Struggling With Second Marriage To Widow - AITA For Ending It

In a recent Reddit post, a 32-year-old man shared his experience of ending his marriage to a widow with kids, sparking a debate over whether he was in the wrong. The man detailed how he met his wife, who was a young widow with two kids, and how their relationship progressed swiftly from dating to marriage.

Initially, things seemed to go well, with the man developing a good relationship with his wife's children and feeling a strong connection with his wife. However, after tying the knot, the dynamics shifted dramatically.

The man described how his stepchildren started to withdraw from him, displaying signs of rejection and favoring their late father's memory over including him in their lives. Additionally, the man noticed a change in his wife's behavior, with her becoming less affectionate and prioritizing her late husband's family over his.

Despite attempts to address the issues through therapy and communication, the man ultimately decided to end the marriage, citing a lack of effort and emotional connection from his wife and stepchildren. Commenters on the Reddit thread offered varying perspectives, with some sympathizing with the man's decision to prioritize his well-being and happiness in a challenging situation.

Others criticized the wife for not actively working to salvage the marriage and accused her of using the man for financial security. The discussion highlighted the complexities of blended families, grief, and the importance of communication and mutual effort in relationships.

Original Post

I (32m) got married almost 3 years ago. Right now I'm going through a divorce from my wife (31f).

My wife was a very young widow with two kids when I met her. We dated for almost two years before getting engaged and we were engaged for 5 months before we got married.

My wife's kids are 12 and 13 as I'm writing this and I walked away a little over 6 months ago now. My wife's late husband died suddenly about a year and a half before we met.

So looking back I can see how fast it could all be for the kids. I can see why maybe it was too fast.

But I have known people who remarried even faster and were happy in their second marriages and the kids did fine. So I was running on the belief that this would be the same for us.

During the dating period things went well. I got along well with my wife's kids.

They accepted me being around and we were building up a solid relationship. My wife and I enjoyed our time together during that time and I felt like she was truly committed to me.

Even when we began living together it was good. Only after the wedding the kids withdrew from me.

They were no longer okay with me driving them around, they would reject my offers to help with homework or take them someplace and would instead say they wanted their mom to do it. Anytime we talked they would share less about their day with me.

If I asked them if they were okay I got a shrug or a yeah. Before the wedding they didn't mind saying the good and the bad.

They also looked at photos of their dad more and I noticed some of his stuff appearing around the living area of the house more. My wife's parents commented that the kids hadn't really looked at the photos so frequently or scattered their dad's things around the house like that since he'd been newly gone (for the first six months to be more accurate).

I never minded having the photos out or even their dad's stuff. When we started living together and moved into the house I explained they could have photos and his things around the place.

They chose to keep them in their rooms at the time. And I could be a little sensitive to what was happening.

Maybe I was just never cut out for it. But at times I felt like they were trying to mark the house as their dad's house.

One time I really felt this was when their dad's mug suddenly appeared at the spot at the table I would sit at every time. I'd been sitting there for months and suddenly his mug was there and it remained there and whenever we would eat together they would stare at me to see if I'd sit there or somewhere else.

I talked to my wife about it and she told me I did the right thing taking another seat. They also started putting photos of when their dad was alive in more prominent positions and would hide ones that included me behind them.

I asked one day if they had moved the photos and they said yeah, that they wanted the photos of their family to be seen. Going alongside this my wife was acting differently.

She made less time for us. When we were together she wasn't as affectionate and I caught her playing with her first wedding ring, which she wore around her neck, more.

She called her latte husband's family her in-laws again but didn't call my family her in-laws. Her priority was spending time with her late husband's parents and siblings and she would choose to spend time with them over mine even if the kids were not going to be joining us.

Often she would "forget" when we had plans with my family. She really made zero effort with my family and my family tried to get close to her and the kids.

Plans we had discussed before marriage were also changed. We had discussed having kids together and agreed we wanted one or two but then she said she didn't know after we were married.

She was not the same with other people. She was just as open and affectionate as before with everyone else.

She enjoyed herself. But it was like being reminded of me was a bucket of ice water over her head.

I tried to discuss it with her but she was "busy" or she'd say she had no idea she was doing it and promised to be more conscious but she wasn't. And then she started talking about her late husband more.

I would try to engage with her about him but she'd carry on without me and almost seemed to dislike me talking about him. In the end I couldn't do it.

I know there are ways to try and make it work but I didn't feel like anyone else would want to. So I told my wife I couldn't do it anymore and said I wanted a divorce.

She looked startled at first and then asked me why and we talked briefly about it before I left the house. We did go to a couple of therapy sessions together after the separation but she closed down certain topics which made me more secure in my decision.

And her kids did not miss me at all. Apparently once I was gone the kids told their aunt that the house felt like a home at last.

They didn't say it as in now that he's gone but it was implied. My wife's parents don't understand why I didn't stay and fight for us all to come together and be a family.

They said I gave up too fast and I knew what I was getting into when I married their daughter. My wife has asked for us to work it out.

But I don't see a future for us. Does all of this make me TA?

Navigating Complex Emotions

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship expert and author, notes that "the emotional complexities of a second marriage, especially to a widow, can be profound." She emphasizes that unresolved grief often manifests in new relationships, creating challenges for both partners. According to her insights on her professional website, individuals coping with loss may carry emotional baggage that complicates their ability to connect with new partners, leading to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

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Commonly, partners in such situations may experience what's known as 'secondary loss,' where the new spouse feels they are competing with the memory of the deceased.

Studies suggest that these feelings can lead to jealousy and resentment, even if they are rooted in insecurity rather than actual rivalry.

Therapists recommend open conversations about grief and the deceased partner to foster understanding and connection.

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The Role of Communication in Relationships

Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but it becomes even more vital when one partner carries the weight of past losses.

According to research from the National Institutes of Health, couples who engage in transparent dialogues about their feelings tend to foster stronger emotional bonds.

Therapists suggest using 'I' statements to express feelings without placing blame, which can help create a safe space for both partners to share their vulnerabilities.

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Moreover, the concept of 'complicated grief' can often surface in such marriages, where the bereaved partner struggles to move on while still holding onto their memories.

Studies indicate that couples therapy can be beneficial in these cases, providing a structured environment to address underlying issues.

Engaging in joint activities that honor the deceased while also creating new memories can help in blending the past with the present.

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Research on Attachment Styles

Understanding attachment styles can provide insight into how partners cope with grief within a second marriage.

According to attachment theory, those with secure attachments are more likely to communicate effectively and navigate the complexities of their partner's grief.

Conversely, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle more, creating friction in the relationship.

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It's also critical to recognize the importance of self-care for both partners in this situation.

Research in the field of psychology emphasizes that individuals must take time to process their feelings independently to avoid overwhelming each other.

Engaging in individual therapy or support groups can provide necessary outlets for both partners, allowing for personal growth alongside relationship development.

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We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Psychological Analysis

In situations like this, it's common for the new partner to feel overshadowed by the memory of the deceased.

This dynamic often stems from unresolved grief in the widow, which can manifest as emotional distance or difficulty in fully engaging in the new relationship.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Mental health professionals encourage couples in this scenario to seek out therapy, as it can help navigate the unique challenges they face.

Working through grief together can enhance intimacy and understanding, transforming what may feel like a rivalry into a bond strengthened by shared experiences.

Ultimately, embracing the past while fostering a new future can lead to a fulfilling partnership.