Should I Have Told My Ex-Husband About My Life-Changing Illness?

A 16-year marriage ended in the kind of mess you never fully shake, with an affair, a move-out, and a new girlfriend in the background. Eight years later, the exes are “amicable,” at least on the surface, because the real focus is the kids, now 18 and 20.

Then OP gets hit with a diagnosis that changes everything, epilepsy. She starts anti-seizure medication, tries to stay calm, and is mostly just trying to keep life steady, especially while her 18-year-old is figuring out college versus trade school. But when the 18-year-old mentions the diagnosis at Dad’s house, the ex calls furious, like OP owes him an update just because he’s the father.

Here’s the part that makes it messy, OP isn’t hiding the truth, she just didn’t volunteer it the moment it happened.

Original Post

I was married to my ex-husband for 16 years before he had an affair with a coworker and decided to move out to be with her. This was about 8 years ago.

We have two kids who are now 18 and 20. After several initial weeks of dealing with my feelings, I have since been amicable with both him and his girlfriend.

I put my feelings aside for the sake of my kids. The 18-year-old lives with me and is taking a year to decide if he wants to go to college or trade school for his future.

I was just diagnosed with epilepsy. I started anti-seizure medication and am crossing my fingers that it will mean I am in the overwhelming majority who, with consistent management, never have another seizure.

Now, my 18-year-old was at their father's and casually mentioned my diagnosis. My ex called me later that evening, yelling that he had a right to know as the father of our children.

While it is not a big secret and I don’t care that he knows, I don’t believe he has a right to know anymore. Our kids are both adults and 'mostly' self-sufficient, and more than likely, I will be fine (once I can drive again since my state has a restriction that you cannot drive for a certain number of months after a seizure).

AITAH for not telling him right away?

The emotional intricacies surrounding the decision to inform an ex-spouse about a life-changing illness are profound.

Comment from u/thirdtryisthecharm

Comment from u/ProfessorDistinct835

The divorce drama is already simmering in the background, so when the 18-year-old casually says “epilepsy” at their father’s place, it reopens old wounds fast.

In this case, adult children may feel caught between their parents, which can lead to stress and anxiety.

Understanding this dynamic can help individuals make more informed decisions about what to share and when.

Comment from u/TenaciouslyPurple

Comment from u/Helpful-Science-3937

Research shows that sudden health changes can significantly alter family roles and dynamics.

When one parent faces a life-changing illness, the emotional burden can shift to the other parent or adult children, which can lead to feelings of resentment or confusion.

It's crucial for families to engage in open discussions about these changes to prevent misunderstandings and promote emotional support.

Comment from u/Alternative_Rest5150

Comment from u/Kind-Plate-2351

OP’s trying to keep things smooth for the kids after years of putting feelings aside, but her ex hears about the diagnosis through their adult son’s mouth, not directly from her.

Many individuals fear judgment or misunderstanding, which can lead to avoidance of disclosure altogether.

Comment from u/MsMirameaLosOjos

Comment from u/AdReasonable1128

Establishing Healthy Communication Channels

Effective communication strategies are essential for navigating the complexities of family dynamics after a significant health diagnosis.

Using 'I' statements can help in expressing feelings without placing blame, making it easier for family members to engage in meaningful dialogue.

Encouraging family meetings to openly discuss feelings and expectations can also create a supportive atmosphere where all voices are heard.

This is also like the AITA where the poster refused to let a friend stay rent-free, despite months of financial strain.

Comment from u/One-Statistician178

Comment from u/ConclusionUnusual320

The real trigger is the ex-husband’s yelling about “a right to know,” even though both kids are adults and OP’s main concern is getting her license back after seizures.

Ultimately, fostering a culture of openness and understanding within families can alleviate the emotional strain caused by health issues.

Encouraging empathy and active listening can help family members feel safe sharing their concerns and needs.

This approach not only strengthens relationships but also aids in collectively navigating the challenges posed by illness.

Comment from u/iwoodsay

Comment from u/Waste_Worker6122

What do you think about this situation? Let us know in the comments.

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Comment from u/OkManufacturer767

Comment from u/ResolutionSafe6898

Comment from u/unotruejen

Comment from u/phred0095

Now the question becomes less about whether he knows, and more about whether the timing and the way he found out should matter after that 16-year marriage blew up.

The situation presented in this article underscores the intricate dynamics of illness disclosure within familial relationships.

He might be mad about “right to know,” but OP is the one living with the diagnosis.

For more dinner drama, see what happened when a coworker demanded strict dietary accommodations.