Should I Help My Fathers Former Maid Find a New Job?

A 28-year-old woman refused to help her father’s former maid land on her feet, and it turned into an awkward family power struggle fast. What should have been a simple “I’ll help you out” request became a debate over whether she owed her dad anything at all.

Her father is moving abroad in a month, and every now and then he asks her for “small ways” to help. This time, he wants her to employ the maid or at least recommend her services to someone she knows. The complication is that the maid worked at his apartment for 10 years, but the OP says the place looked tidy while the details were a mess, from dirty cutlery and leftover food bugs to laundry she neglected and clothes that went missing.

Original Post

My father is moving abroad in about a month. I moved out of his place years ago and have been busy lately, so I haven’t been able to help him pack or anything.

Every now and then, he’ll ask me to help “in small ways.” Whenever I can, I do. Recently, he asked me to either employ his former maid or recommend her services to someone I know.

She’s an older woman who worked at my father’s apartment for 10 years and has grandchildren, so he wants to help her find someone else to work for. He didn’t get any luck, which is why he came to me.

I’ve chosen not to do either of the things my father asked for two reasons. The first is that I don’t need a maid.

My husband and I live in a much smaller apartment, which we don’t have too much trouble keeping clean. We have a toddler, so we’re not really focusing on tidiness right now, but a maid still feels like a luxury, rather than a need.

Secondly, I never thought my father’s maid was good at her job. Back when I lived with my father, most of the place itself always looked clean, but it almost never really was.

She’d never wash the cutlery or dishes properly, and I’d find bugs in the drawers due to the leftover food. She neglected a lot of the laundry, and some of our clothing would go missing due to that.

She’d throw food away without asking, rearrange things she’d been told not to and criticize the way me and my younger sister would decorate our rooms. She also declared one day she’d stop washing my and my sister’s underwear because one of us had “bled on it” (understandable, but neither of us were on our periods the week she told us that).

None of that ever really bothered my father because the apartment always looked tidy, he hardly ever cooked and he wouldn’t realize his clothes were missing until he found them (plus she was always a bit more careful with his things). I noticed it very early on, but since I wasn’t the one paying her, I didn’t interfere. I’m not saying she was awful, but I wouldn’t recommend someone for a job if I didn’t think they were great at it.

Most importantly, I wouldn’t tell my friends to hire her.  I told my father I couldn’t recommend her to anyone because of all of the above. He said I was being petty and cruel, and that since she helped our family for 10 years, this is the least I can do to pay her back.

My husband’s on my side, but I do understand how this could be seen as cruel. My father is still upset.

AITA?

In the realm of family dynamics, the choice to assist someone often reflects a complex balance between empathy and personal values. The Reddit user faces a challenging decision regarding their father's former maid, who has been a part of their family for a decade. The emotional weight of their upbringing may push them toward a desire to help, yet their past interactions with the maid complicate this instinct. This scenario illustrates the internal struggle many individuals encounter when determining their obligations to others, particularly when those others are tied to family.

The user's reluctance to assist stems not only from a sense of duty but also from their personal beliefs about the maid's role in their family life. While the father’s request may seem straightforward, it opens up deeper questions about loyalty, responsibility, and the nature of support within familial relationships. Balancing these competing pressures is a common experience, and it highlights the nuanced motivations that drive our decisions in sensitive matters like this one.

Comment from u/RoyallyOakie

Comment from u/tidymaze

OP’s father keeps framing it as “small ways” to help, but this request is really about using OP’s network for a job he already couldn’t fill himself.

Social norms play a crucial role in guiding our actions, especially in family contexts, where the expectations can be particularly pronounced. Society often expects individuals to assist those in need, particularly when a familial bond is involved, creating a complex web of obligations that can be hard to untangle. The user’s perception of these social expectations could significantly complicate their decision-making process, as they may feel intense pressure to conform to these norms, even when it conflicts with their personal feelings.

Furthermore, the user's reluctance to help may stem from a belief that not assisting others is a way of establishing personal boundaries, which is also a valid social stance. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of guilt or anxiety, as individuals weigh their responsibilities against their need for autonomy. Understanding these dynamics can help individuals navigate their feelings of obligation versus personal choice in a more informed and compassionate manner.

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Examining the Impact of Past Experience

Previous experiences significantly inform our decision-making processes, often in ways we might not fully appreciate.

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Comment from u/NicoBaker

When OP describes the dirty cutlery, the bugs in the drawers, and the laundry that led to missing clothes, it’s hard to see why she’d trust this woman in her own life.

Sometimes, the fear of potential repercussions weighs heavily on our decision to help. The user may worry about the implications of recommending the maid for a new position, especially if their performance was subpar. This concern aligns with the concept of social responsibility, as outlined in Social Role Theory, which posits that our behaviors are influenced by societal expectations and norms that dictate how we should act in various situations.

Thus, the decision to assist can be fraught with anxiety about the potential outcomes, not only for the maid but also for the user’s relationship with their father and others involved. The user might fear that a poor recommendation could lead to negative consequences for the maid, potentially harming her future opportunities. Furthermore, they may also worry about how their choice will be perceived by others, leading to feelings of guilt or regret should things not go as planned.

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The Influence of Personal Values

Reflecting on individual values can provide deeper insight into the decision-making process. Those who prioritize universalism may feel a stronger urge to assist others in need, stemming from a belief that everyone deserves equal consideration and support, which can lead to a more compassionate outlook on life.

The user’s refusal to help might indicate a different prioritization of values, such as emphasizing fairness or personal autonomy over altruism. This highlights the complexity of human motivation, where different values can clash, leading to varied responses in similar situations. Understanding these values can illuminate the reasons behind our actions and decisions.

Recognizing these values can help individuals understand their motivations and clarify their stance toward helping others in similar situations. It allows for a more nuanced perspective, encouraging empathy and self-reflection in our interactions with others.

This is a lot like a teen refusing pink bedding in a purple room and buying her own.

Comment from u/WomanInQuestion

Comment from u/swillshop

The maid also criticized how OP and her sister decorated their rooms, and even announced she’d stop washing their underwear, which is where OP’s patience runs out.

In light of the user's refusal, it’s essential to consider the principle of fairness in this context.

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To enhance interpersonal decision-making, individuals can adopt practical strategies to navigate similar situations effectively.

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Comment from u/TheLawLord

Now that the father is packing to move abroad, he’s expecting OP to cover for the same maid he tolerated, and that’s what makes the whole thing feel unfair.

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

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Comment from u/MollyOMalley99

The user's choice not to assist their father's former maid illuminates the intricate interplay of personal values and social expectations. The father's request for help after a decade of service presents a moral dilemma that taps into the user's sense of empathy and responsibility. However, the decision to refrain from offering assistance suggests a disconnection between familial duty and individual priorities, raising questions about the role of personal experiences in shaping one's actions.

By choosing not to help, the user may be reflecting a deeper conflict between their own beliefs and societal norms regarding obligation and support. This situation serves as a poignant reminder of how personal motivations can diverge from what is traditionally expected, influencing choices in both family and broader social contexts. Striking a balance between self-interest and the desire to foster compassion is crucial for personal integrity and building a supportive community where individuals feel empowered to aid one another during challenging times.

He might be happier in a different apartment, but nobody wants to hire the person who left the drawers full of bugs.

If you think helping your dad is complicated, read about calling out your parents for lack of discipline.