Should We Let Anyone Move In With Us? AITA For Setting Boundaries?

Some people treat a spare bedroom like it comes with an automatic “yes” button. In this Reddit story, OP and her husband have a gorgeous 4,200 sq. ft. home, the kind of place they built their peace in, and they’ve been getting pressured to turn it into a revolving door.

Years ago, they let a friend move in during a divorce. It was supposed to be weeks, then turned into six months, because the friend was an alcoholic and the whole situation blew up. After that, OP and her husband made a pact: nobody stays longer than a visit, like Christmas week.

Now the same request keeps coming, and OP is stuck wondering if her boundaries make her the asshole.

Original Post

Background: we have a beautiful 4,200 sq. ft. home in a lovely neighborhood. We have no children, and it’s our happy place.

Several years ago, we allowed a friend to live with us as she was going through a divorce and moving back to her home state. It ended up being a disaster.

She was an alcoholic, and what was supposed to be a few weeks ended up being six months before we kicked her out. My husband and I made a pact that no one would be able to stay longer than a visit, like Christmas week, etc.

Since then, we’ve had the following:

• My dad's ex-wife wanted to move in as she was having financial issues; we said NO.
• My uncle wanted us to take in my cousin and her four children because she was experiencing homelessness due to her drug problem, and he wanted them to be in a stable environment. (So, it’s okay to make our environment unstable???) We said NO.
• Now, another friend keeps bringing up moving in with us because we have all this room. Again, we said NO.

We are getting very tired of people continuing to ask to move in just because we have the room! Are we being assholes?

Setting Healthy Boundaries

In relationships, setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of maintaining personal well-being and ensuring mutual respect.

Comment from u/Competitive-Maize996

Comment from u/lotusblossom60

After the friend’s “few weeks” turned into six months of alcoholism and chaos, OP and her husband swore off long-term roommates forever.

It's important to recognize the psychological implications of accommodating others at the expense of one’s own comfort. The concept of 'people-pleasing' often stems from a desire for social acceptance, but it can lead to burnout and resentment. Behavioral research indicates that overcommitting to others can create a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction, ultimately harming the relationship.

To mitigate these feelings, couples should engage in open dialogues about their needs and limitations. Establishing a mutual understanding of each partner's comfort levels can lead to a more harmonious living environment.

Comment from u/gurlwithdragontat2

Comment from u/sarahmegatron

Social expectations often play a significant role in how we perceive requests from friends and family.

Comment from u/Individual_Ad_9213

Comment from u/Adorable_Click9074

Then OP’s dad’s ex-wife asked to move in for financial reasons, and OP said no, even though everyone seemed to think the room should override the rules.

Couples might benefit from drafting a 'household agreement,' detailing expectations around guests and living conditions.

Comment from u/pixyfire

Comment from u/MadreBella

At the core of successful relationships is the principle of mutual respect.

This is also like the AITA couple debating uneven family expense splits to cover a partner’s surgery costs.

Comment from u/CeeUNTy

Comment from u/BlondDee1970

Next came OP’s uncle pushing for OP and her husband to take in OP’s cousin and her four children because homelessness was “temporary,” but the instability argument still landed wrong.

Comment from u/Beyarboo

Absolutely NTA. We had my mother, father (they are not together), sister, and toddler niece stay with us during COVID as we have lots of room and they had health issues. I had to work anyway, so it was easier for me to do all the groceries, etc. I have never been closer to divorce.Then my best friend of 35 years stayed with us when her mom, who she was living with, went into a retirement condo. She was awful. She rearranged our kitchen the way she wanted and made it not functional for us; she was always giving us unsolicited life advice when we are both professionals and she hasn't worked in years and has a lot of issues, etc.We no longer talk now that she is out. My husband and I agreed we will NEVER have anyone stay with us for more than a quick visit again. It is absolutely not worth it and usually is not appreciated.

Comment from u/KGC90

Comment from u/Maximum_Yard_8485

Comment from u/Ok-disaster2022

NTA. No overnight guest should be welcomed without a firm fixed leave date. It's etiquette 101. And don't get me wrong. I'm only loving today because I had friends and family put up with me for a couple of years while looking for a job. But I don't drink or do drugs, and was always grateful and tried to help as much as I could.

Comment from u/executive1258

Now another friend keeps bringing up moving in with them because they have “all this room,” and OP is finally fed up with the repeated boundary-busting.</p>

In the context of the article, the necessity of setting boundaries in living arrangements becomes evident.

Comment from u/Correct_Opening_1899

NTA. For the first 12 years of our relationship, my husband's family lived with us at various points. Our home was not our home. When we were finally able to buy a house, I said absolutely none of his family could live with us. I made one exception, and that was for his brother after he was in a major accident.That ended up being another nightmare. I ended up being his caretaker since he was not mostly independent like we were told. It got so bad I nearly left my husband. We have been approached several times since he moved out, and I will 100% never allow anyone else to ever live with us again. Your home is your sanctuary. You should always feel comfortable in it.

Comment from u/CutePandaMiranda

NTA. Always know you’re allowed to tell people no. It’s YOUR home. My husband and I never have and never will let anyone, no matter how desperate, live with us. We’ve had cousins beg us to let them live in our home temporarily. We always tell them no. Some family members called us selfish and unfair. Do we care? Nope! It’s our place, and only select people can visit (weekends, holidays, etc.).

Comment from u/Racou

NTA. It's really delicate to have someone in your space, and once you have a bad experience, it's understandable to not want to do it again. As someone who was taken in by incredibly generous friends in a time of need, I would hope that you might be open to an exception if it was someone you really trusted. But it needs to be someone you really trust. Your home is your sanctuary.

Comment from u/Anti-Toxin-666

NTA. Definitely NTA. We are in a similar situation, with the size of the house, etc. I had a family member come up with a “brilliant” (completely idiotic) idea of selling their house and buying an RV instead. They first asked if they could store their stuff at our house. I said no. Then they asked if they could park their RV in our driveway. I said no. Good god.

Comment from u/Deep-Okra1461

NTA. Think of your home as being a leech detector. Everyone who does more than ask once if you would let them live there for a short time and won't accept no for an answer is a leech. They want to attach themselves to you. In the event that you allow someone to live there again, just set the rules before they move in. Set a time limit for how long they can stay." Then enforce the rules and time limit. They break a rule? Kick them out. The time limit is up? Kick them out.

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

OP might not be refusing help, she’s refusing a repeat of the disaster that already happened once.

For more wedding-plan fallout, read about the AITA bride who postponed her wedding after an unexpected pregnancy.