Bride-To-Be Bizarrely Accuses Her Pakistani Friend Of Lying About Her Job Saying "Someone Like Her" Could Never Be A Software Engineer

Things you can expect during an engagement party: happiness, celebration, and champagne. What you shouldn't expect during an engagement party: being scolded by the bride-to-be because she thinks you're lying about your job and then being accused of taking the attention away from her.

OP (original poster) recently went to an engagement party for her boyfriend's best friends, Nell and Alex. During the party OP found herself immersed in a conversation with an older lady who happened to be Alex's aunt.

The aunt noticed OP's iron ring immediately because she was wearing one herself. In Canada, an iron ring is presented to an engineer once they finish their degree.

OP was asking Alex's aunt about her career and what field of engineering she works in. The newly engaged couple came over while the conversation was going on.

OP congratulated them on their new relationship milestone then she and the aunt went on with their conversation. Nell piped up asking, "Why are you lying about being an engineer? Don't you work at Victoria's Secret or something?"

OP was baffled but confirmed that she used to work at that store while she was studying but she has since finished her degree and now works as a software engineer. To which Nell replied, "No, you don't. Stop lying."

Everyone heard and the happy event quickly turned awkward.

OP's fiancé came over and greeted everyone while Nell continued her odd accusations. She was telling everyone that OP was lying about her job as a software engineer and that her fiancé should stop enabling her lies.

OP didn't hesitate to tell Nell to stop what she was saying because she would never lie about her job. Especially, since she worked so hard to get to where she is now.

Nell got even more upset and accused OP of making their party all about her. Even worse, she said that someone like OP could never be a software engineer.

OP's fiancé asked Alex if Nell was drunk or not because her behavior is way out of line. They then left the party early.

OP has since been bombarded by calls and messages from Nell's friends calling her a b*tch. OP's fiancé got a call from Alex asking them to not make a big deal out of the unexpected confrontation.

sailorangelxo

OP's fiancé said that they won't be speaking to the newly engaged couple again until Nell apologizes to OP. You can read the full original post below:

sailorangelxo sailorangelxo

The incident at the engagement party reflects a troubling interplay of bias and stereotype threat, which is well-documented in psychological literature. Stereotype threat, a concept introduced by Dr. Claude Steele, occurs when an individual feels at risk of conforming to stereotypes about their social group, which can negatively impact performance and self-perception. In this case, the bride-to-be's assumption that her friend could not be a software engineer is rooted in societal stereotypes about race and gender, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt for those affected. Research shows that when individuals are subjected to such threats, it can hinder their professional identities and even discourage them from pursuing their goals (Steele, 1999).

"Why are you lying about being an engineer?"

sailorangelxo sailorangelxo

"Someone like you cannot be in that field of work."

sailorangelxo

In many social situations, microaggressions can surface, as illustrated by the bride-to-be's comments. Microaggressions are subtle, often unintentional, discriminatory remarks that can have a cumulative negative impact on the recipient's mental health. A study published in the American Journal of Public Health found that individuals who frequently experience microaggressions report higher levels of anxiety and depression. This suggests that even seemingly innocuous comments can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and contribute to a hostile environment for marginalized individuals.

To combat microaggressions, it is crucial for individuals to develop awareness of their own biases and engage in open dialogues about diversity. Training programs that focus on cultural competency can significantly enhance interpersonal understanding and reduce instances of such remarks.

People were speculating in the comments section about the reason of Nell's sudden outburst

moonbaby07

Is it jealousy? Is it racism?

ohno_spaghetti_o

Could it be stereotypical sexism?

bakingNerd

The bride-to-be's behavior exemplifies social comparison theory, originally proposed by Dr. Leon Festinger in the 1950s. This theory suggests that individuals assess their own social and personal worth by comparing themselves to others, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and resentment when they perceive someone else as more accomplished. As Dr. Angela Duckworth, a renowned psychologist and author, states, "When we compare ourselves to others, we often overlook our unique strengths and achievements," which can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. In this instance, the bride's accusations may arise from her own insecurities about her accomplishments relative to her friend's successful career in software engineering. Research indicates that engaging in social comparisons can diminish self-esteem and heighten anxiety, particularly when individuals feel they do not measure up to their peers Angeladuckworth.

Maybe there's some truth to the jealousy and sexism part

Allyzayd

This is getting interesting

butt_butt_butt_butt_

Could it be that Nell dreams of being an engineer herself but couldn't?

truckthecat

It's essential to recognize the impact of implicit biases that can inform our judgments about others based on their race or gender. Dr. Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, emphasizes that "implicit biases can lead to unfair assumptions about people's abilities and potential." In the context of the engagement party, the bride's comments reveal a bias against her friend based on stereotypes associated with being a woman of color in a technical field. Education and training focused on recognizing and addressing these biases are crucial in fostering a more inclusive and understanding society, as noted by Dr. Kristin Neff, who states, "Awareness of our biases is the first step toward compassion and understanding." For more insights, you can visit Dr. Grant's website at adamgrant.net and Dr. Neff's at self-compassion.org.

A sleuth redditor says it could be all of the above based on OP's post/comment history

amanatomatoes

Unthinkable in this day and age!

BUTTeredWhiteBread

OP posted an update a day later to, first, acknowledge everyone's kind words towards her and then to share what happened during a phone call with Alex.

sailorangelxo

Emotional intelligence (EI) plays a significant role in how individuals interact with one another, especially in emotionally charged situations like the one described. According to Dr. Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in the field of emotional intelligence, individuals with high EI can better navigate social complexities and exhibit empathy toward others. This situation could have been mitigated had the bride-to-be recognized her friend’s achievements and responded with curiosity rather than suspicion. Training in emotional intelligence can enhance awareness of one’s own emotional responses and improve interpersonal interactions, which is beneficial in both personal and professional settings.

OP says that she and her fiancé are both POCs while Nell and Alex are white.

Nell is unemployed. The fact that OP used to work at a place like Victoria's Secret coupled with the way she presents herself could only mean she can't be an engineer; at least to Nell, that's how the world works.

sailorangelxo

Alex called OP's fiancé to ask when OP will apologize to Nell

OP's fiancé was upset and pissed by this saying that OP has no reason to apologize to Nell because what happened was all Nell's fault. Alex must have been on speakerphone because they suddenly heard Nell complaining.

She said OP made a scene and made Nell look bad in front of her future in-laws. She also apparently didn't know that OP had finished her engineering studies.

sailorangelxo

OP asked Nell why did Nell claim that OP was lying about her career

Nell replied that she didn't think OP could finish her degree and assumed she dropped out. OP was massively pissed and asked what Nell meant by that to which she replied, OP just seemed like the type.

sailorangelxo

Social identity theory, posited by Henri Tajfel, explains how individuals derive a sense of self from their group memberships. In the context of the engagement party, the bride-to-be's need to assert her status may stem from a desire to reinforce her own identity, thus prompting her to belittle her friend's accomplishments. This dynamic often manifests when individuals feel their social group is threatened or less valued. To foster healthier interactions, it’s crucial for individuals to engage in self-reflection about their group identities and how these can influence perceptions of others.

OP said that Nell seemed like the type of woman who tears down other women

Nell yelled at OP about her attitude, the way she dresses, her make-up, and, lowest blow of all, how OP's parents would react if they knew she wasn't a "good little Pakistani girl." OP was taken aback by the last (racist!) statement.

sailorangelxo

That was a light bulb moment for OP and her fiancé

They finally heard the proof that the bizarre attack was racially motivated. OP said her parents are proud of her.

It was at that point that her OP's fiancé told Alex that what Nell said was messed up. He told Alex to stop contacting them then hung up and they blocked the couple from every channel.

sailorangelxo

OP finally realized that Nell has always been racist towards her

sailorangelxo

To address the underlying biases that led to this situation, it’s important to promote inclusivity and understanding through active listening and dialogue. Dr. Daniel Goleman, an emotional intelligence expert, emphasizes that "developing empathy through perspective-taking is crucial for reducing biases and fostering connections among diverse individuals" (Daniel Goleman). Encouraging individuals to share their experiences and viewpoints can create a more supportive environment where achievements are celebrated rather than questioned. Workshops designed to enhance communication skills and cultural sensitivity can be effective in transforming social dynamics, as noted by Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist, who states, "Open dialogue and understanding are essential for building trust and respect in any community" (Alexandra Solomon).

Nell doesn't sound like a good person at all. The things she said after OP called her out? Unacceptable!

ChampagneTastes281

It's a good thing OP has a supportive fiancé

sailorangelxo

Nell can't spin this anymore because she is very much a racist

NoCell655

Additionally, the concept of resilience can play a vital role in how individuals respond to discrimination or microaggressions. Resilience is the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, or significant stress. Research shows that individuals who develop resilience through supportive relationships and positive coping strategies are better equipped to handle discriminatory remarks and situations. Programs that focus on building resilience in marginalized communities can empower individuals to navigate challenging social interactions more effectively, enabling them to rise above negativity and affirm their worth.

To weaponize OP's strict parents against her was also below the belt

sailorangelxo

Nell has no idea what OP and other women POCs had to go through. For her to casually threaten her was so sickening.

yoursoma

Nell underestimated OP's courage. Good on OP for standing up against a racist person like Nell.

sailorangelxo

It's also crucial to create environments that prioritize psychological safety, where individuals feel secure to express themselves without fear of judgment or ridicule. According to Dr. Amy Edmondson, a pioneer in the study of psychological safety, teams that foster such an environment are more innovative and productive. In social settings, encouraging open communication and validating each person’s experiences can lead to richer, more meaningful interactions. Implementing practices such as group discussions or feedback sessions can enhance relational dynamics and reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings.

It was funny learning that Nell is unemployed and was so quick to judge OP's career

GurElectronic4706

As if women don't have it hard enough

Jovemako

That's one word to sum this all up: bizarre

sailorangelxo

Finally, self-awareness is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and social interactions. Engaging in self-reflection can help individuals identify their biases and the motivations behind their behaviors. Journaling or seeking feedback from trusted peers can facilitate this process, allowing individuals to gain insights into how their actions affect others. By cultivating greater self-awareness, individuals can learn to respond with compassion and understanding, thereby fostering healthier relationships and reducing the likelihood of conflict.

Your life can only be better from here, OP

veggiesandstoics

Cutting her off now means she can't ruin OP's wedding

sailorangelxo

If Nell didn't open up her mouth, she could have had a wonderful engagement party surrounded by loved ones. On the other hand, the weird incident revealed a racist in OP's midst.

It was good riddance. A person like Nell and, by extension, Alex, are not people you want to keep in your life anyway.

OP and her fiancé did such a good job setting up boundaries and enforcing them. We wish them blissful engagement and happy marriage!

Psychological Analysis

The bride-to-be's accusations reveal deep-seated biases rooted in stereotypes about race and gender, which can stem from her own insecurities. Often, when individuals feel threatened by another's success, they might lash out to reaffirm their own self-worth, highlighting how social comparison can distort perceptions. This situation also underscores the importance of emotional intelligence; had Nell approached the conversation with curiosity instead of judgment, it could've fostered a more supportive environment.

Analysis generated by AI

Healing Approaches & Techniques

The incident at the engagement party underscores the complexity of social interactions and the often-unconscious biases that can drive behavior. By understanding the psychological principles at play, including social comparison, implicit bias, and emotional intelligence, individuals can learn to navigate these situations more effectively. Promoting inclusivity, fostering resilience, and enhancing self-awareness are essential steps toward creating a supportive social environment. Ultimately, transforming our interactions starts with a commitment to understanding ourselves and others better, paving the way for more respectful and empathetic relationships.