Should I Help My Fathers Former Maid Find a New Job?
AITA for refusing to assist my father's former maid in finding a new job, despite his plea for help and accusations of cruelty?
In a recent Reddit post, a user sought advice on a sensitive family matter. The user's father, who is moving abroad soon, requested help finding a new employer for his former maid, who had worked for him for a decade.
Despite the father's plea, the user chose not to assist for two main reasons. Firstly, the user felt they did not require a maid as their current living situation did not necessitate one.
Secondly, the user expressed concerns about the maid's job performance, citing instances of subpar work quality. The user's decision sparked a debate, with some commenters supporting their choice, emphasizing that recommending someone for a job should be based on merit.
Others suggested alternative ways to handle the situation diplomatically, such as providing a neutral response or directing the maid to a job agency. The discussion also touched upon the nature of the maid's employment, with opinions varying on whether the user bore any responsibility in assisting her in finding new work.
Ultimately, the thread delves into the complexities of familial obligations, professional integrity, and personal boundaries, prompting diverse perspectives on the user's dilemma.
Original Post
My father is moving abroad in about a month. I moved out of his place years ago and have been busy lately, so I haven’t been able to help him pack or anything.
Every now and then, he’ll ask me to help “in small ways.” Whenever I can, I do. Recently, he asked me to either employ his former maid or recommend her services to someone I know.
She’s an older woman who worked at my father’s apartment for 10 years and has grandchildren, so he wants to help her find someone else to work for. He didn’t get any luck, which is why he came to me.
I’ve chosen not to do either of the things my father asked for two reasons. The first is that I don’t need a maid.
My husband and I live in a much smaller apartment, which we don’t have too much trouble keeping clean. We have a toddler, so we’re not really focusing on tidiness right now, but a maid still feels like a luxury, rather than a need.
Secondly, I never thought my father’s maid was good at her job. Back when I lived with my father, most of the place itself always looked clean, but it almost never really was.
She’d never wash the cutlery or dishes properly, and I’d find bugs in the drawers due to the leftover food. She neglected a lot of the laundry, and some of our clothing would go missing due to that.
She’d throw food away without asking, rearrange things she’d been told not to and criticize the way me and my younger sister would decorate our rooms. She also declared one day she’d stop washing my and my sister’s underwear because one of us had “bled on it” (understandable, but neither of us were on our periods the week she told us that).
None of that ever really bothered my father because the apartment always looked tidy, he hardly ever cooked and he wouldn’t realize his clothes were missing until he found them (plus she was always a bit more careful with his things). I noticed it very early on, but since I wasn’t the one paying her, I didn’t interfere.
According to my sister, those conditions continued after I moved out. I’m not saying she was awful, but I wouldn’t recommend someone for a job if I didn’t think they were great at it.
Most importantly, I wouldn’t tell my friends to hire her. I told my father I couldn’t recommend her to anyone because of all of the above. He said I was being petty and cruel, and that since she helped our family for 10 years, this is the least I can do to pay her back.
My husband’s on my side, but I do understand how this could be seen as cruel. My father is still upset.
AITA?
Understanding the Psychology of Help-Giving
Research shows that the decision to help others is influenced by various factors, including empathy, moral identity, and perceived responsibility (Eisenberg & Miller, 1987). In this situation, the user may not feel a strong sense of empathy or responsibility towards the maid, which could explain their reluctance to assist. Eisenberg & Miller (1987)
Comment from u/RoyallyOakie
Comment from u/tidymaze
Comment from u/WTF-howdid-i-gethere
It's also important to consider the role of social norms in this scenario. Social norms dictate that individuals should help those who are in need if they have the capacity to do so (Cialdini, Kallgren, & Reno, 1991). However, the user may not perceive the maid's job situation as an urgent need, or they may not believe they have the ability to help. Cialdini, Kallgren, & Reno (1991)
Comment from u/DesperateinDunharrow
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Examining the Impact of Past Experience
Previous experiences also play a crucial role in our decision-making process (Tversky & Kahneman, 1974). The user's concerns about the maid's job performance might have led to negative experiences in the past, influencing their decision not to help. Tversky & Kahneman (1974)
Comment from u/Dangerous_End9472
Comment from u/arcsine1
Comment from u/WomanInQuestion
Sometimes, it's not just about empathy or moral obligation, but also about the potential repercussions of our actions. The user might be worried about what could happen if they recommend the maid and things don't work out. This fear of negative outcomes is a common psychological phenomenon, known as loss aversion (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979). Kahneman & Tversky (1979)
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The Influence of Personal Values
Individual values can greatly impact our decisions to help others. Schwartz's (1992) theory of basic human values suggests that those who prioritize universalism and benevolence are more likely to engage in prosocial behavior. If the user doesn't hold these values strongly, they may be less inclined to help. Schwartz (1992)
Comment from u/BoysenberryJellyfish
Comment from u/TheLawLord
Comment from u/lilygreenfire
The user's refusal to help could also reflect a principle of fairness or justice. They may believe that it's not their responsibility to find the maid a new job, or that doing so would be an unfair burden. This aligns with the justice motive theory, which posits that individuals strive for fairness in their social relationships (Lerner, 2003). Lerner (2003)
Comment from u/briomio
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The Role of Social Responsibility
Finally, the user's decision might also be influenced by their perception of social responsibility. According to Social Role Theory, our behavior is shaped by the social roles we adopt (Eagly, 1987). If the user does not see themselves in a position to help the maid, they may feel less obligated to do so. Eagly (1987)
Comment from u/MollyOMalley99
Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.
Analysis & Alternative Approaches
In conclusion, the user's decision not to help their father's former maid can be understood through various psychological lenses. Factors like empathy, perceived responsibility, past experiences, values, and social norms all come into play. While it's easy to judge the user as unkind or selfish, it's important to remember that human behavior is complex and often influenced by a multitude of psychological factors. Eisenberg & Miller (1987), Cialdini, Kallgren, & Reno (1991), Tversky & Kahneman (1974), Kahneman & Tversky (1979), Schwartz (1992), Lerner (2003), Eagly (1987)
Expert Opinion
The user's reluctance to help their father's former maid could be due to a lack of perceived responsibility and empathy, combined with past negative experiences regarding the maid's performance. Their decision could also be influenced by fear of possible repercussions, personal values, and a sense of fairness. Ultimately, it seems they don't view themselves in a social role where assisting the maid is their obligation.
