Should I Refuse to Loan Money to My Father in Need After He Turned Me Down Before?

A 30-year-old woman refused to loan money to her father after he turned her down in college, and now her family is acting like the past should just disappear. It started when her car broke down in a different city, and she called him for help. He refused, told her to handle it on her own, and even complained he didn’t want to “spoil” her.

Fast forward to now, her dad is in his late 60s and facing financial trouble because of some bad investments. He’s asked her for a significant amount to get back on track, and suddenly everyone has opinions. Her partner is on her side, but her siblings think she should move on and help anyway.

And that’s where the real mess begins, because this isn’t just money, it’s the sting of being left hanging once before.

Original Post

So I'm a 30-year-old woman, working in a demanding job to make ends meet. Quick context: When I was in college, my car broke down in a different city.

I was stranded and called my dad for help. He refused, saying I should learn to handle things on my own and didn't want to 'spoil' me.

Now, my dad, who's in his late 60s, is facing financial hardship due to some poor investments. He's asked to borrow a significant amount of money to get back on track.

In light of his past actions, I feel conflicted about helping him. On one hand, he's my father and raised me, but on the other, his refusal to support me during a difficult time stings.

I've discussed this with my partner, who agrees that my dad's stance in the past was unfair. However, my siblings think I should put the past behind us and assist him.

I understand their point but can't shake off the feeling of being let down when I needed help. So, Reddit, would I be the a*****e for declining to lend money to my father given our history?

The Weight of Past Choices

This situation digs deep into the complexities of familial loyalty and past transgressions. The OP's father once turned away from her when she needed support, which creates a significant emotional barrier to his current request for assistance. It's not just a matter of finances; it’s about trust and the scars left by past actions. When a parent fails to stand by you, it makes it incredibly tough to flip the script and become the one holding out a helping hand later on.

For many readers, this dilemma resonates because it reflects a common conflict in family dynamics: how do you reconcile the notion of unconditional love with the reality of hurtful decisions? The father's current predicament might elicit sympathy, but that doesn’t erase the pain of his previous rejection.

That college refusal is still sitting in her chest, especially since her dad framed it as her “learning to handle things” instead of just helping.

Comment from u/TheRealDuck

NTA. What goes around, comes around. If he refused to help you, he shouldn't expect you to bail him out now.

Comment from u/EternalVoyage

YTA. Family should always come first, regardless of past disagreements. Helping your father in his time of need is the right thing to do.

Comment from u/CoffeeMug99

ESH. Your dad should have helped you, but holding onto that resentment doesn't lead to anything positive. Forgiveness and compassion go a long way.

Comment from u/jellybean_obsession

NTA. He made his bed, now he can lie in it. You're not obligated to help someone who didn't extend the same courtesy to you.

Now he’s asking for a big bailout, and the same man who wouldn’t help her stranded car situation wants her to cover his investment mistakes.

Comment from u/MoonlightDreamer

NTA. It's a tough situation, but your feelings are valid. You have the right to set boundaries, especially when it comes to financial matters.

This is similar to the woman torn about stopping loans to her financially struggling dad after constant requests.

Comment from u/PineappleJunkie11

YTA. Two wrongs don't make a right. Despite past events, showing compassion and support to family members is crucial. Think about the impact on your relationship.

Comment from u/ChocolateChipCookie

NTA. Your dad's refusal to help you when you needed it leaves a lasting impact. It's understandable that you're hesitant to offer financial assistance now.

Her partner agrees it was unfair, while her siblings keep pushing the “put the past behind us” line like it’s a magic eraser.

Comment from u/AdventureSeeker88

ESH. While your dad's past actions were hurtful, holding onto that resentment might not serve you well in the long run. Forgiveness is key to moving forward.

Comment from u/SunnySideUp

YTA. Family relationships are complex. It might be challenging, but helping your dad could lead to healing and reconciliation.

Comment from u/ThePepperoniPizza

NTA. Your decision is valid, given the history. Your father's refusal to support you creates a difficult situation. It's okay to prioritize your emotional well-being.

The conflict boils over because she can feel sympathy for his hardship, but she can’t ignore how he treated her when she needed him most.

What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.

Community Reactions Reveal a Divide

The Reddit community's response to this post highlights the divide between those advocating for familial support and those emphasizing self-preservation. Some commenters likely argue that family should always come first, encouraging the OP to lend a hand regardless of past grievances, while others may urge her to prioritize her own emotional well-being. This split underscores how deeply personal experiences shape perspectives on what loyalty really means.

Comments about the type of relationship the OP had with her father before his request also spark further debate. Should love and obligation outweigh past hurts? Or does a history of rejection nullify the responsibility to help? These questions are what make this conflict not just a personal struggle but a broader commentary on family dynamics that many can relate to.

This story is a poignant reminder of how complicated family relationships can get, especially when past actions come back to haunt us in the form of requests for help. The OP's struggle embodies a moral grey area that leaves us wondering: how do we balance our own needs with the expectations of family? What would you do in her shoes? Would you lend support to a parent who once turned their back on you, or would you hold firm to your boundaries?

The woman's dilemma reflects the complexities of familial loyalty and the weight of past grievances.

He can’t demand a second chance after he already cashed in on the first one.

Before you decide, read whether this woman should refuse her dad’s loan request after his earlier rejection.