Struggling University Student Considers Military Against Parents Wishes

Navigating the pressures of familial expectations while finding your own path can be a daunting experience, especially when it involves academic pursuits. In a recent Reddit post, a 19-year-old student shared their struggle with university, feeling like a failure in their parents' eyes due to academic challenges and the weight of their family's educational standards.

Despite failing courses and being on the verge of expulsion, the student had kept their struggles hidden from their parents, who believed they were progressing well in a program they had actually failed to meet the requirements for. The situation escalated as the student contemplated enrolling in the Canadian Armed Forces without disclosing their academic setbacks to their parents, anticipating their disapproval and potential rift in their relationship.

The thread sparked a mix of responses, with some criticizing the deception and urging honesty, while others empathized with the student's predicament and encouraged them to take control of their future. The discussion delved into themes of parental expectations, personal accountability, and the complexity of making life-altering decisions in the face of familial pressures.

Original Post

I’m 19 years old (M) and have been in university for two years (September 2023 - Present). Honestly, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing during this time.

I never had much interest in education beyond high school, but I come from a family where a bachelor’s degree is considered the “bare minimum,” and nothing will change my parents’ minds. So, during my senior year, I enrolled in university for a “Bachelor of Social Work” with no real intention.

Long story short, I failed every course, and my GPA was so bad that I couldn’t continue in that program. I got demoted to “Bachelor of Sociology” because I didn’t meet the requirements for social work.

I’ve never told my parents I failed my first year, and even though they think I’m in my second year of social work, I’m technically still in my first year of sociology. I should’ve focused on school, but this year has been no different.

I gave up on assignments three weeks ago. My grades are terrible, and I’m very likely to get kicked out (80-90%).

I feel horrible. I already felt like a failure in my parents’ eyes, especially when my mom would ask how school was going.

I lied, saying everything was fine but felt guilty every night. I feel like a disgrace to them, like a terrible son, a horrible person.

My dad even got me a summer job the past two years to help pay for tuition without going into debt, and I’ve still disappointed them. I’ve disappointed them before—getting suspended for things like skipping class or smoking w**d—but this feels way worse.

I feel like a total failure. I don’t know what to do now.

There’s no point in returning to school, especially at this institution, since they’d probably never let me re-enroll. I’ve considered joining the Canadian Armed Forces (I’m from Toronto) for the past few months.

I’ve looked it up, and it could take anywhere from 6 to 18 months to enroll. I plan to join and pursue a career as a postal clerk or signal technician.

The problem is, I haven’t told my parents about my situation at school, and I know they’ll oppose me joining the military. I know it’ll break their hearts and might ruin my relationship with them.

My dad will probably be furious, and my mom will be heartbroken when she learns the truth about my school situation. Growing up, my dad always said, “I didn’t immigrate to Canada for my children to only have a high school degree,” my family takes that very seriously.

My parents both have master’s degrees, and my sister is about to graduate with a bachelor’s in accounting. For my mom, not having a degree is a huge disgrace, especially since all my extended family back home has degrees, too.

I plan to tell them in a week or two, but I just needed to vent and get a third-party perspective. Thanks for reading.

The Impact of Parental Expectations on Student Mental Health

Dr. Maria Collins, a developmental psychologist at Emory University, highlights the significant impact of parental expectations on student mental health.

Her research indicates that high expectations can lead to increased stress and anxiety in students, particularly when they feel they are not meeting these expectations.

This underscores the importance of fostering realistic and supportive environments for young adults.

The Pressure of Parental Expectations

Dr. Kevin Richards, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes that parental expectations can create significant pressure for adolescents, especially those struggling academically.

Research indicates that when teens feel burdened by their parents' aspirations, it can lead to anxiety and a sense of inadequacy.

Understanding this dynamic is crucial for fostering a supportive environment that encourages healthy development.

Comment from u/GreekAmericanDom

YTA For lying to your parents. School is not for everyone. Go ahead and withdraw. Good on you for figuring out a path that will allow you to carve out a future for yourself. And stop felling and acting like a failure. Your only failure here is not standing up for yourself and following other people's ideas of what you should be doing. Take responsibility for your life and live it how it makes sense for you.

Comment from u/SadCap7247

YTA. You’ve been lying to your parents for a long time, and instead of owning up to your situation and being honest with them, you’ve let this deception build up. It’s one thing to not be interested in school and to struggle academically, but it’s another to actively deceive your parents about something as important as your education. They clearly care about you and have made sacrifices to support your future, and instead of facing your responsibilities, you’ve let them think you’re progressing while you’ve been failing.

Comment from u/JuniorCommercial1202

It’s not being an a*****e to make your own decisions as a grown adult. It is being an a*****e to lie about it. For that reason, YTA. Come clean, let them know your excitement at the idea of being in the military. If they’re not excited for you, that’s on them, but keeping up the lie is only gonna make it worse

Comment from u/icnoevil

I'm a veteran and I would seriously caution to think about joining the military with this unstable regime. No telling where you might end up.

Comment from u/LittleLily78

Honey. You are in a bad situation. But hear me clear....the only people on this planet who will still love you through this are your parents. Sure, they may be hurt and upset, but they will still love you and help.you figure it out. Don't be stupid and take an option that isn't well thought out without talking to them.

Comment from u/Ninarwiener

I just want to pipe in here and say that while you shouldn't have lied, school is not for everyone and I really related to your post. I'm now 46, I finally finished my undergrad degree at 30. I also come from an academic family. Working or going into the armed forces now, doesn't mean you can't finish your degree when you are older. College is wasted on 18 year olds! I was much more prepared for the work and I got so much more out of it as an older student. Your path will not look like your sisters and that's okay. It has to be okay, because clearly school is not for you right now, and the longer you hide out the worse this situation will get. Come clean, and move on and accept that your screwed up and things will be difficult with your parents, but what you are going through right now is also awful and difficult and the shame will eat you alive if you don't get out of this situation.

Comment from u/Suitable_Doubt7359

YTA to yourself and your parents. You’ve wasted their money, lied to them, and you have not accomplished anything. Part of being an adult is being honest and forging your path. What you don’t realize is that you might have ended a posible future of attending any college in future. Get a full time job or go to the military and stop wasting your parent’s money.

Comment from u/FlanSwimming8607

Why aren’t you doing well in school? Get to the root of the problem. W**d? Not doing assignments? Most universities have free help. Get your mind right. You can control how you spend your time. Stop making excuses. When you are working you will have to be focused as well. Military requires discipline. You need to discipline yourself. Get through this gift your parents are providing you - support and the ability to go debt free. You will look back and regret how you squandered your time and money because of your lack of focus.

Comment from u/Key-Tie5463

Yes

Comment from u/Typical-Lecture-4048

So if Universities aren’t you think, what about a trade school? Trades do earn a ton of money, a lot more then any BS of Social. Give it a few years so that you get some life experience under your belt. You will be a completely different person then the 19 year old that you are today

Comment from u/At_Random_600

Your parents will find out and putting this conversation off is hurting you the most. You are living in shame and they are going to be upset either way. Be honest, the sooner the better. It will feel better to tell them you are going into the military than having them find out on the back end. These types of life moments are very hard to face. Their reactions will likely be just as bad as you fear but avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. Rip the bandaid off and face the music.

Comment from u/Snurgisdr

YTA for lying to your parents. You’re going to have to come clean, and the longer you wait, the worse it’s going to get. NTA for changing course. You’re an adult and it’s your decision to make. And honestly, a Bachelor of Sociology isn’t going to get you any better job than no degree at all.

Comment from u/daylight1943

NTA for struggling with school, wanting to change course in life, or even for "disappointing" your parents, but YTA for lying to them about the education they are funding. if youre thinking about joining up, it is probably worth reading some stories from people who are unhappy with their choice to join up, just to get a fuller perspective of what you might be getting yourself into. this isnt the only resource for regretful service members but its a natural starting point since youre already on reddit - https://old.reddit.com/r/regretjoining/

Comment from u/AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 19 years old (M) and have been in university for two years (September 2023 - Present). Honestly, I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing during this time. I never had much interest in education beyond high school, but I come from a family where a bachelor’s degree is considered the “bare minimum,” and nothing will change my parents’ minds. So, during my senior year, I enrolled in university for a “Bachelor of Social Work” with no real intention. Long story short, I failed every course, and my GPA was so bad that I couldn’t continue in that program. I got demoted to “Bachelor of Sociology” because I didn’t meet the requirements for social work. I’ve never told my parents I failed my first year, and even though they think I’m in my second year of social work, I’m technically still in my first year of sociology. I should’ve focused on school, but this year has been no different. I gave up on assignments three weeks ago. My grades are terrible, and I’m very likely to get kicked out (80-90%). I feel horrible. I already felt like a failure in my parents’ eyes, especially when my mom would ask how school was going. I lied, saying everything was fine but felt guilty every night. I feel like a disgrace to them, like a terrible son, a horrible person. My dad even got me a summer job the past two years to help pay for tuition without going into debt, and I’ve still disappointed them. I’ve disappointed them before—getting suspended for things like skipping class or smoking w**d—but this feels way worse. I feel like a total failure. I don’t know what to do now. There’s no point in returning to school, especially at this institution, since they’d probably never let me re-enroll. I’ve considered joining the Canadian Armed Forces (I’m from Toronto) for the past few months. I’ve looked it up, and it could take anywhere from 6 to 18 months to enroll. I plan to join and pursue a career as a postal clerk or signal technician. The problem is, I haven’t told my parents about my situation at school, and I know they’ll oppose me joining the military. I know it’ll break their hearts and might ruin my relationship with them. My dad will probably be furious, and my mom will be heartbroken when she learns the truth about my school situation. Growing up, my dad always said, “I didn’t immigrate to Canada for my children to only have a high school degree,” my family takes that very seriously. My parents both have master’s degrees, and my sister is about to graduate with a bachelor’s in accounting. For my mom, not having a degree is a huge disgrace, especially since all my extended family back home has degrees, too. I plan to tell them in a week or two, but I just needed to vent and get a third-party perspective. Thanks for reading. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Comment from u/Financial_Bowl9440

I completely understand going to school for your parents... you are NTA. You're just in a very tough place in life where you want to please your parents and feel extreme guilt and shame at not being able to please them the way you think you should. It is completely ridiculous to expect 18 year olds to know exactly what they want to do with their lives. Their brains aren't even fully developed and they've lived such a little amount of their "real life." Your parents might also have come from the generation where people were told they need a college/university degree (when we know now that the job market is oversaturated and being well educated won't necessarily give you an edge over someone with different skills and experiences.) That being said, are your parents reasonable enough that you can sit down and talk to them about this? It sucks, but it's quite literally the only option you have. You don't have to know what you want to do school/career wise, but you do have to do this. Don't make it worse by continuing the lie. Expect them to be upset. Expect yourself to feel horrible. But if they are good parents, they will help you through this.

Comment from u/Other-Ad4174

Harsh as it sounds, YTA for letting it drag out this long and wasting an opportunity. I feel for you OP, I do. It’s not easy dealing with the pressures of familial expectations, especially when there’s generational guilt involved- but there was time and *money* going into this thing that you intentionally sabotaged. It’s not that I don’t see where it came from, but I’m urked that the least you could’ve done for *your* sake- separate from your family- was try, and you didn’t. That being said, you’re an adult, and what’s done is done. Your family can think whatever they want, but it’s not their lives to live and whatever disappointment they may feel will have to just subside with time. Stop talking down on yourself, it doesn’t help anything and will only result in you feeling worse about things you can’t take back. Learn and grow from this experience, and join the military if that’s what you need/want to do. Maybe even come back one day when you discover you want to further your education, it happens all the time. Despite what your family might think, there’s many paths in life and college isn’t the only one capable of granting a fulfilling one. Go and enjoy it.

Comment from u/Old_Satisfaction2319

YTA. Being an adult sucks and you will have to have tons of difficult conversations with a lot of people in your life. You can't keep lying to your parents indefinitely; this is going to blow into your face sooner or later. The longest you keep your lie, especially if it is costing your parents money, worse it will be when the truth comes to light. You need to think what do you want to do with your life, and how will you get there. Don't go to the Army just because it is a possibility; there are tons more. Think long and hard about what you want to do, which are your realistic possibilities and begin to work towards them. But you need to wear your big boy pants as soon as possible and talk to your parents. It will be better if you can present them an alternative plans for your future, though. Go with ideas and documentation. One can be the Army, but only if you really want to go down that path, but you have a lot more.

Comment from u/BuenosAires353

It's your life, not your parents. Make your own choices and decisions based on what you want, not what you think they want.  They should be supportive and if not, proceed without their consent. 

Comment from u/PeckerNash

You can get a degree in the military and its free. Military advisors can help you determine a career path.

Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section.

Studies in adolescent psychology highlight the importance of balancing parental aspirations with the individual needs of the child.

When parents impose rigid expectations, it can lead to feelings of rebellion and disengagement from academic pursuits.

Encouraging open communication can help parents and teens navigate these expectations more effectively.

Exploring the Emotional Weight of Academic Struggles

Academic struggles can significantly impact a teenager's self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Experts note that when adolescents conceal their failures, it can lead to a cycle of shame and isolation.

Addressing these feelings openly can help teens feel less alone and promote healthier coping strategies.

Research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology indicates that adolescents who feel comfortable discussing their academic challenges are more likely to seek help and develop resilience.

This highlights the importance of creating a safe space for open dialogue about struggles and failures.

By normalizing these conversations, parents can help their teens navigate their challenges more effectively.

The Role of Supportive Relationships

Supportive relationships play a crucial role in helping teens navigate academic pressures.

Experts recommend fostering an environment where open communication is encouraged, allowing adolescents to express their feelings and concerns.

This practice can enhance emotional resilience and fortify their support systems.

Studies show that teens who feel supported by their peers and parents are better equipped to handle academic stress and setbacks.

By prioritizing supportive relationships, families can create a nurturing environment that fosters growth and resilience.

Encouraging teens to seek help from trusted adults can further enhance their coping strategies.

Navigating the Military Path

Considering the military as an option can be a complex decision for adolescents, particularly against parental wishes.

Experts suggest that understanding the motivations behind this choice is crucial for parents to address their concerns effectively.

Open discussions about the benefits and challenges of military service can help bridge the gap between parental expectations and the teen's aspirations.

Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the significant pressures adolescents face when navigating academic expectations and personal aspirations. It's essential for parents to engage in open dialogue with their teens about their struggles and goals. By fostering a supportive environment, families can help adolescents build resilience and make informed choices about their futures.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In conclusion, navigating the pressures of parental expectations requires a delicate balance between support and autonomy.

Research consistently shows that fostering open communication and understanding can lead to healthier family dynamics.

By addressing these issues collaboratively, families can create an environment that supports adolescent growth while respecting individual choices.

Studies show that students who feel pressured to succeed often experience feelings of inadequacy and burnout.

According to research published in the Journal of Educational Psychology, fostering autonomy and allowing for self-directed goals can significantly enhance student well-being.

This highlights the need for parents to support their children’s individual aspirations over rigid expectations.

Navigating Family Pressure During Critical Life Transitions

Life transitions, such as leaving for military service, can be particularly stressful for students facing family pressure.

A clinical psychologist notes that these transitions can trigger feelings of guilt and conflict, especially when family values clash with personal desires.

Recognizing these emotional challenges is essential for effective decision-making.

To navigate family pressures, it’s beneficial for students to engage in open discussions about their goals and aspirations.

Research indicates that families who foster open dialogue about life choices tend to experience lower levels of conflict and greater understanding.

This can create a supportive environment for exploring options like joining the military.

Psychological Analysis

This situation reflects the complexities of family dynamics during significant life transitions, particularly when aspirations conflict with parental expectations.

Recognizing these emotional challenges can lead to more constructive conversations and improved family relationships.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

In summary, understanding the impact of parental expectations on student mental health is crucial for supporting young adults during critical life transitions.

Research highlights the importance of open communication and fostering autonomy in promoting well-being.

By prioritizing understanding and support, families can help their children navigate these challenges more effectively.