Should I Give My Daughter Money for Food When She Won't Fix Her College Food Card Issue?

A 19-year-old daughter started in-person college, and her first big obstacle was something that should have taken five minutes to fix. Her meal plan card wasn’t working, it was even bent, and the simple solution was sitting right there at the campus dining services office.

But this wasn’t a normal “go handle it” situation. Her anxiety makes phone calls and talking to people in authority feel impossible, so instead of getting the card replaced, she skipped meals and called her mom, upset and hungry, like this was something her parent could magically solve.

The mom refused to step in or hand over Walmart money, and now everyone is arguing about whether she’s being harsh or just enforcing reality.

Original Post

Edit: I can't believe I have to say this... I can't force an adult to do anything.

I don't have that power.

Also, please read the comments before asking for information; it has probably been answered.

So, my daughter recently started college in person, and part of her expenses is covered by a meal plan. She is 19, and her first year of college was spent commuting because of her anxiety.

She decided to attend college in person this year and is staying in the dorms. The problem is that her food card isn't working.

It’s something that can easily be fixed by contacting the college dining services, but she refuses to go talk to them. She needs to get a new one since this one is bent.

My daughter has pretty bad anxiety, especially around making phone calls and talking to people in authority. I’ve told her repeatedly that all she needs to do is go to the dining services office, but she won’t do it.

As a result, she’s been skipping meals and calling me, upset that she’s hungry. I have expressed multiple times that she needs to handle this and go talk to the people.

I’ve refused to step in and handle it for her. I got a call today asking me to give her some money to buy food at Walmart.

I told her no and advised her to go talk to the people. This resulted in an argument, and she thinks I am being a huge a*****e.

My spouse thinks I’m being too harsh and suggests sending money or fixing it for her.

This dilemma sheds light on the complex relationship between anxiety and decision-making, especially regarding financial responsibilities. The daughter’s reluctance to engage with the college dining services illustrates a common reaction to anxiety, where individuals may sidestep uncomfortable situations rather than address them directly. Her choice not to resolve the food card issue ultimately puts her in a precarious position, as it complicates her access to necessary resources like food.

The broader implications of this situation resonate with findings in psychological research, which indicate that avoidance behaviors can exacerbate existing challenges. By failing to confront the issue, the daughter not only jeopardizes her immediate needs but may also hinder her ability to manage similar situations in the future, perpetuating a cycle of anxiety and avoidance.

Comment from u/Active-Anteater1884

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It all starts with the mom insisting she can’t force her adult daughter to go talk to dining services, even after the card issue keeps turning into missed meals.

When anxiety prevents individuals from addressing practical issues, it can create a cycle of stress and avoidance.

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Family support is crucial in helping individuals navigate anxiety related to financial issues.

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When the daughter calls her hungry, wanting Walmart money instead of an office visit, the mom doubles down and says no again.

Additionally, encouraging a collaborative approach to solving problems can foster a sense of teamwork and reduce feelings of isolation.

This partnership approach can also reinforce the importance of shared responsibility in financial matters.

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Developing Coping Strategies

Developing healthy coping strategies is essential for managing anxiety related to financial issues. Psychologists suggest that mindfulness practices, such as meditation and breathing exercises, can help individuals regulate their emotions and reduce anxiety levels.

Research indicates that these techniques can be effective in promoting emotional resilience, allowing individuals to approach challenges with a clearer mindset.

This debate echoes the OP who refused a cousin’s home-purchase money after demanding they do it independently.

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The argument gets louder when the spouse suggests sending money or fixing it for her, basically offering the exact shortcut the daughter keeps refusing to take.

Furthermore, creating a structured plan for addressing financial issues can empower individuals to take action, reducing feelings of helplessness.

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Encouraging Open Communication

Open communication about financial concerns is vital in reducing anxiety and fostering collaboration. Encouraging family members to express their thoughts and feelings can create a supportive environment where everyone feels valued.

Research shows that families who prioritize communication report better emotional health and stronger relationships, particularly during challenging times.

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Now the daughter is calling her mom an a*****e, even though the original problem is literally a bent card that can be replaced by contacting dining services.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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In this situation, it is crucial to navigate the anxiety surrounding financial responsibilities with empathy and support.

The mom might be right, but the family dinner is still going to be awkward until someone stops dodging the dining services office.

For another rent-and-boundaries blowup, see the roommate dispute over a partner overstaying and refusing a rent increase.