Setting Boundaries - Confronting Brother-In-Law's Behavior Towards Kids

Some families have harmless inside jokes, and then there’s Hector, the brother-in-law who treats “rile people up” like it’s a full-time job. In this Reddit post, the OP isn’t dealing with a one-off comment, she’s watching her kids get targeted, again and again, while everyone else is trying to keep the peace.

The cast is already complicated: three kids, Rob (16m), Lisa (14f), and Anne (9f). Lisa is autistic, and Taylor Swift is her special interest, so the family indulges it, not because they have to, but because they’re supportive. Hector, meanwhile, decides the best way to “joke” is to mock Taylor Swift, use the wrong fan name on purpose, and keep needling Lisa even after Rob calls out what he’s doing.

Then it escalates at exactly the moment the OP walks in, and the family dinner energy turns into a boundary showdown.

Original Post

I have three kids: Rob (16m), Lisa (14f), and Anne (9f). Lisa is autistic, and her special interest is Taylor Swift.

Rob and Anne go along with it and indulge her. They’re good kids who care for and support each other, and Rob and Anne receive attention and support for their interests too.

My brother-in-law Hector's entire personality revolves around trying to rile people up. You know the whole “it’s just a joke, bro.”

Super childish, but whatever—“he’s family.” Except my husband is out of the country, so I guess Hector thinks he can do whatever he wants. A few weeks ago, he started needling Lisa by making fun of Taylor Swift, using lots of childish name-calling and intentionally using the wrong word for fans and stuff.

Just really immature kid stuff. Lisa knows that not everyone likes Taylor Swift, and some people even hate her.

One of her best friends hates her. She’s not unable to hear different opinions.

She has her own opinions, and I’m sure she’d LOVE to share them with you all if you had four hours to spare. He would say, “Well, Swiffers did x, y, z,” and she would say, “Uncle Hector, it’s Swifties,” and he would say it again to needle her.

Rob was in the room; I was not. Rob said to him, “Why do you keep using the wrong word? She told you the right word?”

Hector said he can say whatever he wants and to “cry about it.”

Rob said, “It just seems like you’re going out of your way to upset Lisa.”

Rob asked her to finish what she was talking about and to ignore Hector.

This is when I came into the room, and Hector waved at the kids and said, “Roberta’s getting real mad that someone’s joking about mother (?)”

(I wasn’t in the room, so I didn’t hear the comment about me, and Rob said I wouldn't get it.)

Before I could say anything, Rob said, “Bro, did you really just call me a girl’s name? Are you 12?”

I put my hands up and said, “Okay, enough, Hector, stop.”

He said I’m raising soft kids who can’t take a joke. I said he’s being incredibly rude and that he wouldn’t be acting like this if my husband were home.

I said that if he wants to still go with us to Colorado in the summer as we were planning, he has to stop NOW or he’s not coming. This set him off, and he said I had no right to do that (yes, I do) and that I’m being a controlling yak over Taylor Swift.

I said, “No, f**k Taylor Swift, this is about you being mean to your niece because her dad isn't home.” He said, “F**k you, and good luck next time we have a problem; we’re on our own.”

He took his Costco chicken and left, and I swear he must have immediately gone running to my mother-in-law because she called me to ask what really happened and sighed a lot. I asked her if I was overreacting, and she said she just hopes we can work it out because that trip was all he had to look forward to since he was laid off from work.

I HATE causing drama in the family, so am I the a*****e? Am I out of line? Thanks for all the feedback; I have a path forward.

It also needs to be said that some of you are just inventing an entirely new story involving Hector losing his job because he has a bad personality. This is entirely fictional; this didn't happen.

His job laid off almost everyone because they are struggling financially and likely won't recover.

Addressing Bullying in Family Dynamics

Confronting a family member about bullying behavior can be challenging but is essential for the well-being of the children involved.

Research from the Journal of Family Psychology indicates that addressing negative behaviors directly can lead to healthier family dynamics.

When family members choose to ignore harmful actions, it can perpetuate a cycle of abuse and dysfunction.

Comment from u/Perfect_Ring3489

Comment from u/owls_and_cardinals

Hector keeps pushing the Taylor Swift jokes after Lisa corrects him, and Rob is the one clocking it in the room.

Psychologists emphasize the importance of assertive communication when addressing bullying, as it can promote understanding and accountability.

Comment from u/tiger0204

Comment from u/LevelCurrent3791

Bullying can have long-term effects on children's mental health, potentially leading to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Comment from u/No_Yogurtcloset_1687

Comment from u/RoyallyOakie

The moment Rob tells Hector to stop needling Lisa, Hector doubles down with “cry about it,” like that’s a normal parenting strategy.

Research indicates that families who engage in open discussions about respect and empathy foster healthier dynamics.

This proactive approach can help reduce the incidence of bullying and promote positive interactions.

Comment from u/hpotter29

Comment from u/KBD_in_PDX

Empathy plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts within families, particularly those involving children.

This is like the AITA where a friend’s luxury vacation bragging blew up after boundaries were set.

Comment from u/lmmontes

Comment from u/SlinkyMalinky20

When OP steps in and says “Okay, enough, Hector, stop,” Hector flips it and claims she’s raising “soft kids.”

This situation emphasizes the need for proactive measures to address bullying within families.

Psychologists suggest that family members engage in regular discussions about positive behavior and its impact on others.

Establishing norms around kindness and respect can create a culture that discourages bullying and promotes emotional safety for all family members.

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We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Comment from u/deepsleepsheepmeep

Right after Hector’s weird jab at “Roberta” getting mad, Rob calls him out for acting like he’s 12, and the whole vibe collapses.</p>

Addressing bullying behavior within families is crucial for ensuring the emotional well-being of children, especially when it involves vulnerable individuals like an autistic daughter who already faces unique challenges. In this situation, the brother-in-law's teasing not only undermines the child's self-esteem but also disrupts the familial harmony.

By encouraging assertive communication, the Reddit user’s son demonstrated a vital first step in standing up against inappropriate behavior. This act of defense not only exemplifies how empathy can foster a more supportive family environment but also highlights the importance of children feeling empowered to protect one another.

Confronting these behaviors directly can pave the way for healthier family dynamics and stronger relationships, ultimately creating a space where all members, especially children, feel safe and valued.

Now OP has to decide whether Hector’s “jokes” are going to keep targeting her kids, or if they’re finally going to stop.

For a different family money fight, see the AITA about covering more trip expenses after finding out the brother was splurging.