Should I Ask My Parents-In-Law To Move Back Home

Are you facing a tricky situation with your in-laws overstaying their welcome? One Reddit user shared their dilemma about their parents-in-law moving in temporarily during the pandemic, only to turn it into a permanent stay for the past four years.

Now, with concerns about smoking around their toddler and clashing living habits, they are contemplating asking the in-laws to move back to their own home. The father-in-law's heavy smoking, even in the presence of the child, and the mother-in-law's cooking preferences causing friction in the household are just the tip of the iceberg.

The clutter, lack of personal space, and the child needing their own room are adding to the strain. The user is considering a plan to ask the in-laws to relocate, providing financial support and transportation.

While the user feels their proposal is fair, the potential backlash and hurt feelings from the in-laws are significant concerns. The Reddit community has shared varied opinions, with some suggesting immediate eviction and others advising clear communication and setting boundaries.

The importance of discussing the matter with the spouse and being united in the decision-making process has been highlighted. What are your thoughts and advice on navigating such a delicate family situation?

Original Post

tl;dr Four years ago, my parents-in-law came to visit me, which later became permanent residency in my home. I'm thinking of telling them to go back to their home.

**Long Version:** Four years ago, during the COVID years, my parents-in-law came to visit me because my wife and I were expecting a baby. Initially, I thought it would be a few months' stay until we got settled around the baby; it turned out they have been living permanently with me until today.

My retired father-in-law even found a job in the second month of their stay. My house only has one spare bedroom, which was later occupied by my parents-in-law, so I have been forced to sleep with my toddler son until today.

**The Problem Right Now** My father-in-law is a heavy smoker (about one to two packs a day), but what disgusts me the most is that he continues to smoke even when my son (or even the neighbor's toddler) is around. He smokes within one meter of a literal newborn (I saw it with my own eyes).

My mother-in-law helps around the house and cooks for everyone. However, she insists on doing things her way, which results in us eating her bland, too salty, or overly earthy food every day.

Additionally, she complains a lot. Since there are two pairs of adults living together, there is so much clutter.

I have an entire cabinet filled just to store their Tupperware, an outdoor desk placed in the pathway, houseplants more than I can count, and an overall collection of random items they don't want to throw away. My son is now four years old, and he is at that age where he starts asking if he can sleep on his own. **The Plan** I just want to tell them, "Hey, can you guys go back to your own house?" I will pay for the transportation; my wife and I even set up a monthly allowance for them.

To me, what I'm proposing seems generous enough. However, my parents-in-law might see it differently, as if we hate them and are throwing them away.

But they already have a decent house in their hometown. My current home is just company housing with total strangers around, but in their hometown, they could have family members nearby.

My father-in-law thinks he wants to keep working and live with me because their hometown doesn't have a good job market. But he is literally 72 years old this year; last month, he was forced to retire again by his employer. Dude, just stay retired and enjoy your life.

Understanding Family Dynamics in Shared Living

This scenario highlights the complexities of family dynamics, especially when extended family members live in the same household. Research in family psychology indicates that shared living arrangements can exacerbate tensions and lead to conflicts over boundaries and expectations.

According to Dr. Judith Wallerstein, family systems theory emphasizes the importance of clear roles and boundaries to maintain harmony in shared living situations.

Understanding these dynamics can help individuals navigate their feelings and expectations more effectively.

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Moreover, the presence of extended family can often lead to feelings of intrusion and loss of privacy. Studies suggest that individuals living with family members may experience heightened stress due to a lack of personal space.

Dr. John Gottman's work on relationship dynamics highlights the importance of maintaining boundaries to foster healthy interactions.

Recognizing the need for personal space is essential for preserving emotional well-being in shared living situations.

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I think it is time for the big talk with your wife. Either HER folks go, or you do. It's time to get your life back. NTA

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NTA. Tell them to hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. Four years of forcing themselves on you is taking the p**s. Let them know it's not working anymore, your son needs his own room, and there's not enough space for them with that happening.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation illustrates the challenges of shared living arrangements with extended family. Open discussions about boundaries and responsibilities are crucial for maintaining harmony. By addressing these issues together, families can strengthen their relationships and create a more supportive living environment.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating the complexities of shared living with extended family requires open communication and boundary-setting.

By discussing expectations and establishing clear agreements, families can enhance their relationships and reduce conflict.

Ultimately, recognizing the emotional implications of shared living can foster a more supportive and harmonious environment.

Comment from u/SadFlatworm1436

You could start off with, “Now that you’ve retired, it’s time for us all to start the next phase of our lives,” i.e., them in their home and you in yours. NTA

Establishing Boundaries in Shared Living Situations

To navigate conflicts in shared living arrangements, clear communication about boundaries and expectations is crucial. Engaging in open discussions about personal space and privacy can help family members understand each other's needs.

Research indicates that when family members articulate their boundaries, it can lead to increased respect and cooperation.

By establishing clear expectations, families can create a more harmonious living environment.

Comment from u/FlanSwimming8607

Have the hard conversation. It’s time for your son to be in his own room. Time for them to go back home.

Comment from u/Alfred-Register7379

NTA. I think even your wife knew that they would come and stay permanently. If she's not working, then you are her bank. And if they are not working, even though they are permanent, you are their bank as well. Tell them it's time to go by looking up apartments and showing your wife. If she laughs in your face and doesn't agree, then you know the marriage is over. They basically have a free house, and you're the one who would have to move.

Comment from u/Wolverine97and23

1) Why the f**k are you letting anyone smoke anywhere inside the house with a child there? YTA for allowing this in YOUR home! 2) Your house, your rules; they listen to you! Get them out, as they don’t respect you.

Comment from u/BliepBlipBlop

NTA. But you're not choosing your child's health over your in-laws' feelings. How are you concerned about the clutter, lack of space for your child, and the smoking but not enough to do something about it years ago? Their feelings don't matter. Kick them out. They have a house. This is insane. You and your wife need to take action instead of letting this happen.

How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

Additionally, creating a family agreement regarding household responsibilities and boundaries can alleviate misunderstandings and promote cooperation. Studies show that written agreements can clarify roles and responsibilities, reducing stress and conflict.

By discussing and documenting expectations, families can foster a sense of accountability and shared responsibility.

Engaging in collective decision-making can also enhance family cohesion and reduce tension.