Struggling With Second Marriage To Widow - AITA For Ending It
Struggling with his role in a widow's family, a man questions if leaving his marriage was the right choice.
He seemed like the perfect “stepdad-in-progress.” OP (32m) dated his now-ex-wife for nearly two years, got along great with her kids, and even moved in believing the hard part was already over. Then they got married, and everything quietly flipped.
His wife (31f) was a young widow when he met her, with two kids, 12 and 13. Her late husband died suddenly about a year and a half before OP came into the picture, so the timeline was already tight. During dating and living together, the kids were open to him, but after the wedding they shut down hard, rejecting rides, homework help, and conversation, while leaning even more into their mom doing everything.
Now OP is dealing with divorce and wondering if he walked into a second marriage that was doomed from day one.
Original Post
I (32m) got married almost 3 years ago. Right now I'm going through a divorce from my wife (31f).
My wife was a very young widow with two kids when I met her. We dated for almost two years before getting engaged and we were engaged for 5 months before we got married.
My wife's kids are 12 and 13 as I'm writing this and I walked away a little over 6 months ago now. My wife's late husband died suddenly about a year and a half before we met.
So looking back I can see how fast it could all be for the kids. I can see why maybe it was too fast.
But I have known people who remarried even faster and were happy in their second marriages and the kids did fine. So I was running on the belief that this would be the same for us.
During the dating period things went well. I got along well with my wife's kids.
They accepted me being around and we were building up a solid relationship. My wife and I enjoyed our time together during that time and I felt like she was truly committed to me.
Even when we began living together it was good. Only after the wedding the kids withdrew from me.
They were no longer okay with me driving them around, they would reject my offers to help with homework or take them someplace and would instead say they wanted their mom to do it. Anytime we talked they would share less about their day with me.
If I asked them if they were okay I got a shrug or a yeah. Before the wedding they didn't mind saying the good and the bad.
They also looked at photos of their dad more and I noticed some of his stuff appearing around the living area of the house more. My wife's parents commented that the kids hadn't really looked at the photos so frequently or scattered their dad's things around the house like that since he'd been newly gone (for the first six months to be more accurate).
I never minded having the photos out or even their dad's stuff. When we started living together and moved into the house I explained they could have photos and his things around the place.
They chose to keep them in their rooms at the time. And I could be a little sensitive to what was happening.
Maybe I was just never cut out for it. But at times I felt like they were trying to mark the house as their dad's house.
One time I really felt this was when their dad's mug suddenly appeared at the spot at the table I would sit at every time. I'd been sitting there for months and suddenly his mug was there and it remained there and whenever we would eat together they would stare at me to see if I'd sit there or somewhere else.
I talked to my wife about it and she told me I did the right thing taking another seat. They also started putting photos of when their dad was alive in more prominent positions and would hide ones that included me behind them.
I asked one day if they had moved the photos and they said yeah, that they wanted the photos of their family to be seen. Going alongside this my wife was acting differently.
She made less time for us. When we were together she wasn't as affectionate and I caught her playing with her first wedding ring, which she wore around her neck, more.
She called her latte husband's family her in-laws again but didn't call my family her in-laws. Her priority was spending time with her late husband's parents and siblings and she would choose to spend time with them over mine even if the kids were not going to be joining us.
Often she would "forget" when we had plans with my family. She really made zero effort with my family and my family tried to get close to her and the kids.
Plans we had discussed before marriage were also changed. We had discussed having kids together and agreed we wanted one or two but then she said she didn't know after we were married.
She was not the same with other people. She was just as open and affectionate as before with everyone else.
She enjoyed herself. But it was like being reminded of me was a bucket of ice water over her head.
I tried to discuss it with her but she was "busy" or she'd say she had no idea she was doing it and promised to be more conscious but she wasn't. And then she started talking about her late husband more.
I would try to engage with her about him but she'd carry on without me and almost seemed to dislike me talking about him. In the end I couldn't do it.
I know there are ways to try and make it work but I didn't feel like anyone else would want to. So I told my wife I couldn't do it anymore and said I wanted a divorce.
She looked startled at first and then asked me why and we talked briefly about it before I left the house. We did go to a couple of therapy sessions together after the separation but she closed down certain topics which made me more secure in my decision.
And her kids did not miss me at all. Apparently once I was gone the kids told their aunt that the house felt like a home at last.
They didn't say it as in now that he's gone but it was implied. My wife's parents don't understand why I didn't stay and fight for us all to come together and be a family.
They said I gave up too fast and I knew what I was getting into when I married their daughter. My wife has asked for us to work it out.
But I don't see a future for us. Does all of this make me TA?
"The emotional complexities of a second marriage, especially to a widow, can be profound." She emphasizes that unresolved grief often manifests in new relationships, creating challenges for both partners.
Comment from u/WhiteKnightPrimal
Comment from u/NorinaLeona
The vibe was great during the two-year dating stretch, right up until the wedding changed how the 12 and 13-year-olds treated OP day to day.
Commonly, partners in such situations may experience what's known as 'secondary loss,' where the new spouse feels they are competing with the memory of the deceased.
Studies suggest that these feelings can lead to jealousy and resentment, even if they are rooted in insecurity rather than actual rivalry.
Therapists recommend open conversations about grief and the deceased partner to foster understanding and connection.
Comment from u/JackB041334
Comment from u/chuchofreeman
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but it becomes even more vital when one partner carries the weight of past losses.
Therapists suggest using 'I' statements to express feelings without placing blame, which can help create a safe space for both partners to share their vulnerabilities.
Comment from u/celticmusebooks
Comment from u/EbbLikeWater
After OP walked away over six months ago, the kids’ refusal to let him drive them or help with homework starts to look less like teen attitude and more like grief they never let him into.
Moreover, the concept of 'complicated grief' can often surface in such marriages, where the bereaved partner struggles to move on while still holding onto their memories.
Studies indicate that couples therapy can be beneficial in these cases, providing a structured environment to address underlying issues.
Engaging in joint activities that honor the deceased while also creating new memories can help in blending the past with the present.
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Comment from u/Beautiful_mistakes
Research on Attachment Styles
Understanding attachment styles can provide insight into how partners cope with grief within a second marriage.
Conversely, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle more, creating friction in the relationship.
Comment from u/Poinsettia917
Comment from u/chrestomancy
The late husband’s photos and his things showing up more around the house, plus the comments from the kids’ grandparents, make the timing feel extra brutal.
It's also critical to recognize the importance of self-care for both partners in this situation.
Engaging in individual therapy or support groups can provide necessary outlets for both partners, allowing for personal growth alongside relationship development.
Comment from u/SpiteWestern6739
Comment from u/writing_mm_romance
We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.
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Comment from u/Tiny_Incident_2876
Comment from u/knits2much2003
With OP already noticing the kids were pulling back since the wedding and his marriage falling apart, he has to face the question he never expected to ask.</p>
In the context of the man's decision to end his marriage to a widow with children, it becomes evident that seeking therapy could have played a crucial role in addressing the complexities of their situation. The challenges of blending families and navigating the emotional landscape of grief are significant and often require professional guidance to ensure that both partners feel supported and understood.
Instead of allowing grief to create a divide, working through these emotions together could have fostered a deeper intimacy. This process might have transformed feelings of rivalry—between the husband and the memories of his wife's late husband—into a more resilient bond, built on mutual understanding and shared experiences.
Ultimately, the ability to honor the past while building a new future is essential for any partnership, especially in cases where one partner carries the weight of profound loss. A commitment to this journey could have led to a more fulfilling relationship rather than the heart-wrenching decision to part ways.
He might not have ruined the relationship, but he’s stuck wondering if he was never meant to be there.
For more newborn-level family drama, read why this dad banned visits after nonstop criticism.
