Should I Let My Obese Mom Watch My Baby - AITA For Saying No

Some families treat “help” like it’s automatically owed, and this one got ugly fast. A 33-year-old woman is pregnant with her first baby, and her mom is already acting like she’s the backup plan, the daycare, and the solution all rolled into one.

Here’s the complication: the couple lives in a major city where they walk and take the subway, their apartment is a walk-up with stairs to the top floor, and the mom in question is morbidly obese. She can’t handle two city blocks without sitting, struggles with stairs, and even needs help just carrying things. Despite that, she keeps insisting she should watch the baby full-time instead of using the daycare they already enrolled in.

It ends with OP drawing a hard line, and her mom not taking it well.

Original Post

For backstory, I (33F) am pregnant with my first child. My husband (34M) and I live in a major city where most people don’t have cars or drive.

We walk basically everywhere (or take the subway). My mom, whom I love, (60F) is morbidly obese.

She’s always been "bigger," but in the past 10 years, she has gotten close to 400 lbs. She can’t walk 2 city blocks without sitting, can’t do any stairs, and can’t really fly unless she buys two seats.

She complains of pain whenever she has to carry things. We (my sisters and I) have encouraged her to go to a doctor.

The doctors and specialists all said her hormones are fine; it’s overeating, and she needs to lose weight for health reasons. My mom sneaks snacks and doesn’t eat healthily.

My husband and I live in a walk-up. I’m due in June, and my mom asked if she could come up and help with the baby for the first few weeks.

I said, of course, all help is always appreciated. Then she said that she would like my husband and me to have her as childcare for a few months instead of using daycare (which we are already enrolled in).

We told her we already have a daycare but appreciate the offer, and she can come visit anytime. My MIL is coming for a few weeks after my mom, and we told my mom she can come right after that again if she wants, and we can book her flight for her.

She kept insisting, saying she would be better than a "random childcare person." We told her babies are a ton of work and she can come visit, but we don’t expect her to watch the baby full-time. She told us we were making a major mistake by not taking her up on daycare.

She kept pushing it and said we’d regret not taking her up on her offer, and I finally told her I don’t want her watching the baby because of her weight—if there is an emergency, she can’t take the baby on a walk or even get the stroller out of the house. Our nursery is on the top floor, so I don’t think she could even get our baby up and down the stairs.

She started crying and said I hate her because she’s fat. I told her that’s not true, but I have to think about how she could help the baby in an emergency, and that’s my first concern.

I love my mom, but I don’t think she physically could handle taking our baby out or up stairs. Now she’s not speaking to me and told my sister I "am embarrassed of her." She also said I prefer my MIL because she’s thin (something I have never brought up, and we aren’t using my MIL as daycare).

I don’t think I was mean and wasn’t going to mention her weight until she pushed it, but now I think I’m the a*****e because my family is divided. So Reddit, AITA?

The dilemma faced by the soon-to-be mom in the Reddit post highlights the intricate balance between familial bonds and health concerns. The article reveals her deep-seated worries about her mother’s morbid obesity and how it might impact her ability to care for the baby safely.

This situation underscores a broader trend where parental anxiety regarding health issues plays a critical role in childcare decisions. As families navigate these emotional waters, it becomes evident that choices surrounding the care of vulnerable family members are seldom straightforward.

The post serves as a poignant reminder of the emotional toll that such considerations can take on family dynamics.

Comment from u/AppearanceOk5806

Comment from u/bokatan778

OP said yes to her mom coming for the first few weeks, then immediately regretted agreeing to anything when the mom tried to swap “visiting” for full-time childcare.

The decision to refuse childcare based on the mother's obesity highlights the intersection of health concerns and emotional attachment.

Feelings of guilt can arise from prioritizing a child's safety over familial bonds, creating internal conflict.

Addressing these feelings directly can help alleviate guilt and foster healthier family dynamics.

Comment from u/Tricky_Tax4933

Comment from u/Delicious-Might1770

Family dynamics can often complicate decisions surrounding childcare, particularly when health issues are involved.

Comment from u/Ok_Tonight_3703

Comment from u/NovelTeach

After OP pointed out daycare is already booked and her mom can come visit anytime, her mom doubled down and claimed she’d be “better than a random childcare person.”

Furthermore, exploring feelings of shame or stigma surrounding obesity can be beneficial in these discussions.

Comment from u/Ace_In_The_Whole1776

Comment from u/Usrname52

Having explicit conversations about expectations and concerns can avoid misunderstandings.

Creating a foundation of mutual respect can enhance family interactions and promote a supportive atmosphere.

It’s also like when family pressure pushed OP to pay for her brother’s luxury vacation.

Comment from u/Sea_Kangaroo826

Comment from u/napsrule321

The argument escalated when OP finally explained that if there’s an emergency, her mom can’t reliably get the stroller out or even handle the stairs to the nursery on the top floor.

Additionally, seeking family therapy can provide a structured environment to explore these dynamics.

Families who engage in therapeutic settings report improved communication and emotional bonding.

Therapists can guide families through difficult conversations, leading to healthier outcomes.

Comment from u/One_Raise1521

Comment from u/AsparagusOverall8454

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

Comment from u/MystickPisa

Comment from u/Jdawn82

Comment from u/aloneintheupwoods

Comment from u/WhereWeretheAdults

Comment from u/JohnRedcornMassage

Comment from u/Clear_Peach7479

Comment from u/Available_Macaroon38

Comment from u/MaeSilver909

Right after OP set that boundary, her mom started crying, and the whole thing went off the rails in the most dramatic way possible.

The situation presented in the Reddit post highlights the intricate balance between familial love and the responsibility that comes with parenting. The soon-to-be mom’s concerns about her mother’s morbid obesity are not merely superficial; they reflect a deep-seated anxiety about safety and well-being. It is crucial for families to engage in honest conversations about health and its implications on caregiving.

Establishing boundaries based on physical capabilities can serve as a protective measure, ensuring that the welfare of the child remains paramount. However, this must be approached with sensitivity, as the potential for hurt feelings looms large. By fostering a dialogue that is both respectful and candid, families can navigate these treacherous waters.

In cases like this, where emotional ties intersect with health issues, professional guidance could provide invaluable support. It can help families understand the nuances of their situations and ultimately strengthen their relationships through better understanding and communication.

Nobody wins when “I’ll help” turns into “you’ll regret it if you don’t let me.”

For more relationship fallout, read about skipping her best friend’s engagement party after she ignored her birthday.