Should I Give My Daughter Access To Her College Fund For A Wedding Or House? Reddit Debates

Are you the jerk for refusing to let your daughter dip into her college fund for a wedding or a house? The situation is complex: a mother shared how she and her husband diligently saved for each of their children's college funds.

However, the daughter in question, El, who got pregnant at 16, dropped out of school and now has two kids, wants access to her fund for a house and a wedding. The mother, feeling conflicted, insists the money is for education.

As tensions rise, the fiancé's family gets involved, calling them names and pressuring them to give El the money. The Reddit thread is buzzing with opinions.

Some side with the mother, emphasizing the original intent of the fund for education, while others critique her for not being more flexible given the circumstances. Suggestions range from compromising on educational paths to outright denying El access based on her choices.

Amidst the heated debate, questions about fairness, parental responsibilities, and financial planning are raised, adding layers of complexity to the situation. The thread is a mix of judgment, advice, and personal anecdotes, reflecting the diverse opinions on the matter.

Original Post

Backstory: I (43f) have 4 kids. El (22f) Katie (17f) cam(15m) isla (5f) and I'm also currently pregnant.

Me and my husband (50m) started adding to college funds every month for each of our kids pretty much as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I won't say the exact amount but my husband has an excellent job so it's more than most.

We never told our kids because it just didn't feel necessary. El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school.

I was very disappointed but I understood. However I was under the impression she would return later, but she has no plans to.

The dad stuck around and now they have 1 more kid (3) and one on the way. They are engaged but don't plan to marry until they can afford it.

They were doing okay financially for a while but due to the market right now they've been struggling because El can't get a job since she doesn't have a diploma so we've been loaning them money. Katie is a senior and just got accepted into college, we've been setting everything up and obviously she knows about the fund now.

Katie and El were talking and she was telling El about the school and El asked how she was planning on paying for it, Katie responded "my college fund" I was in the room while they were talking and this made me panic. We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college.

El asked me if they all had one and I wasn't going to lie, so I said yes. She got really excited and went to call her fiance and tell him the good news.

I was confused and told her she couldn't have the money, she asked why and I said it's for school. She got upset and left my house.

The next day I get a call from El, she was crying and begging me to let her have the funds so she could finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding. I told her she could have the money if she went back to school and whatever money was keft over she could use for whatever she wanted.

She got super mad and started yelling at me and saying it's her money. I told her that it was MY money and those were my conditions and she hung up.

Now we are being harassed by her fiances family (they aren't as fortunate as us) calling us assholes and a lot of other names. Saying it's all gonna go to waste if she doesn't use it, were setting her up for failure, etc..

Now I'm wondering if I'm the a*****e because my dad said we should give her the money as we "saved it for her after all". So am I the a*****e?

UPDATE: ( I think this is within the rules, please correct me if it's not) My daughter came over on Thursday and we were able to work things out. We both apologized and had a long discussion.

She will be getting her GED and will be going to a trade school in exchange for me giving her whatever money is left over. She hasn't decided which one yet, but it will probably be cosmetology.

Her fiances family has apologized. We also decided to pay for small wedding ceremony and reception as a gift.

Understanding Financial Decision-Making

Dr. Rachel Adams, a financial psychologist, emphasizes that financial decision-making within families often involves emotional and relational dynamics.

Her research indicates that when parents impose restrictions on financial resources, it can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict.

Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthy family relationships around financial topics.

Financial Decision-Making in Families

Financial decisions, especially those involving significant funds like a college fund, can create tension in family dynamics. According to Liz Weston, a financial columnist, "Family financial discussions can often reveal underlying values and priorities that may differ significantly among family members." This sentiment is echoed by Michelle Singletary, who notes, "Disagreements about money often stem from deeper issues of responsibility and expectations." In this case, the conflict over access to the college fund reflects broader themes of financial independence and parental support.

Comment from u/LoveBeach8

Comment from u/prairieislander

Financial conflicts often arise from differing values and priorities. Studies show that when families do not communicate openly about money, misunderstandings can lead to conflict.

According to research published in the Journal of Economic Psychology, addressing money-related topics can enhance family cohesion and reduce tension.

Comment from u/StAlvis

Comment from u/FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Additionally, financial decision-making is often influenced by cultural and societal factors. As noted by Dr. Michele Gelfand, cultural psychologist, "Cultural norms significantly shape our attitudes towards money and financial responsibilities." This perspective is crucial in understanding the differing views among family members regarding financial priorities, as she emphasizes that "the way families approach financial discussions can vary widely based on their cultural background." Such insights can help illuminate the complexities involved in decisions about access to funds for significant life events like weddings or home purchases.

Comment from u/Odd_Trifle_2604

Comment from u/Aiyokusama

The Role of Open Communication

Open communication about financial goals is essential for fostering healthy family dynamics. Research indicates that families who engage in discussions about money are more likely to reach agreements and avoid conflicts.

Utilizing family meetings to discuss financial priorities can help align everyone's expectations and reduce misunderstandings.

Comment from u/evieeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Comment from u/cekay3

Teaching Financial Literacy

Teaching children about financial literacy is crucial for their development and future independence. Research indicates that children who receive financial education from their parents are more likely to manage their finances effectively as adults. A study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology emphasizes the importance of early financial education in fostering responsible financial behaviors.

In this context, discussions about the college fund can serve as an opportunity to instill valuable financial literacy skills in children.

Comment from u/JessicaFreakingP

Comment from u/tatasz

When financial conflicts arise, effective negotiation is key. Studies show that framing discussions around mutual goals can lead to more productive conversations.

Using collaborative language can foster a sense of teamwork and understanding among family members.

Comment from u/jesters_privelage

Comment from u/dublos

Moreover, involving children in financial discussions can empower them and enhance their understanding of financial responsibilities. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, states, "When children are included in financial decision-making, they not only learn about money but also develop a sense of agency and responsibility." Her insights can be explored further on her professional website at drramani.com. This approach fosters a proactive attitude towards financial literacy, equipping children with essential skills for their future.

Comment from u/xthrowawayaccxx

Comment from u/brokeanail

Practical Tips for Financial Conversations

To navigate financial discussions effectively, families should feel empowered to establish clear expectations. Research suggests that creating a shared financial plan can enhance transparency and reduce conflicts.

Engaging in open dialogues about financial needs can foster a sense of community and collaboration within the family.

Comment from u/Mermaidtoo

Comment from u/TheQuietType84

Navigating Family Tensions

To navigate tensions surrounding financial decisions, effective communication is essential. According to Dr. Daniel Kahneman, a behavioral economist, "The way we frame our financial discussions can greatly influence our relationships and decision-making." He emphasizes that understanding each family member's perspective is crucial. Additionally, Michelle Singletary, a financial columnist, states, "Transparent conversations about money not only build trust but also empower families to make informed financial choices together." These insights highlight the importance of dialogue in managing financial expectations within families.

Comment from u/ThePillThePatch

Comment from u/space-cyborg

Ultimately, fostering a culture of respect in financial discussions is essential for healthy family interactions. A clinical psychologist emphasizes that encouraging families to voice their concerns can lead to more supportive environments for all members.

Establishing clear communication about financial goals can enhance trust and collaboration among family members.

Comment from u/Weary-Chipmunk-5668

Comment from u/MusicologyMaven

Ultimately, fostering an environment where financial education and communication are prioritized can lead to healthier family dynamics. Encouraging family discussions about money management can empower children and bridge generational gaps in financial understanding.

Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the complexities of financial decision-making within families. It's essential for family members to engage in open discussions about their values and priorities regarding finances. By doing so, they can create a more harmonious environment and empower each member to understand their role in financial decisions.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Financial decision-making in families requires careful consideration and open communication. Understanding the psychological principles at work can enhance the quality of discussions surrounding financial priorities and foster healthy family relationships.

Psychological Analysis

This situation illustrates the complexities of financial decision-making within families. Establishing clear communication about financial priorities is essential for fostering healthy relationships and reducing conflict.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Research underscores the importance of open communication in financial decision-making to promote healthy family dynamics.

According to the American Psychological Association: 'Financial transparency is key to fostering mutual respect and reducing tension in family relationships.'

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.