Should I Give My Daughter Access To Her College Fund For A Wedding Or House? Reddit Debates

A 43-year-old mom says she started college funds for all four of her kids the moment she found out she was pregnant, and she never even told them about the money. Then her oldest daughter, El, dropped out of school at 16, got pregnant fast, and the family’s finances started to wobble. Now the younger daughter, Katie, is finally getting ready for college, and that’s when the secret fund turned into a full-blown family fight.

El and her fiancé are engaged but not planning a wedding yet, because they say they cannot afford it. After El’s pregnancy made it impossible to work without a diploma, her mom and husband have been loaning them money to keep them afloat. But when Katie casually mentions her own college fund, El hears “college money” and immediately assumes it can pay for a down payment, maybe even a wedding.

What happens next is the kind of argument that makes everyone at the table realize they were never on the same page.

Original Post

Backstory: I (43f) have 4 kids. El (22f) Katie (17f) cam(15m) isla (5f) and I'm also currently pregnant.

Me and my husband (50m) started adding to college funds every month for each of our kids pretty much as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I won't say the exact amount but my husband has an excellent job so it's more than most.

We never told our kids because it just didn't feel necessary. El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school.

I was very disappointed but I understood. However I was under the impression she would return later, but she has no plans to.

The dad stuck around and now they have 1 more kid (3) and one on the way. They are engaged but don't plan to marry until they can afford it.

They were doing okay financially for a while but due to the market right now they've been struggling because El can't get a job since she doesn't have a diploma so we've been loaning them money. Katie is a senior and just got accepted into college, we've been setting everything up and obviously she knows about the fund now.

Katie and El were talking and she was telling El about the school and El asked how she was planning on paying for it, Katie responded "my college fund" I was in the room while they were talking and this made me panic. We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college.

El asked me if they all had one and I wasn't going to lie, so I said yes. She got really excited and went to call her fiance and tell him the good news.

I was confused and told her she couldn't have the money, she asked why and I said it's for school. She got upset and left my house.

The next day I get a call from El, she was crying and begging me to let her have the funds so she could finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding. I told her she could have the money if she went back to school and whatever money was keft over she could use for whatever she wanted.

She got super mad and started yelling at me and saying it's her money. I told her that it was MY money and those were my conditions and she hung up.

Now we are being harassed by her fiances family (they aren't as fortunate as us) calling us assholes and a lot of other names. Saying it's all gonna go to waste if she doesn't use it, were setting her up for failure, etc..

Now I'm wondering if I'm the a*****e because my dad said we should give her the money as we "saved it for her after all". So am I the a*****e?

UPDATE: ( I think this is within the rules, please correct me if it's not) My daughter came over on Thursday and we were able to work things out. We both apologized and had a long discussion.

She will be getting her GED and will be going to a trade school in exchange for me giving her whatever money is left over. She hasn't decided which one yet, but it will probably be cosmetology.

Her fiances family has apologized. We also decided to pay for small wedding ceremony and reception as a gift.

The debate surrounding the daughter’s request to access her college fund for a wedding or a home highlights the intricate emotional and relational dynamics at play in family financial decision-making. When parents set strict boundaries on financial resources, as seen in this case, it can foster resentment and conflict within the family. This situation underscores the importance of addressing these emotional undercurrents to maintain healthy family relationships, especially when it comes to significant financial discussions. Balancing the financial goals set for children with their immediate needs presents a challenging dilemma that many families face.

Financial Decision-Making in Families

Financial decisions, especially those involving significant funds like a college fund, can create tension in family dynamics. In this case, the conflict over access to the college fund reflects broader themes of financial independence and parental support.

Comment from u/LoveBeach8

Comment from u/prairieislander

That’s when Katie tells El she’s using her college fund, and El instantly clocks it as a solution for a down payment instead of tuition.

Financial conflicts often arise from differing values and priorities.

Comment from u/StAlvis

Comment from u/FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Additionally, financial decision-making is often influenced by cultural and societal factors.

Comment from u/Odd_Trifle_2604

Comment from u/Aiyokusama

Open communication about financial goals is essential for fostering healthy family dynamics.

Comment from u/evieeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Comment from u/cekay3

OP panics in the room, shuts the idea down, and tells El the money is for school, not weddings or housing.

Teaching Financial Literacy

Teaching children about financial literacy is crucial for their development and future independence.

This is similar to the AITA where a mom refused a family reunion because her newborn wouldn’t sleep.

Comment from u/JessicaFreakingP

Comment from u/tatasz

When financial conflicts arise, effective negotiation is key.

Using collaborative language can foster a sense of teamwork and understanding among family members.

Comment from u/jesters_privelage

Comment from u/dublos

The next day El calls crying, begs for the fund anyway, and OP offers a deal that only works if El returns to school.

Involving children in financial discussions not only empowers them but also enhances their understanding of financial responsibilities.

Comment from u/xthrowawayaccxx

Comment from u/brokeanail

Practical Tips for Financial Conversations

Research suggests that creating a shared financial plan can enhance transparency and reduce conflicts.

Engaging in open dialogues about financial needs can foster a sense of community and collaboration within the family.

Comment from u/Mermaidtoo

Comment from u/TheQuietType84

To navigate tensions surrounding financial decisions, effective communication is essential.

Comment from u/ThePillThePatch

Comment from u/space-cyborg

El gets mad at the condition, and OP’s “we’ll loan you money, but not that money” line blows up into a screaming match.

Ultimately, fostering a culture of respect in financial discussions is essential for healthy family interactions.

Comment from u/Weary-Chipmunk-5668

Comment from u/MusicologyMaven

Ultimately, fostering an environment where financial education and communication are prioritized can lead to healthier family dynamics. Encouraging family discussions about money management can empower children and bridge generational gaps in financial understanding.

The debate over whether to allow El access to her college fund for a wedding or a house underscores the complexities of financial decision-making within families. It highlights the necessity of transparent communication about financial priorities. This situation illustrates how emotional factors can intertwine with fiscal responsibilities, revealing the need for families to engage in thoughtful dialogue. The stakes are high, as decisions made now can impact not only El's future but also family dynamics and relationships.

In the debate surrounding whether to allow El access to her college fund for significant life events like a wedding or purchasing a house, the need for open communication emerges as a crucial element. The mother’s reluctance to permit this access may stem from a desire to uphold the integrity of the college savings plan they have worked so hard to build. This situation illustrates how financial decisions can deeply impact family dynamics. Transparency about financial goals and the implications of tapping into these funds could foster a better understanding between El and her parents. Without this dialogue, resentment and misunderstandings may fester, complicating an already emotional situation.

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

This family didn’t lose the college fund because of money, they lost it because of assumptions.

If you think wedding vs house money is messy, check out how one couple split expenses unevenly to cover a partner’s surgery costs.