Should I Have Listened to My Late Ex's Father? AITA for Attending the Funeral?

A 28-year-old woman tried to do the right thing after her ex-husband died in a sudden car accident, and it immediately turned into a family feud with paperwork, grief, and a ticking clock. She was the emergency contact, she got the call first, and she ended up flying into the middle of his family’s plans like it was her job to keep everything moving.

The complication? She and her ex’s father agreed the service would happen in Maryland since that’s where everyone was, they planned a small viewing, and she made sure her kids got their moment to say goodbye. But right as the funeral director was about to start the eulogy, she and her children were told they had to leave, escorted out before the service even began.

And that’s when the real question hit, was she supposed to listen to the father, or was the father the reason she got shut out?

Original Post

Updated: We went, we stayed for about 10 minutes, and then right before the eulogy, the funeral director told us that we had to leave. We were then escorted out.

We were not allowed to stay for the service. It was upsetting for my kids and me; we did get to see a few people, and my children got to see how loved their dad was, even if only for a moment.

I’m going to jump right in because the funeral is this Friday. My ex-husband passed away last week in a car accident, very unexpectedly.

The troopers came to my house (I’m his emergency contact) to break the news. The first person I called was his father, and he flew out the next day with my ex's sister.

Before he flew out, he asked me where we should have the service, in Texas (where we live) or back in Maryland, where our families and friends still live. I told him I felt the service needed to be in Maryland because that was where everyone was, and P (my ex's father) agreed.

He let me know the funeral home said they might be able to do a small viewing with just family, and I agreed to that as long as I felt he was in a condition he’d be okay with. I met my ex's sister and his dad at the funeral home to go over paperwork and plan the viewing. He told me all the details for the funeral back home, and we talked a bit about where my ex worked, his day-to-day life, his home, and the probate process.

His father was taking care of the probate process and seemed defensive about some of his belongings. I really felt that focusing on my children was more important than arguing over small things in the home; all of that could wait, so I backed off from helping with cleaning out his home and handed over all of his insurance paperwork and other information I had that would be useful to them, like contacts at his work and his electric login. We had the viewing, and both of our children said goodbye to their dad, which was very emotional.

At the viewing, I mentioned that a friend had paid for our tickets to fly home, as I was quickly realizing how much everything was going to cost, and I suddenly was without the financial help of their dad. I was extremely thankful for their generosity.

After the viewing, I didn’t hear anything from his sister or dad; they didn’t ask to see the kids or let me know what was going on with the process, and I was actively trying to navigate the life insurance process while grieving my ex and helping my children with their feelings. The last few days have been a blur of crying and anger for all of us; we are so heartbroken to have lost him.

My ex's sister and father flew out on Friday, and around noon, I got a call from his father telling me we were not welcome at the funeral and that my children and I would be a distraction to his (my ex's father) family's grieving. I’m shocked and hurt; I told him I had never heard anything so hateful, and the conversation was over.

My ex's father and sister have never visited Texas; we’ve lived here for four years. They were not close and had no idea where he worked or even any recent photos of him.

We were divorced but still good friends, and my ex was a devoted father. His children were his world.

AITA for not listening to his father and still taking them? The funeral is open to anyone; I can’t imagine us being there among hundreds of other people will really be a problem.

Edit: For those asking his reason, he said, “Well, I gave you a nice service here” - we had a short viewing only and had previously agreed to the service being in Maryland, so no, there was no service. Also, for clarity, I am the beneficiary on the policies; my ex and I did his open enrollment together every year, and we put each other as our beneficiaries to make it easier if anything like this ever did happen.
I have a wrongful death attorney, and he is helping me with the process, but I will reach out to a probate attorney.

Thank you to everyone for the advice on SSI.

Attending a funeral often brings a whirlwind of emotions, particularly when family dynamics are complicated by past relationships.

Comment from u/jazzyma71

Comment from u/dryadduinath

While her ex’s father was already flying in and handling probate details, the OP was trying to keep the focus on her kids and the viewing plan in Maryland.

When individuals feel unwelcome, it can trigger feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Understanding these emotional dynamics can help individuals approach such situations with empathy and self-awareness.

Comment from u/sheramom4

Comment from u/StAlvis

Open communication can be crucial in addressing feelings of exclusion and conflict within families.

Comment from u/4-ton-mantis

Comment from u/wordsmythy

After the viewing went smoothly, with both children saying goodbye, the funeral director suddenly stepped in and cut them off right before the eulogy.

Involving a neutral third party, such as a therapist, can also facilitate these conversations, helping family members communicate their needs and feelings more effectively.

This structured approach can create a space for healing and reconciliation, even amidst difficult family dynamics.

Comment from u/Tangerine_Bouquet

Comment from u/AnnoyedRedheadedMom

In the midst of profound grief, the importance of self-care cannot be overstated.

This feels like the office snack showdown, where one employee swapped junk for healthy options and upset the snack-loving colleagues.

Comment from u/wlfwrtr

Comment from u/mumtaz2004

The moment the troopers delivered the news and the father asked where to hold the service, it set the tone for how welcome she and her kids would be later.

Engaging in reflective practices can also provide clarity and insight into one's emotions, helping individuals process their feelings in a healthy way. Understanding that it's okay to feel conflicted during grief can allow for a more compassionate self-approach.

Comment from u/koalawedgie

Comment from u/Upset-Cook2919

Cultural Considerations in Grieving

Cultural beliefs play a significant role in how families navigate grief and conflict.

Comment from u/CF_FI_Fly

Comment from u/writesideuppineapple

Now OP is stuck wondering if she should have followed her ex’s father’s wishes more closely, especially after being escorted out in front of everyone.

What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

Comment from u/mamajamala

Comment from u/lmchatterbox

Comment from u/Effective-Still-117

Comment from u/embopbopbopdoowop

In the wake of such a tragic loss, the story underscores the complexities of navigating family dynamics while grieving. The Reddit user's struggle to balance her own feelings with the expectations of her late ex-husband's family highlights the necessity of open communication and empathy. These elements are crucial not only for personal healing but also for fostering understanding among those affected by the tragedy.

The emotional turmoil faced by the user serves as a poignant reminder that discussions about grief and expectations can significantly impact familial relationships. As tensions rise during these challenging times, it becomes increasingly important to prioritize self-care and honest dialogues, allowing space for healing and connection amid the pain.

Being “the emergency contact” didn’t matter, because the father’s funeral plan still ended with OP and her kids being thrown out mid-moment.

Before you judge, see why Reddit went nuclear over a sister’s “pickles” comment during cravings.