Should I Cut Ties With A Former Female Coworker At My Wife's Request?

It started as an awkward workplace friendship, then turned into a full-blown marriage stress test. OP, a happily married guy, used to work with a woman named Jess, they kept it strictly non-romantic after he got fired, and now his wife wants him to cut ties completely.

Here’s the complicated part: they only message on Facebook Messenger, never hang out alone, and OP says the conversations are stuff like playlists on YouTube Music and random talk about food or work. But Jess is still the one female connection in OP’s day-to-day life, and OP admits he hid the messages at first, which did not exactly help his wife feel calm.

To make it worse, OP doesn’t have friends nearby, so Jess and their work friend John are basically the only people he sees, which makes “just stop talking” feel impossible.

Original Post

Long story, but here goes. So I used to work with this girl; let’s call her Jess.

Jess and I worked together for about a year before I was fired from the company for something I didn’t do (not going into details). Anyway, after I left the company, Jess and I kept in touch on FB Messenger, and since I got fired back in July 2024, we haven’t hung out at all.

We’ve also never hung out alone together because I don’t want to do that. Also, Jess isn’t my type, and I’m happily married to my beautiful and lovely wife.

I know it’s the lame saying “I’d never cheat on her,” but I truly mean that. The only time I saw another woman was years ago when we were separated for one day, but it was a stupid decision, and the lady was a certified nutcase.

We often joke about it today because it’s just funny. We hung out with another friend (let’s call him John) of ours back in August of last year, but apart from that, we just message back and forth on FB Messenger.

I initially hid it from my wife, but I eventually told her about it, and I understood why she didn’t take it well. Seeing your husband text back and forth with a female coworker is not a good sign, typically.

I’ve heard so many stories of this exact situation ending badly. I’ve tried to do my best to reassure my wife that there is nothing romantic, flirtatious, etc., between myself and Jess, but that has done little to reassure my wife and allow her to feel comfortable with this situation.

When Jess and I text back and forth, it’s never flirty or romantic; it’s usually just about the playlist of music we share on YT Music or random stuff like food or how work is going. I wanted to add that I’m not from the city where we live, and as a result, I don’t have any friends here.

All of my friends live hours away, and it’s difficult to schedule trips, meet-ups, etc. So I don’t have any friends, but Jess and our friend John from work are the only two people that I hang out with.

I just don’t know what I can do anymore regarding this, and I feel like it’s wrong of me to continue to talk to Jess regularly, but I do it because I have no friends or family here, and it’s all just funny random conversations. I do genuinely feel like an a*****e for this, but at the same time, I’ve been more than transparent with this whole thing.

My wife can go on my phone and read all the messages; I have nothing to hide. AITAH?

This situation underscores the vital role that boundaries play in romantic relationships.

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OP tries to explain that his texts to Jess are all about music and normal life stuff, but his wife hears “female coworker” and assumes the worst anyway.

Research indicates that boundary violations often lead to feelings of betrayal and resentment.

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The Complexity of Friendship and Marriage

The intersection of friendship and marriage can be tricky, especially when past relationships are involved.

It's essential to navigate these friendships thoughtfully, keeping the primary relationship at the forefront.

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The trust problem goes deeper because OP originally hid the Messenger chats, even though they weren’t flirty, and now his wife can’t unsee that.

To address the wife's discomfort, it may be helpful to engage in open dialogue about the feelings at play. Research in communication psychology suggests that discussing concerns in a non-confrontational manner can foster understanding and compromise.

This approach can help both partners articulate their feelings and work toward a mutually agreeable solution.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries

By voicing these feelings, couples can create a safe space where both partners feel heard and validated.

Wedding stress can get ugly too, like the AITA where someone postponed their wedding after an unexpected pregnancy.

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Since OP is not from the city and all his real friends are hours away, Jess becomes more than a coworker, she becomes the only realistic social lifeline besides John.

Ultimately, if the relationship with the coworker continues to cause discomfort, it may be beneficial to reevaluate the friendship. Seeking couples therapy can provide guidance on navigating these complex dynamics, helping partners strengthen their bond.

Therapists can assist in developing strategies that respect both the marital relationship and the friendships involved.

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Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

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Now OP is stuck between keeping distance from Jess like he promised, and still needing some kind of connection to get through a life where he has almost nobody else nearby.

In summary, the situation presented in the Reddit thread highlights the essential need for communication and boundaries in relationships. The husband’s choice to maintain contact with a former female coworker, despite his wife's discomfort, illustrates how unresolved issues can lead to relational strain. Addressing these feelings early on is crucial to preventing further conflict.

The importance of open dialogue cannot be overstated, as it allows couples to express their concerns and establish mutual understanding. Seeking professional guidance may also provide valuable insights, helping partners navigate their challenges and reinforce their connection.

He can cut the messages, but his wife might not realize he’s also cutting the only people he has left.

For another couple clash over meals and dietary rules, read the AITA where a vegan girlfriend got mad he wouldn’t share homemade food.