Should We Let Anyone Move In With Us? AITA For Setting Boundaries?

Are you the jerk for not wanting anyone to live with you? Picture this: you have a spacious 4,200 sq. ft. home, no kids, just you and your partner in your peaceful sanctuary.

Sounds like the dream, right? But when you've opened your doors to help someone in the past, it turned into a nightmare.

You made a pact that no one would overstay their welcome, just short visits like during Christmas. Yet, family and friends keep pushing to move in.

From your dad's ex-wife to your uncle wanting you to take in your cousin and her four kids, the requests keep coming. But should your peaceful abode be a revolving door for others' problems?

The Reddit community weighed in, with many sharing similar frustrating experiences. Some shared horror stories of guests overstaying their welcome, rearranging kitchens, and even throwing parties without permission.

Others emphasized the importance of setting boundaries and protecting your sanctuary. So, are you the jerk for wanting to keep your home a stress-free zone?

The consensus seems to be a resounding "NTA" (Not The A**hole). Your home, your rules.

It's not selfish to prioritize your peace of mind and well-being. Keep standing your ground and saying no to unwanted houseguests.

Original Post

Background: we have a beautiful 4,200 sq. ft. home in a lovely neighborhood. We have no children, and it’s our happy place.

Several years ago, we allowed a friend to live with us as she was going through a divorce and moving back to her home state. It ended up being a disaster.

She was an alcoholic, and what was supposed to be a few weeks ended up being six months before we kicked her out. My husband and I made a pact that no one would be able to stay longer than a visit, like Christmas week, etc.

Since then, we’ve had the following:

• My dad's ex-wife wanted to move in as she was having financial issues; we said NO.
• My uncle wanted us to take in my cousin and her four children because she was experiencing homelessness due to her drug problem, and he wanted them to be in a stable environment. (So, it’s okay to make our environment unstable???) We said NO.
• Now, another friend keeps bringing up moving in with us because we have all this room. Again, we said NO.

We are getting very tired of people continuing to ask to move in just because we have the room! Are we being assholes?

Setting Healthy Boundaries

In relationships, setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of maintaining personal well-being and ensuring mutual respect. According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, healthy boundaries facilitate better communication and can significantly enhance the quality of interpersonal relationships. When individuals fail to establish boundaries, they often experience increased stress and resentment, which can lead to conflict.

Moreover, boundary-setting is essential for couples living together, as it helps define personal space and responsibilities. Psychology emphasizes that clear expectations can prevent misunderstandings, making it easier to navigate shared living situations without compromising individual needs.

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It's important to recognize the psychological implications of accommodating others at the expense of one’s own comfort. The concept of 'people-pleasing' often stems from a desire for social acceptance, but it can lead to burnout and resentment. Behavioral research indicates that overcommitting to others can create a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction, ultimately harming the relationship.

To mitigate these feelings, couples should engage in open dialogues about their needs and limitations. Establishing a mutual understanding of each partner's comfort levels can lead to a more harmonious living environment.

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Navigating Social Expectations

Social expectations often play a significant role in how we perceive requests from friends and family. Psychological studies reveal that social norms can create pressure to conform, even when it contradicts personal values or comfort. This phenomenon can lead to feelings of obligation, where individuals feel they must comply with requests to maintain social harmony.

Understanding this dynamic is crucial; it allows individuals to differentiate between genuine desires to help others and the pressure to conform. By recognizing these influences, couples can better navigate requests for living arrangements without compromising their needs.

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Practical approaches to setting boundaries can include creating a clear framework for discussing living arrangements. Couples might benefit from drafting a 'household agreement,' detailing expectations around guests and living conditions. This approach can foster accountability and minimize misunderstandings.

In addition, practicing assertive communication can empower individuals to express their needs without guilt. Assertiveness training, often highlighted in psychological literature, can provide tools for expressing boundaries respectfully and effectively.

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The Importance of Mutual Respect

At the core of successful relationships is the principle of mutual respect. Research in interpersonal psychology emphasizes that respect fosters trust and intimacy, which are vital for healthy partnerships. When boundaries are respected, it signals to each partner that their needs and values are valid, promoting a sense of safety in the relationship.

Moreover, respecting boundaries can enhance emotional intimacy. When couples feel secure in expressing their needs without fear of judgment, they are more likely to engage in deeper conversations, ultimately strengthening their bond.

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Absolutely NTA. We had my mother, father (they are not together), sister, and toddler niece stay with us during COVID as we have lots of room and they had health issues. I had to work anyway, so it was easier for me to do all the groceries, etc. I have never been closer to divorce.Then my best friend of 35 years stayed with us when her mom, who she was living with, went into a retirement condo. She was awful. She rearranged our kitchen the way she wanted and made it not functional for us; she was always giving us unsolicited life advice when we are both professionals and she hasn't worked in years and has a lot of issues, etc.We no longer talk now that she is out. My husband and I agreed we will NEVER have anyone stay with us for more than a quick visit again. It is absolutely not worth it and usually is not appreciated.

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NTA. No overnight guest should be welcomed without a firm fixed leave date. It's etiquette 101. And don't get me wrong. I'm only loving today because I had friends and family put up with me for a couple of years while looking for a job. But I don't drink or do drugs, and was always grateful and tried to help as much as I could.

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Psychological Analysis

This situation illustrates a common challenge couples face when balancing personal comfort with social expectations. It's crucial to understand that setting boundaries is not selfish; rather, it's an essential part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Open communication about these boundaries can prevent misunderstandings and enhance mutual respect.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Setting boundaries in relationships is not just a personal choice; it's a psychological necessity for maintaining healthy dynamics. By understanding the importance of mutual respect and clear communication, couples can navigate living arrangements in a way that honors both individual needs and shared responsibilities. Ultimately, establishing boundaries can lead to stronger, more satisfying relationships.

Comment from u/Correct_Opening_1899

NTA. For the first 12 years of our relationship, my husband's family lived with us at various points. Our home was not our home. When we were finally able to buy a house, I said absolutely none of his family could live with us. I made one exception, and that was for his brother after he was in a major accident.That ended up being another nightmare. I ended up being his caretaker since he was not mostly independent like we were told. It got so bad I nearly left my husband. We have been approached several times since he moved out, and I will 100% never allow anyone else to ever live with us again. Your home is your sanctuary. You should always feel comfortable in it.

Comment from u/CutePandaMiranda

NTA. Always know you’re allowed to tell people no. It’s YOUR home. My husband and I never have and never will let anyone, no matter how desperate, live with us. We’ve had cousins beg us to let them live in our home temporarily. We always tell them no. Some family members called us selfish and unfair. Do we care? Nope! It’s our place, and only select people can visit (weekends, holidays, etc.).

Comment from u/Racou

NTA. It's really delicate to have someone in your space, and once you have a bad experience, it's understandable to not want to do it again. As someone who was taken in by incredibly generous friends in a time of need, I would hope that you might be open to an exception if it was someone you really trusted. But it needs to be someone you really trust. Your home is your sanctuary.

Comment from u/Anti-Toxin-666

NTA. Definitely NTA. We are in a similar situation, with the size of the house, etc. I had a family member come up with a “brilliant” (completely idiotic) idea of selling their house and buying an RV instead. They first asked if they could store their stuff at our house. I said no. Then they asked if they could park their RV in our driveway. I said no. They asked my opinion about selling the house and buying the RV, and I made it very clear I don’t support it whatsoever, and they need to have a roof over their head at all times, in the form of a house or apartment, because there is no way they are ever staying with me. Good god.

Comment from u/Deep-Okra1461

NTA. Think of your home as being a leech detector. Everyone who does more than ask once if you would let them live there for a short time and won't accept no for an answer is a leech. They want to attach themselves to you. In the event that you allow someone to live there again, just set the rules before they move in. Set a time limit for how long they can stay. Nothing vague like "Until you get on your feet"; it needs to be a clear limit like "For 30 days." Then enforce the rules and time limit. They break a rule? Kick them out. The time limit is up? Kick them out.

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.