The more Ringleader and Daughter stayed hidden, the more OP felt like they were being used as the building’s free ice machine.

The recent Reddit post raises important questions about the dynamics of neighborly relations, particularly when financial strain and personal boundaries collide. The user’s refusal to share ice with their reclusive neighbors, who are struggling, shines a light on the delicate balance between helping those in need and maintaining one’s own well-being. The psychological concepts of social reciprocity suggest that relationships thrive on a give-and-take foundation, yet when one party feels taken advantage of, resentment can brew. By fostering an environment where both parties can express their needs and concerns, the potential for a supportive community increases. Ultimately, this situation illustrates how understanding and respecting emotional boundaries can lead to stronger, more cohesive neighborhood ties.

OP might be the villain in their neighbor’s story, but the doorbell schedule says they were never just borrowing ice.

For another trust-busting argument, see the spouse who got furious after being fact-checked on event timing.