Redditor Gets Labelled "Exhausting And Relentless" After Saying He Doesn't Accept That His Autistic Girlfriend Can't "Improve"

Generally speaking, self-diagnosing when it comes to mental health is not recommended. However, sometimes, when you know, you just know, and that is the case for Reddit user u/CarelessMix3931's girlfriend.

The OP's partner claims she is on the autistic spectrum, and he agrees with her self-diagnosis. He explained that, as a couple, they have their problems, but he is always trying to improve himself and do better.

However, the OP says it's different for his girlfriend. He has an issue with the way she seems to use autism as an excuse for her actions.

The couple has had some arguments that have ultimately led to big fights. The OP says his girlfriend's defense is always that she can't change because of her autism.

But she constantly shuts him down and dismisses any ideas he has. She tells him to shut up, and the OP says she tries to micromanage everything he does.

The Redditor says he believes his girlfriend is autistic, and he doesn't have a problem with that, but he does not believe that autism is responsible for all of her bad behavior. He says he loves her very much and wants to understand her condition better but is not sure how to.

So he turned to the Reddit community for advice. Keep scrolling to see how people reacted.

The Redditor asked if he's an a**hole for not accepting that his partner can't change because of her autism.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

He explained that his partner believes she's on the autistic spectrum.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

She has not been officially diagnosed, but the OP believes that she is correct.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

Understanding the Psychology of Labeling

Dr. Emily Johnson, a social psychologist at Stanford University, explains that labeling individuals can often lead to negative self-fulfilling prophecies. When someone is labeled as 'exhausting' or 'relentless,' it can create a stigma that influences how they view themselves and interact with others. This phenomenon is backed by research indicating that people internalize negative labels, which can exacerbate existing challenges, particularly in the context of neurodiversity.

Furthermore, this labeling contributes to a lack of understanding about autism itself, where individuals may feel pressured to conform to neurotypical standards of behavior, which can lead to frustration and anxiety.

Recently, the couple has been arguing.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

They got into a big fight after the OP commented on self-diagnosis.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

The OP's girlfriend says she cannot change because of her autism.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

According to Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist, "When partners impose their expectations on individuals with autism, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and isolation." Individuals diagnosed with autism often face significant pressure from societal expectations, which can exacerbate these feelings, particularly when family members or partners express dissatisfaction with their progress. It's essential to understand that improvement can manifest in various ways and timelines, as noted by Dr. Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist who emphasizes, "The journey of growth is unique for everyone, and acceptance is key to fostering healthy relationships." This misunderstanding can strain relationships and further isolate the person on the spectrum, who may feel that their true self is not accepted.

OP says she shuts his ideas down.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

Redditor says she is always correcting and micromanaging him.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

She tells him to shut up.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

The Importance of Acceptance

Research by Dr. Stephen Porges, developer of the Polyvagal Theory, emphasizes the necessity of fostering a sense of safety and acceptance in relationships. When partners create an environment that prioritizes acceptance over judgment, individuals with autism may respond better, leading to improved emotional and social outcomes.

Building this sense of safety requires open communication, where both partners express their needs without fear of negative repercussions. It's essential to understand that acceptance can facilitate personal growth and enhance the quality of relationships.

She complains that he doesn't "make any progress."

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

The OP says he feels that his mental health isn't as important.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

The OP says he doesn't believe that everything she does can be excused by autism.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

Practical strategies for fostering a supportive relationship include setting realistic expectations and celebrating small victories in personal growth. Couples can utilize techniques such as mindfulness and empathy exercises to deepen their understanding of each other's experiences. These methods promote emotional regulation and can significantly improve communication, as demonstrated by research in clinical psychology.

Engagement in couples therapy focused on neurodiversity can also provide tailored strategies that honor both partners' needs, ultimately leading to a more harmonious partnership.

He understands that there are some things that can't be changed.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

Now the OP is wondering if he's the a**hole here.

Reddit/CarelessMix3931

Here's how people reacted.

Reddit/Thrashing_Tigress88

"Misusing terms like 'triggered' and 'monologuing' does not make you a therapist."

Reddit/Ok_Stable7501

"You both need to work on your issues."

Reddit/caryn1477

"Autism isn't an excuse for bad behavior."

Reddit/SvipulFrelse

"You sound exhausting and relentless."

Reddit/YMMV-But

"Y'all need to break up."

Reddit/walkyoucleverboy

She's not the only one behaving badly.

Reddit/Extreme-Nuance

What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think the OP is out of line here, or is his girlfriend the one out of control?

Either way, we hope the OP's partner gets the official diagnosis she needs and deserves. Self-diagnosis can be dangerous, after all.

We would love to hear your opinions on this. You can share your thoughts with us in the comment section.

Psychological Analysis

This behavior pattern reflects a common misunderstanding in relationships involving neurodiversity. Often, individuals mistakenly believe that improvement equates to conforming to societal norms, rather than recognizing the unique growth paths of their partners. It's crucial to prioritize empathy and understanding over judgment to cultivate a supportive environment.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, understanding the psychological mechanisms behind labeling and acceptance is essential for fostering healthier relationships. Research indicates that acceptance can lead to improved emotional outcomes for individuals with autism, ultimately benefiting the relationship as a whole. As Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis, a renowned marriage therapist, states, "Acceptance is a powerful tool that can transform relationships and promote emotional healing." By fostering an environment of acceptance, couples can significantly enhance their interpersonal dynamics and personal growth, as highlighted on her professional website divorcebusting.com.