Relationship Dilemma: Boyfriend Wants Kids But Won't Marry Me - AITAH

Are you the jerk for not wanting to have kids with your boyfriend because he won't marry you? That's the question at the heart of this Reddit post that's stirring up some passionate responses.

The original poster, a 31-year-old woman, has been in a relationship with her 33-year-old boyfriend for seven years. They had discussed marriage and kids early on, but now things have taken a turn.

She values marriage before having children, considering it a bigger commitment. The boyfriend, however, is against marriage due to concerns about getting "screwed over" in a divorce.

This clash of values has led to a standoff where she refuses to have kids outside of marriage, and he's pushing for children without tying the knot. Emotions are running high, especially as the boyfriend has a life-limiting illness and feels the urgency to have kids sooner rather than later.

Commenters are divided, with many supporting the original poster's stance, citing concerns about commitment, manipulation, and self-worth. Others question the boyfriend's motives and advise caution, especially regarding birth control.

The situation raises complex issues around relationships, values, and personal boundaries. The debate is intense, with strong opinions on both sides, making for a compelling discussion.

Original Post

My boyfriend (33m) and I (31f) have been dating for seven years. Early on we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang.

I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother. I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any.

I’m happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well. My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad, and recently suggested that we’re in the place to start trying for some.

I was a little confused by this. I told him early on, within the first year, that I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to.

I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first. Additionally, if a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children?

Maybe it’s old fashioned of me. I explained all of this to him, once again.

He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.

I said that’s fine. We don’t have to get married.

I’m happy with our life as is. We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together.

We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other. If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way.

He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him. I said I’m not, just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.

I also told him that since he’s super against the idea of marriage I am not going to marry him just for a shut up ring, that he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay.

Children and marriage are off the table for us. If he wants kids now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in return.

And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me, and maybe or maybe not have kids. I said all of this to him.

He’s been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy.

He has said that if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood. AITAH?

The Psychology Behind Relationship Expectations

Relationship expectations can significantly influence how partners navigate family planning. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that differing views on marriage and parenting can create tension and conflict in relationships. In this case, the boyfriend's reluctance to marry may stem from fears related to commitment or previous experiences, which can complicate the decision to have children.

Understanding these underlying fears can help individuals approach the situation with greater empathy and insight, ultimately facilitating healthier discussions about their future together.

The Intersection of Values and Family Planning

The decision to refuse having children with a partner who is unwilling to marry touches on core values and beliefs about relationships. Research from the Journal of Marriage and Family highlights that differing values can create significant stress in romantic relationships. The desire for commitment through marriage often correlates with personal beliefs about family and stability, making this situation particularly poignant.

Understanding these underlying values can help clarify motivations and foster healthier discussions about family planning.

Comment from u/CocoaAlmondsRock

Comment from u/ERVetSurgeon

The fear of divorce and its potential impact on children can shape one’s views on marriage and parenthood. Research by Dr. Judith Wallerstein highlights how experiences of parental divorce can lead to anxieties about stability in future relationships. Recognizing these fears may help both partners engage in more meaningful conversations about their values and aspirations.

Communicating openly about these concerns can foster a sense of safety and understanding within the relationship, paving the way for collaborative decision-making.

Comment from u/SunshinePrincess21

Comment from u/ceres-magos

Moreover, studies indicate that fear of divorce can influence individuals' willingness to commit long-term. Research published in the Journal of Social Issues suggests that individuals who have experienced divorce or witnessed it in their families may be more cautious about marriage. This apprehension can create tension in relationships when one partner feels ready to take the next step while the other holds back.

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Comment from u/touchGrss

The Importance of Shared Values in Relationships

Shared values are crucial for relationship satisfaction, particularly when it comes to major life decisions like marriage and having children. According to studies published in the American Psychological Association, couples who align on core values tend to experience greater relational stability. In this case, exploring both partners' views on marriage and parenting can help clarify expectations and reduce tension.

Engaging in open discussions about what each partner envisions for their future can enhance mutual understanding and create a shared foundation for decision-making.

Comment from u/MyFoundersStayed

Comment from u/changelingcd

The Emotional Ramifications of Commitment Issues

Commitment issues often stem from deeper emotional patterns related to attachment styles. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a relationship expert, individuals with anxious attachment styles may struggle with the fear of abandonment or rejection, leading them to resist making commitments such as marriage. Understanding these attachment styles can provide insight into the dynamics at play in this relationship.

Research supports the idea that addressing these underlying fears through open dialogue can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.

Comment from u/Only_Opinion_2271

Comment from u/louisianefille

Conflict over having children can also reflect deeper relational dynamics, including issues of power and control. Research indicates that when one partner feels pressured to conform to the other's desires, it can lead to resentment and conflict. Understanding these dynamics can help both partners navigate discussions about children with greater empathy and awareness.

It may be beneficial to explore each partner's motivations and feelings surrounding parenthood to facilitate a more collaborative dialogue.

Comment from u/Jp_The_Man

Psychological Analysis

This situation illustrates the common challenges faced when personal values clash in romantic relationships. It's essential for both partners to engage in open discussions about their feelings and fears to create a more harmonious relationship moving forward.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, the complexities of commitment and family planning involve a delicate interplay of values, fears, and societal expectations. Psychological research underscores the importance of open dialogue and understanding in resolving these conflicts. By fostering a supportive environment, couples can navigate their differences and strengthen their relationship.

Psychological Analysis

This situation exemplifies how differing views on marriage and parenting can create tension in relationships. Understanding the underlying fears and motivations can facilitate more productive discussions and enhance emotional connections.

Encouraging open dialogue about aspirations and concerns can help both partners feel validated and understood, ultimately fostering a healthier relationship dynamic.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Relationship dilemmas around marriage and parenthood often reflect deeper fears and expectations. Understanding these dynamics can help couples navigate conflicts with greater empathy and insight.

By fostering open communication and exploring shared values, partners can work toward collaborative solutions that honor both their desires and concerns.

Furthermore, the societal pressure to conform to traditional relationship norms can exacerbate feelings of frustration for individuals caught between their values and their partner's hesitancy. A study from the American Psychological Association emphasizes that societal expectations can create additional stress for couples navigating these discussions. Recognizing these external pressures can help couples better understand each other's perspectives and foster compassion.

Comment from u/gringaellie

NTA so he doesn't want to marry you, but he wants you to have his children and become a single parent when he dies? Sounds like a catch!

Comment from u/Healthy-Magician-502

NTA. Thank goodness you know your own worth.

Comment from u/Rejscj24

Stick to your guns. Women get screwed 100x worse taking care of the children with dads not caring about paying child support.

Comment from u/Ok_Distribution_2603

So, correct me if I’m wrong, but he’s got a life limiting illness and he’s already planning for the end of his first marriage and trying to limit whatever damage he perceives divorce would cause *him* without thinking of you as anything other than a baby making machine who is pretty certain to be left alone at some point to raise the child(ren) on her own? Do I have that right? After seven years (seven years? seriously?) I’m honestly left to wonder what he brings to the table that keeps you in a relationship with him. NTA, but girl what is you doin’

Comment from u/phtcmp

NTA: prenups exist. But the fact that he’s so hung up on getting screed over WHEN the marriage ends is all you really need to know.

Comment from u/squaddie500

Well done for respecting yourself, it’s rare in a lot of women nowadays who think having children will make these men want to marry you when they really just want to use you until they find something better to them, I think if marriage is something you want though and he is clearly not able to commit then you should find someone who is worthy of you and sees the value in you because i don’t believe he does especially after 7 years

Comment from u/cactuswildcat

You made your expectations clear early on and they're very wise. NTA but at this point I'm not sure it's worth staying with him either way - he's been essentially lying to you the entire relationship and hoping that by doing so he could pressure you into abandoning your values.

Comment from u/Brave-Ad-1363

NTA so let me get this straight his life expectancy is shortened enough to where he wouldn't see his children to adulthood unless he has them now but he's worried about you f*****g him over in a dispute? Has he never heard of a prenuptial?

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

Strategies for Navigating Relationship Conflicts

To address these challenges effectively, employing open communication strategies can be beneficial. Research highlights that using 'I' statements can help articulate personal feelings without placing blame, creating a more constructive dialogue. For instance, saying, 'I feel anxious about our future when marriage isn't part of the conversation' can promote understanding and connection.

Additionally, seeking couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues and enhance emotional intimacy.

Ultimately, navigating the complexities of commitment requires patience and understanding from both partners. Psychological insights suggest that addressing fears and values openly can lead to healthier relationships and a clearer path forward. By prioritizing communication and empathy, couples can work towards finding common ground.

Practical Steps for Addressing Relationship Dilemmas

When addressing the decision to have children, consider setting aside time for a dedicated conversation where both partners can express their views openly. Creating a safe space for dialogue can help each partner feel heard and respected. Additionally, using reflective listening techniques—where each partner paraphrases the other’s points—can enhance understanding and reduce defensiveness.

Exploring compromises, such as discussing timelines for marriage and family planning, can also help both partners feel more comfortable with the decision-making process.

Ultimately, fostering open communication is key to navigating this dilemma successfully. By prioritizing empathy and understanding, couples can work toward a resolution that honors both partners' feelings and aspirations.

Encouraging ongoing discussions about values and expectations can strengthen the relationship and create a solid foundation for future decisions.