Researchers Found Links Between Staying Close to Exes and Psychopathic Traits

Let’s be real—most people don’t stay best friends with their exes. Breakups usually happen for a reason, and when emotions, history, and heartbreak are involved, few people can keep things purely platonic.

Still, some manage to stay on friendly terms. Maybe they share mutual friends, work together, or genuinely care for each other without a romantic attachment. On the surface, it might seem healthy and mature.

However, according to research, there could be something a little less innocent going on when someone insists on keeping an ex close. A study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences explored why some people stay in touch with their ex-partners, and the findings were eye-opening.

Psychologists from Oakland University examined the behaviors and personalities of 861 participants, focusing on a concept known as the “dark triad.” This term refers to three personality traits that are often viewed as socially undesirable: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

Participants answered a series of questions about their romantic pasts, including whether they were still in contact with any exes. The goal was to see if there was a connection between these dark personality traits and the tendency to keep old flames around. And as it turns out, there was.

People Who Stay Friends with Their Exes Often Do It for Self-Serving Reasons, Not Emotional Maturity.

The researchers found that people who stayed close to their exes tended to score higher in traits associated with psychopathy—traits like being manipulative, self-serving, and lacking empathy. In simple terms, those who maintained tight bonds with former partners often weren’t doing it out of kindness or emotional maturity. Instead, there was usually something to gain.

Psychopathy sits within the broader spectrum of antisocial personality disorders. It often includes a combination of charm and calculation—a friendly exterior that hides more strategic motives.

This means that while someone might seem like they’re staying friends with their ex for innocent reasons, their real intentions could be far more practical or self-serving.

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The study suggests that people with stronger psychopathic traits tend to keep their exes around when there’s something in it for them—whether that’s sex, money, emotional control, or even access to information. They know how to present themselves as caring or considerate, but deep down, it’s about convenience and opportunity rather than connection.

This doesn’t mean that everyone who grabs coffee with an ex is secretly plotting something. Many people genuinely maintain respectful, friendly relationships with former partners, especially when there’s shared history or mutual respect.

However, for those with darker motives, “friendship” can become a cover—a way to hold on to the benefits of a past relationship without the emotional responsibility that comes with it.

Understanding the Dynamics

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a noted relationship expert, emphasizes that staying in contact with ex-partners can stem from unresolved feelings or a fear of loneliness. She suggests that while some maintain friendships through shared social circles, it often complicates emotional closure.

Being aware of these dynamics can lead individuals to reflect on their motivations for such relationships. Taking time for self-reflection and establishing boundaries can help foster healthier connections moving forward.

Charming Manipulators Know Exactly How to Stay in Their Ex’s Life Just Long Enough to Keep Control.

People with psychopathic tendencies are known for being charming when it suits them. They’re good at reading others, saying the right thing, and creating an illusion of closeness.

That charm can make it easy for them to stay in someone’s life, even after a breakup, because they know exactly how to keep the door open just enough to get what they want. For example, someone might pretend they just want to “stay in touch” when in reality, they’re keeping their ex around as a backup option.

Or they might offer emotional support when the ex is struggling, not because they care, but because it gives them a sense of control. These subtle manipulations can look like generosity on the surface—but often, it’s about maintaining power and access.

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The research also adds a layer of understanding to how complicated human relationships can be. Not every post-breakup friendship is toxic or manipulative, but the study shows that motives aren’t always as pure as they seem. Sometimes, what looks like maturity might actually be strategy.

So if someone insists on keeping their exes close and “still being friends with everyone,” it might be worth paying attention to why. Are they genuinely kind-hearted and emotionally intelligent, or do they just hate losing access to people they once had power over?

In the end, staying friends with an ex can mean a lot of different things—sometimes it’s about nostalgia, guilt, or simply finding closure. For others, it’s a way to keep certain possibilities alive, even if they know deep down it’s not healthy.

But as this study points out, when those ties linger for the wrong reasons, it’s not affection that comes knocking. More often, it’s manipulation disguised as kindness, waiting for the chance to slip back in.

Psychologists highlight that certain personality traits, including those associated with psychopathy, can influence interpersonal relationships. Dr. Kevin Dutton, a psychologist and author, explains that individuals with these traits often exhibit charm and charisma that can mask underlying manipulative tendencies.

He advises that awareness of these characteristics is crucial for individuals navigating post-breakup dynamics. Seeking therapy can provide tools to recognize unhealthy patterns and promote emotional well-being in future relationships.

Practical Steps for Healing

Understanding the motivations behind maintaining relationships with exes is essential for emotional health. Experts like Dr. Tara Brach suggest that mindfulness practices can help individuals process their feelings and gain clarity about their current emotional landscape.

Engaging in mindfulness allows for improved emotional regulation and can lead to healthier future relationships. By recognizing unhealthy patterns and working on personal growth, individuals can better navigate their emotional attachments and cultivate more fulfilling connections in the long run.