Should I Have Told My Friend I Was Dating Her Ex?

A 28-year-old woman refused to mention she was dating her best friend’s ex, and now that secret has blown up the friendship like it’s been living on borrowed time.

OP and Sarah have been close since college, so when Sarah dated Mike for a few months and then amicably split, OP figured the story was done. But at a social event, OP ran into Mike, the two of them clicked fast, and the flirting turned into actual dating. The complication is brutal: Sarah found out through mutual friends, not from OP, and she feels betrayed and disrespected.

Now Sarah won’t talk to OP and has basically cut her out of the friend group.

Original Post

I (28F) have been friends with Sarah (27F) since college. We've always been close, and I value her friendship a lot.

About a year ago, Sarah dated a guy named Mike for a few months. They broke up due to compatibility issues, and it was an amicable split.

Sarah never mentioned any lingering feelings for Mike after their breakup. Recently, I ran into Mike at a social event, and we hit it off.

We started talking, and eventually, we realized we had a lot in common. Over time, our conversations turned into flirtation, and we both felt a connection.

We decided to give dating a shot. The dilemma is that I never told Sarah about my relationship with Mike.

I was worried about how she would react since they dated in the past. I know I should have been upfront, but I was scared of hurting her or ruining our friendship.

Sarah ended up finding out through mutual friends, and she's devastated. She feels betrayed that I would date her ex without even discussing it with her.

Now, Sarah refuses to talk to me and has distanced herself from our friend group. She feels like I broke her trust and disrespected our friendship.

I didn't intend to hurt her, but I understand why she's upset. So, Reddit, AITA for dating my friend's ex-boyfriend without telling her?

The Challenge of Navigating Friendships

This situation illustrates the complex web of emotions that can arise when love and friendship collide. OP's choice to date Mike, her friend's ex, without informing Sarah raises crucial questions about loyalty.

The ethics of dating a friend's ex often depend on context, and in this case, it feels like OP may have underestimated the emotional ramifications. This isn't just a romantic decision; it's a friendship test that many can relate to, and it sparks a real debate on whether certain lines should be drawn in the sand.

OP and Sarah’s college-level closeness was the whole reason OP hesitated to bring up Mike, even as the social-event sparks started flying.

Comment from u/kittylover99

NTA. Sarah should have moved on by now. You deserve to be happy, and if Mike makes you happy, then go for it.

Comment from u/coffeebean88

YTA. Friends should always come first. You should have been honest with Sarah from the beginning.

Comment from u/thespicytaco

ESH. Sarah shouldn't dictate who you can date, but you should have been more considerate of her feelings.

Comment from u/bookworm27

I get why Sarah is upset, but friendships are complex. Sometimes feelings develop unexpectedly. Maybe try talking to her and explaining your side.

The moment OP and Mike realized they “had a lot in common” and leaned into flirting, the missing conversation with Sarah became a ticking time bomb.

Comment from u/skyhigh36

YTA. Friends' exes are off-limits. You should have respected that boundary.

This is basically the same bind as AITA about dating a friend’s ex while keeping it secret.

Comment from u/music_lover123

NTA. You can't control who you develop feelings for. Sarah needs to understand that.

Comment from u/gamingqueen77

NAH. It's a tough situation, but communication is key. Try to have an open and honest conversation with Sarah.

When Sarah heard the news through mutual friends instead of OP, it didn’t just feel like dating her ex, it felt like losing trust in real time.

Comment from u/sushilover21

It's a tricky situation, but honesty is always the best policy. You should have talked to Sarah before pursuing anything with Mike.

Comment from u/pizzaparadise

NTA. You deserve happiness too. Sarah needs to realize that you have feelings that matter.

Comment from u/sleepyhead

YTA. Dating a friend's ex is a sensitive issue. You should have handled it more delicately.

Now Sarah has distanced herself from the entire friend group, and OP is stuck watching her friendship with Sarah fall apart over one unspoken detail.

What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!.

Why Transparency Matters

The fallout from OP's decision reveals a deeper issue around communication and transparency in friendships. By not informing Sarah about her intentions with Mike, OP inadvertently created a rift that could have been avoided. It's one thing to pursue happiness, but it's another to do so at the expense of a close relationship.

This story resonates with readers because it touches on a universal truth—dating a friend's former partner can feel like a betrayal, even if neither party is still emotionally invested. The community's divided reactions shine a light on how subjective these situations can be, as some readers empathize with OP's desire for love while others feel Sarah deserves a heads-up. It's a messy, relatable dilemma that invites us to reflect on our own boundaries.

Why This Story Matters

This story serves as a reminder of the delicate balance between love and friendship.

The dilemma faced by OP highlights the complex interplay between personal desires and loyalty in friendships. Even though her romance with Mike blossomed after an amicable breakup, OP's decision to keep it secret reflects a fear of jeopardizing her long-standing friendship with Sarah. When Sarah learned about the relationship through mutual friends, her feelings of betrayal suggest she may still have a sense of ownership over her past with Mike. This situation serves as a powerful reminder of how critical open communication is in maintaining trust within friendships.

OP didn’t mean to hurt Sarah, but keeping Mike a secret turned a breakup story into a full-blown betrayal.

For the fallout of confronting a friend over secretly dating her ex, read this Redditor’s confrontation after “behind my back” dating.