Responsible Older Brother Writes Ultimatum to Force His Slob Brother to Grow Up After He Found Rotten Food Sitting in His Bedroom

Living with his irresponsible and slovenly younger brother has taken its toll on a 21-year-old. He and his mom had to draft an agreement to make his brother contractually obligated to keep himself and his room tidy.

OP and his brother are still students with barely any income. Their mom agreed to co-sign a lease on an apartment with OP.

His brother is an apprentice at a car dealership. What he contributes to the household goes toward paying a portion of the rent, food, and utilities.

Their main problem with him is his dedication to keeping himself and his room dirty. He has left large grease stains on all the walls of their apartment.

The 19-year-old has had to be forced several times to do his laundry and wash dishes. He also does not see any problem sleeping in a room with month-old rotten food in it.

He is also consistently late in paying his share of the bills and lies about why when questioned. OP and his mom have tried their best to make his brother see the issues with the environment he is subjecting himself and them to.

When polite and gentle conversations didn't work, they decided to write an agreement. The contract had three main provisions: A) his brother must keep his room clean, B) pay his dues on time or give notice when he can't, and C) he must agree to a weekly inspection of his room.

Rule-breaking must be rectified within 24 hours, or he would be asked to leave the apartment.

u/DentalStone

He had a week to renegotiate the contract. If they couldn't agree, he had to leave the apartment.

u/DentalStone

OP's brother refused to sign the contract even after they renegotiated some of the terms to better suit him.

u/DentalStone

The Role of Responsibility in Young Adults

Expectations for responsibility in young adults can vary widely among families. Developmental psychologists stress that emerging adulthood is a critical period for establishing independence and accountability. According to Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, a leading researcher in this area, many young adults struggle to navigate expectations from family while developing their own sense of self.

This tension can create friction, especially when family members have differing views on what constitutes 'growing up.'

OP was worried that his brother would be overwhelmed by how things work in the "real world" when he left their shared apartment.

u/DentalStone

However, they had to hold him accountable for subjecting them to a filthy environment.

u/DentalStone

A Redditor said that the weekly inspections were overboard.

Old_Inevitable8553, Wandering_aimlessly9

The concept of 'failure to launch' is often discussed in the context of young adults who struggle with independence. Research from the Journal of Youth and Adolescence indicates that parental expectations can heavily influence a young adult's development. When parents set unreasonable standards, it can lead to anxiety and avoidance behaviors in their children.

Understanding these dynamics is essential for fostering healthier family relationships.

OP said they set specific times to hold inspections during negotiations with his brother. It wasn't out of the norm where they lived.

DentalStone

He will soon realize that no one else will treat him as kindly as his brother and mother did.

Due-Paramedic8532

The "real world" will test just how grown-up OP's brother is.

pepperann007

Encouraging Growth Through Dialogue

Open communication about expectations is vital in encouraging responsibility. Family therapy techniques often emphasize the importance of discussing goals and responsibilities collaboratively. Dr. John Gottman suggests that when families engage in constructive dialogue, it can help clarify expectations and reduce conflict.

For young adults, having a supportive environment where they can express their struggles can facilitate a smoother transition into adulthood.

He needs to see for himself how easy he had it living with his mom and brother. He needs to appreciate everything they did for him.

aamnahh

Now that he is out on his own, he has no choice but to be responsible.

WriteAnotherWoods

If he stubbornly clings to his irresponsibility, his new roommates and landlord will let him know exactly where and how he messed up.

Tomboyish717

To encourage responsibility, families could set up regular family meetings to discuss expectations and responsibilities. Research shows that collaborative goal-setting can lead to increased motivation and accountability in young adults. Additionally, recognizing and celebrating small achievements can foster a sense of competence and encourage further growth.

By creating a supportive environment, families can help young adults navigate this challenging developmental phase.

He should be embarrassed that pre-teen kids can keep their rooms tidier than he can. They certainly wouldn't let spoiled food sit in their rooms to stink them up.

ilikelivinglife

OP has nothing to worry about. His brother is old enough to learn that actions have consequences.

Goda6511

OP and his mom need not worry that they were too harsh with his brother. They gave him enough chances to prove them wrong, but he made the wrong choices at every opportunity.

What they were doing was gently easing him into becoming an adult, but he didn't see it that way. His next roommates and landlords won't be as kind to him as his mom and brother were.

Psychological Analysis

This scenario reflects the challenges that often arise when young adults transition to independence. It's important for families to communicate openly about expectations and provide support to help young adults develop the skills necessary to thrive.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Understanding the psychology behind expectations and responsibility can pave the way for healthier family dynamics. According to Dr. Lawrence Cohen, child psychologist, "Open communication is essential for fostering growth and independence in young adults." By collaborating and establishing clear expectations, families can effectively support their members in navigating the journey toward adulthood. As Dr. Cohen emphasizes, "When families work together, they create an environment where young adults feel empowered to take responsibility for their lives."