Setting Boundaries - Dealing with Boyfriend's Best Friend Always Third Wheeling

Some couples can’t get two hours alone without a third party crashing the vibe. In this Reddit post, a 16-year-old girl is trying to carve out boyfriend time with her 17-year-old boyfriend, but his 18-year-old best friend keeps showing up, inserting himself, and basically taking over every “us” moment.

It starts as constant background presence at school, then spills into everything outside of school too. If they want alone time, the best friend comes. If she plans a picnic or a quick gift exchange, he appears anyway, touching her boyfriend in front of her like it’s a joke, while she’s left sitting there feeling ignored and uncomfortable.

Now she’s heading out on vacation and wants one last real day with him, but she’s pretty sure the best friend will follow them again.

Original Post

I (16F) and my BF (17M) have been together for around 7 months. We are really close, and I’m not able to see him a lot outside of school, mostly because he lives far away and doesn’t have the money for dates and such.

At school (and outside of school), he’s always with his BFF (18M). I understand this because I also only have one close friend, but the thing is, he brings his BFF around everywhere.

Whenever he and I want alone time for just a couple of hours, his BFF has to come. When I plan something fun for us, his BFF has to come. When I want to play video games with him, his BFF doesn’t play video games, but he will stay and try to insert himself into our conversations.

When it was our 6-month anniversary, I got him a gift (we were both really busy with school and wrestling, so we decided to go out over the weekend) and invited him to sit outside with me so we could exchange gifts and hang out for maybe 20-30 minutes before practice. His BFF came and kept touching him in front of me in a way that suggested, “Oh, your boyfriend likes me more than you, haha.”

I told him about this before, and he said that his BFF just follows him around even when he wants to be alone. He said he would try to talk to him, but his BFF is very stubborn.

This continues to happen, and on Monday, I went to see my BF at the park, and we were supposed to have a little picnic. His BFF was there.

Announced. And I ended up alone.

I’m leaving for a vacation on Monday, and I really just want quality time with my BF before I leave, but I think his BFF is just going to follow us around. (Also, I think this is necessary information, but he and his BFF live in the same apartment area.

I don’t want to say complex because they live directly across from each other. So whenever my BF wants to walk over to the park or somewhere, his BFF usually just follows.) WIBTA if I tried to set more boundaries about our hangouts/dates?

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship, and it often becomes necessary when a partner's friend is perceived as intrusive.

When these boundaries are respected, relationships tend to flourish; when they are violated, feelings of frustration and neglect can arise.

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When the 6-month anniversary gift exchange turned into an awkward “your boyfriend likes me more” moment, OP realized this wasn’t just bad timing, it was a pattern.

The situation faced by the 16-year-old girl in this relationship highlights significant emotional challenges when a partner's best friend is constantly present. It is understandable that feelings of inadequacy and jealousy may arise, especially when one feels like a third wheel in their own relationship. This dynamic often feeds into deeper fears of abandonment and unworthiness, making it crucial for her to recognize these emotions.

By acknowledging the psychological triggers at play, she can better articulate her needs and desires for more quality time with her boyfriend, paving the way for healthier boundaries in their relationship.

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Communicating Boundaries with Compassion

Effective communication of boundaries is crucial in navigating relationships with external parties. Using 'I' statements to express feelings about the friend's presence can minimize defensiveness in your partner.

For example, saying 'I feel overshadowed when your friend is always around' shows vulnerability and can encourage a supportive dialogue.

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Then Monday’s planned park picnic happened, and the best friend was there, announced, like he had a reservation for their relationship.

Additionally, framing the conversation in terms of how the situation affects the relationship can lead to greater understanding.

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Having a third party involved in a romantic relationship can create feelings of competition and insecurity.

This feels like the friend who kept bragging about a luxury vacation after you confronted her.

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Even when OP and her boyfriend try to do something simple, like video games or a short hangout before practice, his BFF stays planted and talks over everything.

To address these issues constructively, couples can benefit from establishing joint activities that include the friend but also reinforce the couple's bond. Engaging in shared experiences can help mitigate feelings of exclusion and enhance relationship quality.

Moreover, discussing how to prioritize time together can also be an effective solution.

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Seeking Support for Relationship Challenges

If boundary-setting proves difficult, couples therapy can provide a supportive environment to address these concerns. Therapists can guide couples in developing communication skills tailored to their unique dynamics.

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Since the two guys live across from each other and the BFF basically follows him when he walks anywhere, OP is wondering if boundaries are the only way to get actual time alone.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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The recurring presence of the 18-year-old friend not only complicates their time together but also breeds feelings of insecurity and frustration. It is vital for the couple to engage in open communication, allowing the girlfriend to express her need for more intimate moments with her boyfriend. By addressing these feelings directly, they can work towards a more balanced dynamic that respects their romantic connection while also acknowledging the friend's role in their lives.

She’s not trying to kick anyone out, she just wants her boyfriend to stop bringing himself to her relationship.

Want another boundary showdown, read about asking your sibling to repay money for basic living expenses.