Should I Have Yelled At My Husbands 19 Y.O. Employee For Homophobic Comments

Some couples keep their drama at home, but in this one, the workplace is where the fuse gets lit. A gay teen named Joe is helping out in his 39-year-old boss’s small London bookshop, and what starts as awkward banter turns into full-on slur territory fast.

OP, a 37-year-old Irish immigrant who and his husband are not exactly PDA people, tries to stay calm as Joe makes “jokes” about them being “f---y,” asks crude questions like “whose the top,” and drops the f slur repeatedly. OP’s husband keeps telling him to let it go, until Wednesday, when Joe walks in, doubles down, and even calls OP “a fenian f---t,” which finally pushes OP over the edge.

Now OP is stuck wondering if yelling was the right move, or if he crossed a line with the person working behind the counter.

Original Post

Throwaway account. I (37M) and my husband (39M) have been together 11 years.

My husband owns a small bookshop and recently has hired a boy to help him. This lad (I'll call him Joe) is gay and while me and my husband very obviously have no issue with this, Joe seems to do things a lot differently to us.

For context both me and my husband are Irish immigrants to London. We grew up a 20 minutes away from each other and went to the same, very Catholic, school.

We aren't exactly flamboyant or outwardly 'gay' and don't exactly do PDA since that's how we were raised. On my lunch break from work I like to visit my husband bringing him records I think he might like and his coffee.

Recently however Joe has started making comments. It started small with him saying things about'queer joy' and how he loves gay couples which we didn't mind at all, in all fairness it's a fairly scary world for queer people right now and I understand seeing a happy married gay couple means a lot for a kid.

But then he started getting a little too comfortable for my liking. He started asking things like 'whose the top' and calling us the f slur jokingly.

I think it's entirely inappropriate to be making those comments to his boss but my husband told me to let it go. Joe calls us the f slur a lot which I had brought up a few times telling him calmly to not do that but when he continued I learnt to let go despite my distaste for it since it didnt seem to bother my husband too much but last Wednesday I lost it.

I was up by the counter when Joe came in. He immediately started blathering on about how f---y we are and while my husband chuckled awkwardly,I did not.

Joe noticed this and said I was a stick in the mud and repressed. I was trying to keep my cool until he called me 'a fenian f---t' and I lost it.

For anyone who doesn't know the term 'Fenian' isnt exactly a slur or anything but it isn't exactly nice either. Me and my husband jokingly call each other fenians or paddy's from time to time if weve something particularly 'Irish' and I've never exactly viewed as a very offensive word to me but something about this English boy made me snap.

I asked him if he thought that was an appropriate thing to say to his boss's partner and started shouting. Telling him hes way out of play and if he wants to keep his job he should buck up.

I left to cool down a bit and 30 minutes later got a call from my husband berating me saying that Joe was crying and that hes just a kid. I do feel really bad since hes only young but I still think he needed to be knocked down a step or two, am I the a*****e?

Edit: I see a lot of people making comments about the nature of the relationship between Joe and my husband, my husband has asked Joe to stop on my behalf before but this isn't something that really bothers my husband and to be fair it's his workplace not mine. Update: Joe is my husbands son.

I won't go too much into the details for both my and their privacy but I had a major fight with my husband about why he was being so lenient with him and why we didn't have my back in this. We were shouting back and forth until he shouted something about 'blood being thicker than water' I shout back about him being just some boy and he stopped suddenly.

Then he told me. Joe is from an ex girlfriend of his whose now unable to take care of him so my husband picked up.

He's been playing child support for years. We each have our separate bank account so I didn't even notice.

I'm contemplating separation and divorce. Someone I've known for 25 years became a stranger in 10 seconds.

I physically got sick thinking back on those sexual remarks that he made to his FATHER. My husband alsways went white as a ghost when he said those kinds of things and that was possibly the only thung he actually gave out to him for but it makes me feel sick all the same Sorry I won't be responding to comments I need to get my head right personally

Addressing Inappropriate Behavior at Work

This situation highlights the importance of addressing inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

Comment from u/EJ_1004

Comment from u/SuperPookypower

OP and his husband are already awkwardly navigating Joe’s “different” vibe, from “queer joy” to the first time the f slur shows up.

Studies show that workplace bullying and harassment can have severe consequences for mental health, as detailed in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology. Employees who experience or witness inappropriate comments often report increased stress, anxiety, and decreased job satisfaction.

This indicates the need for proactive measures to address such behavior promptly.

Comment from u/EsseBear

Comment from u/nim_opet

The revelation of family ties complicates the situation, as personal relationships can influence professional behavior.

Comment from u/Nicolozolo

Comment from u/Worth_Winter2468

The tension ramps up when Joe starts making comments right in front of the boss, and OP keeps correcting him while his husband shrugs it off.

Engaging in open conversations about workplace behavior is essential for creating accountability.

Comment from u/FSLAR

Comment from u/Gillette1814

When personal relationships intersect with professional ones, it’s essential to tread carefully.

This can help prevent conflicts of interest and ensure that professional standards are upheld.

This feels similar to the siblings feud over whether to sell the childhood home for financial stability.

Comment from u/Worth-Season3645

Comment from u/EldestPort

Then Wednesday hits, Joe comes in talking loud about how “f---y” they are, and OP finally snaps after the “fenian f---t” line.

Ultimately, if the situation escalates, it may be necessary to involve human resources or seek mediation.

Comment from u/Exotic-Knowledge-243

Comment from u/chainblade59

What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!

Comment from u/ImTheDogYouSeek

Comment from u/Significant-Half-189

Comment from u/Educational_Fly3751

Comment from u/StepFew3094

Comment from u/lilspaceking12345

Comment from u/ThatInAHat

Comment from u/CasWay413

Comment from u/IrmaVep21

With Joe’s homophobic talk and OP’s outburst now tied to the bookshop counter, OP has to deal with the fallout and whether his husband’s “let it go” advice was wrong.</p>

In this situation, taking a stand against inappropriate behavior, particularly homophobic comments, is crucial for ensuring a respectful workplace. The discomfort felt by the man and his husband at Joe's comments highlights the necessity of fostering an environment where all employees feel safe and valued. By confronting such behavior directly, as the husband did, it not only addresses the specific incident but also sets a precedent for what is acceptable in their bookshop.

He’s wondering if he should have yelled, or if Joe should never have been allowed to talk that way in their shop in the first place.

Want another parenting fight? See why she limited newborn visits after nonstop criticism from family.