Should I Cancel My Weekend Plans for My Ex? AITA?

In a Reddit post, a divorced parent seeks advice on whether they are in the wrong for not wanting to cancel their plans for a casual hookup, despite their ex-husband having forgotten about his custody weekend. The settlement between the exes involves breathalyzing the ex-husband for alcohol use, which has not been an issue lately.

The parent has taken precautions for the weekend, including informing a friend and ensuring safety measures. They express guilt over potentially canceling on their ex-husband.

Top comments suggest that as long as the kids are in a safe environment with their grandmother, the parent should not feel guilty for wanting time for themselves. They emphasize the importance of self-care and not shouldering the responsibility for the ex's forgetfulness.

Some comments encourage the parent to prioritize their well-being and enjoy the planned weekend. Others caution against overthinking the situation and advise on the importance of maintaining personal time.

Overall, the Reddit thread delves into the complexities of co-parenting, self-care, and navigating personal desires amidst parental responsibilities, offering a range of perspectives and support for the parent's dilemma.

Original Post

I'm divorced. Same old story: he cheated, I left, blah blah blah.

We had the usual custody battle, and we signed a settlement that gives him a buildup of time as long as he meets certain criteria. He has a drinking problem and relapsed, but now he is sober again.

I always know when he's been drinking. I can tell.

Also, the settlement gives me the right to breathalyze him at every exchange and anytime I have suspicions. I do breathalyze him.

He has not failed at all. I have not suspected alcohol use at all.

It has been a few months, but I know another relapse is always possible and even likely, based on statistics. The settlement gives him one of my weekends.

I made plans to meet someone for casual sex. I never do this.

I was already nervous about it. I've been talking to him for quite a while, and we planned this weekend two months ago.

So it's not with a stranger. We're friends.

I reminded my ex today that he was getting an extra weekend. I reminded him two weeks ago, as well.

And a month ago. He had forgotten.

He said he had to work, but then he said his mom could babysit.

Am I the asshole for not saying that I'll go ahead and keep them and cancel my plans? I don't want to be one of those moms who puts men over her kids.

But this is the first weekend in over seven years that I've not had to work and also not been responsible for kids. And I really wanted this weekend to happen.

I want to get away and have a little bit of fun. Just this one time.

I don't have anyone blowing up my phone. I'm not bragging about this to all my friends and family.

My best friend knows. She has all his information and knows where I'll be and if connected to my location.

Just in case. And I've video chatted with this person, checked for a criminal record, and seen his ID.

He is who he says he is. I'm just feeling incredibly guilty right now, and I'm about to cancel and call my ex to tell him I'll keep the kids.

Adding for clarity: I work every other weekend. This is literally the only time in the foreseeable future that I can do this.

One more add: he lives about three and a half hours from me, so we can't really just get together after work. And I'm not going to have some random guy in my house with my kids.

So he can't just come to me.

When faced with the decision of prioritizing personal time over obligations to an ex, it's essential to consider the psychological concept of self-care. Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a happiness researcher, states, "Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity for maintaining mental health." Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation can help alleviate stress, particularly for single parents managing complex family dynamics. According to Dr. Lyubomirsky's insights on her professional website, recognizing the importance of self-care can empower individuals to prioritize their own needs while ensuring their children are safe and supported.

Comment from u/ShmebulocksMistress

Comment from u/possible-penguin

A clinical psychologist noted that feelings of guilt in this situation are common, especially among divorced parents. This guilt often stems from a desire to maintain a positive co-parenting relationship, but it can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout if personal needs are consistently neglected.

Dr. Brené Brown's research on vulnerability emphasizes that embracing one's needs and desires is crucial for healthy relationships. By establishing boundaries and communicating openly with her ex, the parent can foster a more balanced dynamic that honors both her needs and the children's well-being.

Comment from u/Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh

Comment from u/ScarletNotThatOne

Social psychologists have found that parental roles and societal expectations can create pressure, leading to internal conflict when making personal choices. According to Dr. Michael Thompson, a child psychologist, "Parents often feel torn between their responsibilities and their need for personal time, which can lead to significant stress." By recognizing these pressures, the individual can contextualize her feelings, understanding that prioritizing personal time doesn't equate to failing as a parent. Dr. Thompson emphasizes, "It's crucial for parents to take care of themselves to be effective caregivers." This perspective shift can reduce guilt and promote healthier decision-making.

Comment from u/SinglePermission9373

Comment from u/dejomatic

Future scenarios like this one may be better managed with proactive communication strategies. Trauma specialists suggest that setting clear expectations with an ex-partner about custody schedules can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of neglect. A strategy such as a shared calendar app can provide transparency and accountability.

Additionally, regular check-ins about plans and needs can foster a cooperative co-parenting environment, thereby reducing stress for both parties and allowing each parent to pursue personal time without guilt.

Comment from u/EmpressOfMyBackyard

Comment from u/rebcl

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in marital stability, emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in relationships. His studies reveal that understanding and validating one’s emotions can significantly improve relational dynamics. In the context of co-parenting, being aware of emotional triggers, such as guilt or resentment, allows for healthier interactions.

Utilizing techniques like active listening and expressing feelings without blame can help both parents navigate the complexities of their relationship post-divorce, promoting a more supportive environment for their children.

Comment from u/TerminalVector

Comment from u/greenlandsharklove

According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, children benefit from observing healthy boundaries between parents. When parents prioritize their own needs, it models self-respect and emotional health for their children.

This modeling can positively influence children's future relationships and coping mechanisms. Understanding this perspective can alleviate guilt, reinforcing the idea that self-care is not selfish but rather a necessary aspect of effective parenting.

Comment from u/Suspicious-Name-5199

Comment from u/analfistinggremlin

In navigating complex emotional landscapes, mindfulness practices can also prove beneficial. Research by the American Psychological Association suggests that mindfulness enhances emotional regulation and reduces anxiety, which can be particularly helpful for parents feeling torn between obligations.

Incorporating mindfulness exercises, like deep breathing or meditation, can provide clarity in decision-making. Engaging in these practices can empower the individual to confidently prioritize personal time without the burden of guilt, fostering a healthier emotional state for both her and her children.

Comment from u/ShekhMaShierakiAnni

Comment from u/Anniebelle1020

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

Comment from u/Remote-Passenger7880

Comment from u/ShadedElmo

Clinical Perspective & Next Steps

In balancing personal needs with parental responsibilities, it's vital to recognize the psychological impact of guilt and societal pressures. Research highlights that prioritizing self-care is essential for maintaining mental health and fostering healthy family dynamics. By establishing clear boundaries and employing communication strategies, divorced parents can navigate their co-parenting relationships more effectively. Additionally, integrating mindfulness practices can aid in emotional regulation, allowing parents to make decisions that honor both their well-being and that of their children. Ultimately, understanding and embracing the necessity of self-care can lead to healthier family environments.

Comment from u/laneykaye65

Comment from u/leepd2

Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the psychological struggle many parents face when trying to balance personal desires with parental responsibilities. The mom's guilt suggests she may be grappling with internalized beliefs about motherhood that dictate self-sacrifice is paramount, often leading to feelings of unworthiness when prioritizing her own needs. It’s crucial to recognize that self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for maintaining a healthy balance in co-parenting and personal well-being.

Analysis generated by AI