Siblings Stage Long Overdue Intervention To Address Parent’s Unhealthy Obsession With Their Stillborn Child From 30 Years Ago
"My parents consistently included him in family portraits where one of us held the only picture we have of him."
Three siblings from one family unit found themselves navigating a peculiar situation—the case of James, the brother who wasn't quite there but seemed omnipresent nonetheless.
Our narrator (Original Poster) was the youngest of three children—depending on who you asked. Long ago, before OP’s eldest brother was even conceived, their parents had a stillborn child, and they never quite let bygones be bygones.
In their world, OP was the youngest of four siblings, of which James was the eldest. They constantly talked about James and even included him in Christmas cards and family portraits.
How do you include a ghost in pictures, you ask? Well, they simply had one of their other children hold up the only photo they had of James and then say cheese!
OP and his brothers found it ghastly. They tried to explain that they had no attachment to this phantom sibling whom they had never met, but their parents refused to get the memo.
As OP’s eldest sibling, Christopher, geared up for his impending nuptials, he and his bride-to-be decided to draw the line. They assured OP’s parents that they could include James as an “in memoriam,” but the picture was a hard pass—no detailed, heartfelt essay either.
Predictably, their mom blew a fuse. She sought solace in OP’s comforting arms, but he hit her with the brutal reality check as well—James wasn’t around anymore, and she needed to start getting over him.
She crumbled into tears, and now Dad and a bunch of relatives were outraged. Did OP take the pep talk too far?
The story in detail
Reddit.comOP’s parents had a stillborn child decades ago. But they still haven’t gotten over him to this day
Reddit.comThe Impact of Grief on Family Dynamics
Grief is a complex emotional response that can manifest in various ways, as highlighted by Dr. Therese Rando, a leading expert on bereavement. Her research emphasizes that unresolved grief can lead to dysfunction within family systems, often creating rifts or miscommunications among surviving members. In this case, the parents' fixation on their stillborn child indicates an inability to fully process their grief, which can impact their relationships with their living children.
Families often struggle with balancing the memory of a lost child while fostering a healthy environment for the living. According to Dr. Rando, when grief is not openly discussed or processed, it can lead to resentment and a feeling of being overshadowed among siblings, as they may feel the burden of their parents' unresolved emotions.
OP and his siblings have tried to stop their parents from adding James’ portrait to their family photos, to no avail
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OP’s eldest brother (Christopher) is getting married, and the couple is not willing to add James’ portrait to their marriage photos
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This situation underscores the importance of healthy grief processing. Research by the American Psychological Association suggests that families benefit from open dialogues about loss, which can help create a shared understanding and context for the emotions involved. Encouraging family therapy or support groups can be beneficial in addressing these collective grief issues.
Moreover, creating rituals that honor the stillborn child while also celebrating the lives and achievements of the living children can help mitigate feelings of neglect or resentment.
OP’s mom was venting to him about how insensitive Christopher is. But OP supported the couple’s decision and told his mom that none of them see James as their brother
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OP’s father and some family members are currently upset with him for making such a statement. As it stands, he needs the opinion of a third party
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We gathered some reactions from Netizens.
"NTA. Your parents needed therapy to deal with this about 30 years ago."
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"NTA. It’s been over thirty years; it’s not healthy to still be this attached to a life sadly never lived."
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The Role of Memory in Grief
Cognitive psychologists study how memories of loss can significantly shape family interactions. According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, families that construct a shared narrative about a lost loved one tend to cope better than those who isolate the memory. This shared narrative can serve to unite the family rather than divide it, fostering a sense of belonging and mutual support.
In this case, the parents' decision to include the stillborn child in family portraits might be an attempt to keep the memory alive, but it could also inadvertently create an emotional barrier for the siblings, who may feel sidelined in their own family narratives.
"NTA. The wedding is about the bride and groom."
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"NTA. It is not normal to make children hold a photo of a dead baby in family photos."
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In the eyes of Reddit, OP was spot-on in his delivery. Losing James was tragic, but clinging to his memory in this way isn't healthy.
They urged OP to keep supporting Christopher and Lily and even suggested a post-wedding intervention. Perhaps that was the trick to gently guide the parents toward healing.
It's time for OP’s parents to seek the therapy they needed three decades ago. Better late than never.
"I understand the grief that a parent has for a child that has passed on, but your mother has been unreasonable and obsessive about this."
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Psychological Analysis
This situation illustrates how unresolved grief can affect family dynamics, often leading to feelings of neglect or resentment among living children. It’s essential for families in similar situations to seek professional guidance in navigating these complex emotions to ensure all members feel heard and valued.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Research supports the idea that open communication about grief can facilitate healing within families. According to studies, when families acknowledge and process their grief together, they can strengthen their bonds rather than allow unresolved emotions to create distance. Creating a supportive environment where all members can express their feelings about loss is crucial for emotional health and familial harmony.
In addressing these complex emotions, it may be helpful for the siblings to engage in family therapy. This therapeutic setting can provide a safe space to express feelings of sadness, resentment, or confusion. Techniques such as narrative therapy, which encourages individuals to tell their stories, can help the family reshape their shared narrative around the stillborn child while also validating the experiences of the living children.
Furthermore, establishing regular family meetings to discuss feelings surrounding their loss could foster openness and healing over time.
