Should I Choose Dad as My Realtor? AITA for Considering Someone Else?

Some families keep things messy in the background, like a low hum you can’t ignore. In this one, the chaos has a real estate license and a talent for turning “help” into a full-blown family feud.

OP and her husband have been saving for their first home for two years, but every step forward gets tangled in drama with her dad. He became a realtor five years ago, sold barely anything, and now resents friends who do not use him, even while his license has drained the family. Last year, OP and her husband only looked at a listing out of curiosity, using their rental realtor, Holly, and when OP called her dad for advice, he flipped the next day, yelling at her and calling Holly a scam artist.

Now OP has a new showing tomorrow, and she and her husband have quietly decided to use Holly anyway, even though her mom will feel the fallout.

Original Post

My husband and I (both 24) have worked hard for 2 years to save for our first home. But it’s been overshadowed by drama with my dad.

He became a realtor 5 yrs ago after struggling in a dead-end job for years. I was incredibly proud of him and supported his career change.

Since then, he’s only sold 1 home to a family friend, and is back in another dead end job. His realty license has been a huge financial drain to my family with little return, and he continuously resents multiple family friends/acquaintances who don’t use him as a realtor when they go to buy a home.  When my husband and I secured our rental 2 years ago, we worked with a realtor (Holly) who managed this rental and stayed in touch and occasionally sends us house listings.

Last year, one caught our eye. We knew we were not ready yet, but purely out of curiosity decided to take her up on her offer to look.

I called my dad for advice.

The convo went fine, I thought. The next day my mom calls me in tears: my dad had been yelling at her all day about his ungrateful daughter.

He ranted about how dumb we were for looking at homes with 0 credit (we have 0 debt, large savings, and got approved for a mortgage so clearly it is possible) We never listen to his advice, etc. He then came on the phone and yelled at me, calling Holly a scam artist, all realtors are crooks except him, and that I never consider his feelings.

I tried to explain the misunderstanding, assuring him we would use him in the future. He wouldn’t listen.

He said he wanted no part in our search. The house was a dud, but since then, hubby and I have saved considerably and are ready to finally attempt buying.

We are looking at a listing tomorrow and I should be excited but I’m not. While my dad may be assuming we will use him despite that phone call last year, we have silently agreed to use Holly.

I’m especially close to Mom so it hurts to hide this from her. I could tell her, but she will then guilt trip me to use Dad, to save herself from the arguments with him.

I’ve also learned troubling things about Dad from Mom: stealing from my grandma’s finances to fund luxury car projects, and using his realty license to spy on estranged family. Their financial instabilities concern me- just one example was when they told me they couldn’t help fund my education, yet at the same time spent money on luxury cars and RVs.

I can’t trust my dad with something as important as our 1st home. I don’t want to use him just to appease my family but I also fear my dad shutting us and future kids out of his life due to his ego not letting him visit our new home. I’m financially stable, the most secure person out of my family, and I think mayyybe they’re jealous of our success.

It’s causing me enough stress that I find stupid reasons to walk away from a listing bc I don’t want to make an offer knowing I have to tell my parents. Any advice?

Choosing a family member as a realtor can trigger complex emotional dynamics that are not always easy to navigate. Family roles often blur the lines between personal and professional expectations. This blending can lead to feelings of obligation and loyalty, which may ultimately hinder effective decision-making. When family members take on professional roles, the emotional stakes are inherently higher, creating a conflict between loyalty and personal needs that can complicate the home-buying process.

When engaging in such a significant financial transaction, it’s essential to evaluate whether emotional ties will cloud your judgment regarding professional competence. Acknowledging these potential pitfalls early on is crucial. Emphasizing your priorities and expectations upfront can help mitigate potential friction. Open communication about both professional capabilities and personal feelings can lead to a more harmonious experience, ensuring that both your relationships and your home-buying goals are respected and fulfilled.

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The second OP’s dad started yelling at her mom and calling Holly a scam artist, the “just looking” house trip instantly turned into a family crisis.

Research in relational psychology indicates that feelings of obligation can breed resentment when family members work together.

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Trust is a cornerstone of any successful professional relationship, serving as the foundation upon which all interactions are built. Interpersonal trust is primarily constructed on two key elements: reliability and competence. These attributes are crucial, especially when selecting a realtor, as they directly influence the quality of service and support you can expect throughout the process.

When considering a realtor, it’s vital to assess not only the emotional ties that may exist but also the professional capabilities of the individuals involved. A strong emotional connection can be beneficial, but it should not overshadow the need for expertise and proven results in the real estate market. If trust in your father’s abilities is compromised, exploring other options may be wise and even necessary for your peace of mind.

Creating a checklist of qualities you value in a realtor can help clarify your decision-making process. This structured approach allows you to evaluate potential candidates more objectively, ensuring that you find someone who aligns with your needs and expectations.

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After her dad declared he wanted “no part” in their search, OP and her husband still managed to save up and get approved, so the timing could not be more awkward.

When navigating this personal-professional dilemma, establishing boundaries can play a crucial role in preserving both family and professional relationships. Setting expectations upfront can significantly help avoid misunderstandings and emotional fallout that may arise from blurred lines between work and family obligations.

A practical approach to address this situation is to schedule a family meeting, where you can openly discuss your concerns with your dad. During this meeting, it’s essential to affirm your love and support for him, ensuring that he understands your intentions are rooted in care. This creates a safe space for honest dialogue, allowing both parties to express their feelings without shaming or blaming each other, ultimately fostering a more understanding and supportive relationship moving forward.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries

Involving a neutral third party can provide much-needed clarity if emotions run high during discussions about real estate matters. When family members are deeply invested, tensions can escalate quickly, clouding judgment and complicating the decision-making process. Mediation can facilitate constructive conversations and help clarify disputes, making it a valuable tool in these situations.

A neutral mediator can ensure that everyone's perspectives are heard and valued, which is crucial for maintaining family harmony. By providing a structured environment for dialogue, the mediator can help participants articulate their concerns and work towards mutually agreeable solutions, thereby reducing potential family tensions.

Consider inviting a trusted family friend or a professional mediator to guide the conversation, ensuring that it remains focused and productive. This approach not only fosters a sense of fairness but also encourages collaboration, ultimately leading to better outcomes for all parties involved.

This is similar to the uncle who threw away the dog food, then faced backlash for calling it “ridiculous”.

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Since OP is close to her mom, the decision to use Holly tomorrow feels less like choosing a realtor and more like hiding a betrayal.

To navigate the complexities of choosing a realtor while managing family dynamics, consider implementing structured decision-making strategies. Today, take a moment to list your immediate concerns regarding your dad’s professional capabilities. This exercise will help clarify your thoughts and feelings about the situation. In the short term, it would be beneficial to initiate a candid conversation with him about your expectations and reservations regarding his approach to real estate.

Having an open dialogue can alleviate misunderstandings and set the tone for future interactions. Finally, over the next few months, make it a point to evaluate any emerging patterns in your interactions with him. Pay attention to how these discussions evolve and whether they lead to positive changes.

Using this method not only helps you make a rational decision but also fosters open communication. Ultimately, this approach lays the groundwork for a healthier family dynamic, regardless of your final choice regarding the realtor. By being proactive, you can ensure that both familial relationships and professional decisions are respected and nurtured.

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How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

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Meanwhile, OP’s dad is probably assuming they will circle back to him, even though he spent all last year burning bridges with every call.

Deciding whether to enlist a family member as a realtor can be a complex dilemma, especially when concerns about morals and financial stability come into play. The couple's two-year effort to save for their dream home should be a joyous milestone, not overshadowed by family drama. Choosing a realtor is not just a business decision; it is a personal one that requires careful consideration of trust and professionalism. The potential risks of working with someone who has questionable ethics or financial issues can far outweigh the comfort of keeping it in the family.

Nobody wants to buy a house with their dad watching like it’s a loyalty test.

Wait, you think you might be TA too? Read about a teen who got judged for teasing their sibling after they finished a family-size ice cream container.