Refusing to Attend Dad and Stepmom's Marriage Counseling: AITA?

A 19-year-old daughter refused to play along with her dad’s “homework” for marriage counseling, and it turned a private lunch into a full-on family bombshell. What started as a simple chat with her dad quickly became a weird, emotional interrogation about love, caregiving, and whether she’d treat her stepmom like a real parent.

Her dad asked her to define his wife in her life, like “second mom” or “special adult,” then pushed further with hypothetical scenarios. If he died, if they divorced, if her half-siblings were too young to help, would she step in and care for his wife the way she would for him? She kept trying to shut it down, but the questions kept coming.

Now the dad thinks she’s being cold, and she’s wondering if she crossed a line just by being honest.

Original Post

This argument started three weeks ago, but I need to go back a little over a month ago for context.

My dad called me (19F) and asked if I'd go out for lunch with him because we needed to talk. I agreed, and we went somewhere private to have lunch, just the two of us.

While we were there, he asked me how I felt about his wife and whether I loved her, and what she was to me from my perspective. Then he gave examples such as second mom, mom figure, best friend, or special adult. I asked why he was asking these questions, and he told me it was homework the marriage counselor set for him, and he said the answers were important.

He said his wife felt like she was only in my life because they were married and that I didn't care for her much either way. I told him she was right.

I didn't love her or see her as any of the things he mentioned. I said the most I could say was that she was his wife, and I respected that he loved and wanted her, so I accepted her for that.

He told me that didn't mean I didn't love her, though, and he asked me a bunch of questions about if he died, if they divorced, if they were both elderly and needed care, and if my half-siblings couldn't do it all, or if they both needed care and my half-siblings were too young to care for them, would I care for her like I would for him. I told him if they divorced, I wouldn't stay in touch with her, and it would be the same if he died.

I told him I'd take care of him. That I loved him.

That he gave me a good life, but I wouldn't do the same for her.

I tried to insist that the questions stop there, but they didn't. He wanted to know if I didn't love her at least like someone I'm very close to, and I told him no, and I said I'm not very close to her.

He said he didn't think 12 was too old to form a close bond with a stepparent, and I told him maybe not for some, but for me it was. He asked me if I hadn't wanted him to find someone to love who could be a maternal figure for me.

I told him honestly that I believed him when he swore for years after Mom died that there'd never be someone else. That I wasn't mad about it not being true, but he blindsided me when he told me at 12 he'd fallen in love and was getting married again.

I told him I was 10 or 11, maybe, when he last said there'd never be another after Mom, and I believed him. A couple of weeks after that, my dad told me I needed to join the marriage counseling sessions because his wife was feeling like s**t, and we needed to all come together and find a way forward where she felt loved and wanted by me.

He said he was worried his marriage would end if we didn't figure it out. I told him I wasn't joining their marriage counseling and that it had nothing to do with me.

He told me it had everything to do with me because she didn't want to stay married if she was merely tolerated by me. He said we needed to figure it out as a family, and he told me if I didn't go, it might break his wife's heart enough that the marriage ends now.

But I put my foot down and said no again. He's asked me every week since, and my answer hasn't changed.

He said his wife broke down at their last session and said she didn't want to have a family that wasn't whole, and that the counselor had wanted to speak to me too. He said my refusal was killing his marriage and I should figure out a way with his wife because if they were together long-term, she would be around my kids, and she might not want to be a grandparent to them if I'm indifferent to her.

AITA?

Dynamics of Stepfamily Relationships

Stepfamily dynamics can be incredibly complex, often rooted in the unique histories and emotions of each family member.

Comment from u/vovinvritra

Comment from u/No_Cockroach4248

The whole thing kicked off at a private lunch when her dad asked how she felt about his wife and what “category” she fit into for her.</p>

Additionally, studies show that the success of blended families often hinges on effective communication and the establishment of new family norms. A key aspect of this process involves acknowledging and validating the feelings of all family members, which can foster a sense of belonging and reduce resistance.

Encouraging open dialogues about feelings and expectations can significantly improve relationships among stepfamily members.

Comment from u/MelTheKeeper

Comment from u/Turbulent_Ebb5669

When considering participation in therapy, it's crucial to reflect on personal feelings and motivations. Developmental psychologists emphasize that children and adolescents may feel overwhelmed by the emotional complexities of their family's situation, leading to resistance against therapy.

Understanding this can help in framing the request to attend therapy in a way that acknowledges their concerns while highlighting the potential benefits for family harmony.

Comment from u/ssddalways

Comment from u/Both-Butterfly-58

After she told him she didn’t love her and wouldn’t treat her like a maternal figure, he kept pressing with death and divorce scenarios.</p>

Moreover, it's important to recognize that attending therapy can be a valuable opportunity for individual growth.

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Comment from u/Neuropathic1980

Lastly, it’s essential to approach the topic of therapy with sensitivity and openness. Acknowledging your own feelings about the situation can foster a collaborative atmosphere where everyone feels heard. Studies in family psychology demonstrate that when family members feel their voices are valued, they are more likely to engage positively in therapeutic processes.

This collaborative approach can lay the groundwork for healthier family relationships moving forward.

For a different kind of family fallout, read about the brother’s overdue rent and the prized comic collection being on the line.

Comment from u/redditlurker1981

Comment from u/HeIsCorrupt

The argument really escalated when her dad suggested she could still bond with a stepparent, even though she said for her it just wasn’t happening.</p>

How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

Comment from u/Isabelsedai

Comment from u/Mindful-Reader1989

Practical Recommendations for Participation in Therapy

To facilitate a more positive outlook toward attending therapy, consider proposing a trial session where family members can voice their concerns in a controlled environment. Research suggests that easing into therapy can reduce anxiety and foster a more open attitude toward participation.

Highlighting the potential for improved communication and understanding as a result of therapy may also motivate attendance and participation.

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Comment from u/Sea-Refrigerator9188

By the time she tried to stop the questions and admitted she wasn’t close to his wife, he still wasn’t satisfied with her answers.</p>

The refusal of the 19-year-old to attend her dad and stepmother's marriage counseling highlights the complexities inherent in blended families. The emotional landscape is often layered with unspoken grievances and unresolved tensions, making the idea of family therapy particularly daunting. In this case, the daughter's honesty about her feelings towards her stepmother reveals a need for open dialogue rather than forced participation. Engaging in such counseling can indeed be beneficial, but it requires a foundation of trust and willingness from all parties involved. Without this, the potential for growth and healing may be stifled by reluctance and resentment.

He might be happier if he asked for answers that didn’t sound like a contract.

Still arguing over money and boundaries, see if you’d “WIBTA” for making your unemployed brother repay rent.