Devoted Daughter Asks If She's Wrong For Asking Her Stay-At-Home Boyfriend To Check On Her Bedridden Mother
If you think you don't have enough things to be angry about, then you should read this.
In an emergency situation, is it unreasonable to ask your significant other to check on your sick parent? This was the question posted by one Reddit user.
The original poster (OP) was seeking answers when she posted on Reddit's popular Am I The A**hole (AITAH) forum. The 21-year-old new mom is currently living with her boyfriend, their 8-month-old child, and her bedridden mother.
Her situation is rough, to say the least. It's made harder by the fact that she's the only one in their household who has a job, and her live-in boyfriend made it clear that he won't help care for the sick mom.
OP respected her boyfriend's decision, given that it is not easy to care for a bedridden person who will depend on you for everything. However, one unfortunate day, after OP left for work, her mom needed help.
The mom slid too far down her bed and was unable to breathe. She couldn't gather enough strength to pull herself higher, so she called for her daughter's boyfriend to assist her.
The stay-at-home boyfriend heard the distress call but ignored the mother completely. Desperate to breathe, the bedridden mom threw herself off the bed to get into a position to breathe.
Eight hours later, OP found her mom on the floor, crying. OP became immediately angry and confronted the guy, but he got defensive and said he told her from the beginning that he wouldn't be helping them at all.
OP is now wondering if she's the a**hole for asking her boyfriend to check on her mom if she calls him for help. The situation has divided the people of Reddit.
Here's the question as posted by u/angry_whistler
angry_whistlerYou can read the rest of her post below:
angry_whistlerReddit users were up in arms about what happened, and soon enough, a debate ensued.
FoxUniCarKilo
Understanding Relationship Dynamics
The situation described highlights the complex dynamics often present in caregiving relationships. A clinical psychologist notes that the emotional burden of caring for a sick parent can create immense pressure on the primary caregiver, which in this case is the daughter. Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that such stress can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration when support from partners is perceived as lacking.
These dynamics can lead to a cycle of unmet expectations and emotional distress, emphasizing the need for open communication to navigate these challenges.
The Role of Caregiver Dynamics
In family systems theory, the dynamics between caregivers and their children can create patterns that influence adult relationships. Dr. Murray Bowen's research emphasizes that when one family member takes on the caregiver role, it can lead to chronic stress and anxiety, particularly if that individual feels unsupported. This situation speaks to the caregiver's emotional burden, which often manifests in feelings of resentment or guilt when they perceive their partner as unhelpful during a family crisis.
Moreover, studies suggest that the adult child in this scenario is likely navigating a complex mix of loyalty, obligation, and frustration as they balance their romantic relationship with their responsibilities toward their ailing parent.
Another user replied that people were too quick to judge OP.
tmollytrace
This user thinks that what they did to OP's mom is inexcusable.
Jade_Echo
Reading further, a commenter acknowledged that OP accepted responsibility and that the boyfriend deserves the blame in this situation.
Lizardd06
Behavioral psychologists emphasize the importance of examining the motivations behind one's requests in relationships. The daughter asking her boyfriend to check on her mother can be viewed through the lens of attachment theory, which suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape our expectations in adult relationships.
When these expectations are unmet, it can trigger feelings of abandonment or neglect, which are likely exacerbated in the context of her mother's illness. Understanding this can lead to more compassionate interactions.
Attachment theory posits that how we relate to our parents significantly impacts our adult relationships. In this case, the daughter might feel torn between her duties and her partner's perceived lack of support. According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, unresolved attachment issues can lead to conflicts in adult partnerships, particularly when caretaking responsibilities arise.
Understanding these dynamics can foster compassion for oneself and one's partner, potentially diffusing tensions that arise from unmet expectations.
User Jade_Echo once again replied that she thinks OP is probably a good person, but she needs to see that she can only rely on herself.
Jade_Echo
The boyfriend reacted horribly, if you ask this Redditor.
Raven_Maleficent
A sobering outcome was brought up by another commenter.
JustMissKacey
The Role of Communication in Caregiving
Effective communication is crucial in caregiving situations, particularly when emotions run high. According to Dr. Laura Berman, a renowned sex therapist, "Open discussions about caregiving roles can significantly reduce family conflict and enhance overall satisfaction." Furthermore, practical steps such as establishing regular family meetings to discuss needs and expectations can create a more collaborative atmosphere, as highlighted by Dr. Jane Nelsen, a parenting expert who emphasizes the importance of clear communication in family dynamics.
Practical Strategies for Navigating Family Responsibilities
Open communication is vital in these scenarios. Experts recommend setting aside time to discuss feelings and expectations without judgment. By using 'I' statements, like 'I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage things alone,' individuals can express their needs without blaming their partners.
Additionally, establishing clear boundaries regarding family responsibilities can help partners understand their roles better. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, emphasizes that couples who can navigate conflict effectively often have a shared understanding of each other's needs and limitations.
This person thinks OP is the a**hole for being with her boyfriend in the first place...
dogsaregreat6
... and this person agrees.
AleshiniaLivesStill
ESH stands for 'everyone sucks here' in Reddit-speak.
La-Belle-Gigi
Another important factor is the boyfriend's own emotional capacity and willingness to engage in caregiving activities. A social psychologist points out that individuals with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional labor, often leading to tension in relationships. If the boyfriend feels overwhelmed or ill-equipped to handle caregiving tasks, it's essential for him to express those feelings.
This vulnerability can lead to deeper understanding and connection between partners, emphasizing the need for mutual support in challenging times.
Social support is crucial during stressful times. Engaging in therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to express feelings and receive validation. Research shows that individuals who actively seek support during crises experience lower levels of stress and improved emotional well-being.
Encouraging the boyfriend to participate in family discussions might also help him feel more involved and lessen the daughter's emotional burden, fostering a sense of teamwork rather than isolation.
If you saw someone needing help, wouldn't a decent person at least call 911?
spaceyjaycey
User La-Belle-Gigi replied with a quote by Maya Angelou that appropriately describes the boyfriend's inaction.
La-Belle-Gigi
If the boyfriend acts that way toward OP's mom, does he really care for his child when OP is not around?
FlynnLivesTron
This person agrees with the comment above that the mom is neglected.
TheAngerMonkey
Another commenter replied and asked about the options available for OP's mom.
AutumnBreeze23
User TheAngerMonkey replied that there are systems in place for this type of situation.
TheAngerMonkey
OP jumped in to say that it is not a current option for them.
angry_whistler
In another comment, people started to ask why OP is still with her boyfriend.
NaughtyNildo
The issue hit too close to home for some people, and they shared their own heartbreaking stories.
GrandTheftBae
This person thinks that while OP is not at fault for expecting her boyfriend to check on her mom when she asks for help, she's still at fault for not making sure that her mom has proper care.
HellaShelle
Another commenter was concerned about the mom's needs while OP is working.
Valuable_Ad_742
Someone replied to the comment above and said the mom needs round-the-clock care...
knittedjedi
... and OP replied she takes care of everything before she leaves for work.
angry_whistler
To which another person replied about the concerning environment the mom is in.
mcmurrml
And OP said she can't finance proper care for her mom...
angry_whistler
... people were understandably upset by that, and they think OP is not seeing the severity of the situation.
mcmurrml
A helpful Redditor told OP to look into financial aid, but given that her mom is not a citizen yet, that is not an option.
fallen_star_2319
A practical question was raised in another comment...
Valuable_Ad_742
... and this is what OP had to say.
angry_whistler
People wanted more information...
Arejhey311
... and OP replied with a simple but worrying answer...
angry_whistler
... and further clarified that her mom doesn't soil herself while wearing diapers, and if she did, OP will either call her aunt to help or leave work early.
angry_whistler
This person is correct to point out the unmet but very pressing needs of the mother.
MadameBurner
The situation is indeed messed up...
wrenskeet
... OP can only agree.
angry_whistler
Another person thinks that both the boyfriend and OP suck.
fieleamcknight
OP has another option according to this comment.
LoopyLouDoWho
While this person thinks that OP is irresponsible for staying with her boyfriend...
adelaines
... and join us in our collective exasperation.
angry_whistler
This person replied and suggests for OP to dump the guy.
YearOutrageous2333
A sympathetic Redditor properly put things in perspective. OP has a lot on her plate, and she's doing everything she can.
Meriadoxm
This Reddit user replied to the comment above and shared their own story, and they also think OP doesn't have a lot of options, if she has any at all.
Fancy_Day_5246
OP replied to a comment and had this heartbreaking sentiment:
angry_whistler
OP is stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. It's an unenviable situation, and while she's doing her best, the sick mom deserves proper medical care and attention.
We are now waiting for any updates about the mom's situation, and of course, we are wondering if OP is still with the father of her child.
What do you think? Reddit has not made any clear verdict on this one; we want to hear what you think. Was OP wrong? Was the boyfriend justified in not helping OP's mom?
Psychological Analysis
This situation highlights the complex interplay between caregiving and relationship dynamics. It's common for individuals in caregiving roles to feel overwhelmed and unsupported, which can lead to tension in their romantic relationships. Understanding these patterns can pave the way for more compassionate and constructive dialogues between partners.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In conclusion, understanding the psychological dynamics at play can help both partners navigate their feelings and responsibilities. As noted by Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist, "In relationships, the ability to communicate openly about needs and expectations is essential for maintaining balance." Furthermore, Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, emphasizes that "fostering empathy and understanding can significantly enhance the quality of our relationships, especially during challenging times." Ultimately, these insights highlight that open communication and mutual support are key to managing stress in family caregiving situations.
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Research in family dynamics and caregiving emphasizes the importance of communication and support in navigating complex emotional landscapes. According to studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology, understanding each other's feelings can bridge gaps and foster healthier interactions. Ultimately, approaching these situations with empathy and open dialogue can create a more supportive environment for everyone involved.
