Roommate Conflict: Asking For Fair Alone Time With Girlfriend - AITA?

Roommate drama is usually about dishes, not dating schedules. But this dorm situation turned into a full-on fairness debate the moment two friends started dating new people within weeks of each other.

OP (20F) and her roommate, Sof (20F), made a plan early in the semester for how often their girlfriends could stay over. OP agreed to alternate weekends between her girlfriend C’s place and their dorm, while Sof set rules limiting C in the room on weekdays. The twist? When OP and C want alone time, Sof only leaves for about five hours, but when Sof wants alone time with her girlfriend F, OP ends up clearing out the room for the whole Saturday night.

Now OP is asking Sof to stay one night at F’s to even the deal, and Sof is calling it a values problem, not a schedule problem.

Original Post

I (20F) share a dorm with my roommate, Sof (20F). We were also very close friends.

I started dating my girlfriend, C, early this semester, and Sof started seeing this girl, F, three weeks ago. Early in the semester, I asked Sof what limits she wanted for C staying over.

She said three nights a week max. So, I suggested that I alternate weekends: one weekend at C’s and the next weekend C would spend at mine.

Sof agreed, and we followed that. I sleep over at C’s on Monday/Wednesday nights voluntarily.

Now, I leave the room on Saturday nights when Sof asks so she can have alone time with F. However, when C and I want alone time, Sof only leaves for five hours max.

She claims she doesn’t need to leave any longer because, unlike me, she doesn’t care about being in the room when my girlfriend is over. Sof has never asked me to leave for a full night; she only asks for a couple of hours.

I choose to stay out the whole night because I don’t want to third-wheel, and I have history with F (we talked for a couple of weeks last semester, then mutually ghosted each other), which makes it awkward. Meanwhile, Sof is fine being in the room when C is over, so she chooses to come back earlier.

I asked if she could stay at F’s one night of the weekend to even things out since I always leave on Saturdays for her. She refused, saying she’s not comfortable staying at F’s overnight and that I already sleep over at C’s voluntarily, so it “doesn’t count” as her getting an extra night.

She is allowed to stay at F’s; she just doesn’t prefer to. Sof and I argued about all of this over text, and she told me we have different values in friendship and that we should just be roommates, not friends.

She said she’d try to stay at F’s once a week but only to avoid arguing, not because she actually agrees with me (her words). Important Info:

- Sof set a rule at the beginning of the semester that C isn’t allowed to be in our room at all after school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, except for rare occasions if I ask her permission first.

- I have accommodated this.

- Sof inserts herself into any private conversations C and I have in the room. I brought this up, and she dismissed it, saying she has the right to talk to anyone in her room.

- C called Sof earlier in the semester to talk about this issue, but Sof hasn’t changed.

- Sof and I’s room is significantly nicer than C's or F's rooms.

We live in a hotel (don't ask), so there are queen-sized beds, a large TV, and a private bathroom. I never asked Sof to leave for extended periods until now because now she has somewhere else she can stay.

C's roommate has nowhere else to stay, so we can't kick her out. F's roommate does sometimes spend nights elsewhere on weekends.

At this point, I feel like I’ve accommodated her, but she won’t do the same. And it’s deeper than just a roommate dispute to me.

I think, as my friend, she should understand why I would want the room for a night and try to make it more even. (Also, if you're wondering why we need more than five hours, please consult your local lesbian...)

This conflict exemplifies common challenges in roommate relationships where boundaries and personal time are often tested.

Comment from u/lihzee

Comment from u/BaffledMum

OP followed Sof’s original “C can’t be in the room” weekday rule, so it’s extra tense that Sof won’t match the same effort on Saturdays with F.

Research indicates that discussing needs openly, without accusations, fosters understanding and cooperation.

In this case, a calm, respectful dialogue about the need for personal time could help both parties feel heard and valued.

Comment from u/BuilderWide1961

Comment from u/InfamousCup7097

Coping Strategies for Roommate Conflicts

To navigate this type of conflict effectively, consider implementing a 'roommate contract' that clearly outlines expectations for shared living spaces.

Such an agreement can include designated times for personal use of the apartment, promoting fairness and mutual respect.

Comment from u/Aristol727

Comment from u/owls_and_cardinals

The argument really ignites when Sof says OP’s leaving “doesn’t count” as an extra night because OP sleeps over at C’s voluntarily.

Additionally, it's important to recognize the emotional underpinnings of conflict.

Like the OP who asked for a rent increase after their roommate’s partner overstayed, you’re negotiating fairness with Sof.

Comment from u/Jerseygirl2468

Comment from u/FangornWanders

Empathy plays a vital role in resolving conflicts like these.

Comment from u/eeemf

Comment from u/Fumbles329

It gets messier fast when OP brings up staying overnight at F’s one time, and Sof refuses, citing discomfort and then offering a “once a week” compromise just to stop the texting war.

Lastly, it might be beneficial to explore the nature of the relationship with the girlfriend.

Comment from u/EarlyElderberry7215

Comment from u/wesmorgan1

What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

Comment from u/Ok_Aioli3897

Comment from u/Scared_Fox_1813

Comment from u/k23_k23

Comment from u/No-Result9108

Comment from u/Extension_Recover_23

Then Sof drops the nuclear line, telling OP they should be roommates, not friends, after OP points out the whole situation is lopsided.

The article highlights the tension that arises when one roommate requests time alone with a partner, which can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment if not addressed effectively.

The need for empathy cannot be overstated, as both parties must recognize each other's needs and feelings. The situation calls for a thoughtful dialogue where both roommates can express their desires and come to a mutual understanding. By fostering open communication, they can work towards a resolution that respects both the desire for intimacy and the importance of friendship.

Ultimately, navigating these roommate dynamics is about balancing personal needs with the reality of sharing a space, emphasizing the necessity for compromise and cooperation.

Nobody wants to feel like the third wheel, but OP and Sof are both acting like the other one is.

Before you pick sides, see why a roommate’s secret business using your utilities sparked a rent fight.