Should I Stop Paying My Ex-Girlfriend After Breakup? WIBTAH?

Some people don’t recognize a favor, they just treat it like a subscription. In this Reddit post, OP has been paying his ex-girlfriend 56% of his salary for two years to run the entire household, groceries included, while they were together.

Then she gets a job, says she doesn’t want to do all the housework anymore, and OP agrees to stop the “salary” but still pays for two more months. The plot thickens even more because OP lives four hours away, they only see each other about five days a month, and after he returns from a weekend trip, she breaks up with him and asks to stay rent-free at his apartment for three months.

Now OP is staring at a new problem: he already offered her housing, but he never finalized whether the money deal stops cleanly or if he’s about to get stuck funding her life after the breakup.

Original Post

Context: Three-year relationship. For the last two years or so, I have been paying her 56% of my salary for her to do groceries, cook, clean the house, do the laundry, and wash the dishes.

She got a job about two weeks ago and told me she didn’t want to do all the housework anymore. I said it was fine but that I wouldn’t pay her a salary anymore.

I said I wouldn’t make her pay any bills, but that I just wouldn’t pay her any more money since she was no longer “working” for me. She said it was okay, and I even agreed to pay her for two more months nonetheless.

As a side note, I’ve been living four hours away from our apartment for the last three months and will continue to do so for the next three months. During this time, we’ve been seeing each other, on average, five days a month.

So this weekend, I drove home, and just a few hours ago, before driving back to my current residence, she broke up with me. I agreed to let her stay at my apartment (it is my parents’ property; we pay no rent) for the next three months while she looks for a place to live.

But now that I think of it, we didn’t discuss the matter of the salary I’ve been paying her. I could really use the money I’ve been paying her, but I wonder if it would be too inconsiderate of me to flat out stop paying her and not wait for her to move out beforehand.

** Edit ** Thank you all for your insights. As of now, I have let her know I will not be sending her any more money, but I haven’t changed the time period she is allowed to stay rent-free.

I see now that most of you think I am crazy and a s**p, but honestly, I kind of see her as a dependent of mine even though she has broken up with me. I am genuinely worried that she might not be able to make it on her own since she has never been independent, and it feels like she has taken a rash decision guided by feelings instead of being well thought out.

Believe me, she has no money saved; she has nothing but debt, and I sincerely hope she is able to pull through. I have absolutely no intentions of having her back or of changing her mind in any way.

I just kind of see her as a parent whose child is trying to be independent without the right toolset. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted, and thank you all.

*** Edit #2 for clarification *** It seems I didn’t word this correctly. She was my girlfriend for the last three years, and we had been living together all that time up until three months ago when I was relocated temporarily for a set lapse of six months total.

We were engaged and had an otherwise normal and loving relationship. We slept together daily, had quality time together whenever I was off work, and had sex frequently.

Also, for context, I am a 31-year-old male, and she is a 27-year-old female.

*** Edit #3 *** Breakup reason: She stated that I am an emotionally unavailable person and that she feels she cannot rely on me for emotional support. Before I could even offer a way to work it out, she said that, in fact, me being a lot more logical, down-to-earth, and solution-oriented than her was something she liked.

Then she offered an open relationship, which felt to be out of the blue.

I said I wouldn’t take an open relationship and that we should break up instead. To be honest, her offering an open relationship to me really broke my heart. More so because she had always been the jealous and possessive type, it seemed very out of character for her to offer an open relationship.

Exploring Financial Responsibilities After a Breakup

Financial responsibilities often become contentious after a breakup.

In this case, the OP's dilemma about continuing to pay his ex-girlfriend may reflect deeper issues of guilt and obligation.

Research indicates that emotional ties often complicate financial decisions post-relationship.

Comment from u/TTIsurvivors

Comment from u/Shrimps_Prawnson

He was already doing the math on 56% of his salary, then she changed the rules the second she started working and wanted less housework.

Studies show that individuals frequently struggle with feelings of loyalty and obligation toward former partners, especially when financial support is involved.

In this scenario, the OP's concerns may stem from a desire to maintain an emotional connection, which can lead to confusion about boundaries.

Understanding these dynamics is crucial for making informed decisions about financial support.

Comment from u/LanaTeaseMe

Comment from u/Willowshep

In this case, the OP may benefit from reflecting on how his financial support impacts both his and his ex's emotional well-being.

Establishing boundaries can help both parties navigate their new realities post-breakup.

Comment from u/loaluh

Comment from u/cthulularoo

OP said he would pay for two more months anyway, which sounds generous until the breakup happens right after he drives home.

Engaging in open discussions about expectations can help mitigate feelings of resentment or guilt.

Additionally, exploring individual counseling can help both parties process their emotions surrounding the breakup.

Comment from u/marcaygol

Comment from u/Poperama74

Addressing Emotional Needs After a Relationship Ends

Emotional needs often remain after a breakup, complicating financial decisions.

This is similar to a brother asking for more business money after unpaid debt.

Comment from u/Beginning-Raccoon-50

Comment from u/Konezz

The part that really messes with his head is that she can stay in his parents’ rent-free apartment for three months, but they never agreed on whether the “salary” would continue.

It's also essential for both parties to prioritize their emotional well-being by setting boundaries around financial interactions.

Understanding when financial support becomes a source of emotional conflict can empower individuals to make healthier choices.

Ultimately, focusing on personal growth can lead to more fulfilling futures.

Comment from u/Otherwise-Valuable-6

Comment from u/Akira_is_coming7777

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

Comment from u/ERVetSurgeon

Comment from u/Lordbazingtion

Comment from u/Quiet-Hamster6509

Comment from u/Hungry-Afternoon7987

Comment from u/rangebob

Comment from u/CoolHandLuke-1

Comment from u/AngryPanda_79

Once OP realizes she has no savings and only debt, the money question turns from “WIBTAH?” into “what if she can’t make it?”

In the wake of a breakup, the question of financial support can become a tangled web of emotions and responsibilities. The Reddit user’s situation highlights the challenges of disentangling finances while still grappling with feelings for an ex. Paying 56% of one’s salary to an ex-partner not only raises questions about fairness but also about the emotional implications of such support. Establishing boundaries can help both parties move on without the weight of unresolved issues. The user must consider whether continuing to provide financial assistance serves them or their ex in the long run.

By focusing on emotional well-being and setting firm boundaries, individuals can pave the way for healthier, more independent futures, free from the complications that lingering financial ties can bring.

Nobody wants to feel like they’re paying an ex to move out of the relationship but not out of the apartment.

For more boundary drama, see what happened when a friend tried to stay rent-free.