20 And Still Living At Home - One Mom’s Battle Between Supporting Her Daughter's Boundaries And Independence

A Redditor recently shared that her daughter just turned 20 and, for the most part, stays home every day. She hasn’t registered for the fall semester, claiming she’ll do so in the spring, and hasn’t been proactive about job hunting.

The Redditor has tried to keep an open mind, understanding that her daughter might just be figuring herself out. Rarely does she go out, but when she does, she often returns home after 2 a.m., which worries her mom.

The daughter also smokes “zaza” a lot, which adds another layer of concern for the parent. The mother keeps telling her that nothing good happens after 2 a.m. and explains that she stays up worrying until she returns.

When confronted, the daughter claims her mom is trying to control her. In reality, the mother says she’s not trying to control her at all and that her daughter is free to leave and return whenever she wants—just not at 2 a.m.

Things came to a head when the mother set a boundary: if her daughter couldn’t respect her rules, she wouldn’t be allowed to stay at home. Unfortunately, the daughter only heard that as, “I’m kicking you out,” and threatened she would never be seen again.

As a single child, the mother is terrified of losing connection with her daughter. She doesn’t want her to disappear, but she also wants to enforce rules in her home.

In an update, the Redditor shared that she had another calm discussion with her daughter. She told her she’s willing to step back and let her grow up, but reassured her that she will always worry and care as her mom.

The conversation also came with some practical changes. The daughter will no longer receive spending money from her parents, which was about $500 a month, and will need to find a job to support herself.

Her mom laid out the options clearly: she can work full-time and skip school, or attend school part-time and work part-time. If she goes full-time in school and can’t manage a job, her parents will still help financially.

The daughter is free to stay out late but must be considerate about waking her mom, who needs to sleep. The Redditor notes that her daughter is burned out, a situation that started during her junior year of high school.

Despite being smart and achieving good grades until then, the stress seemed to take its toll. Therapy was introduced during her junior and senior years, but once she turned 18, she chose to stop attending sessions.

Her mom believes she is still depressed and has encouraged her to talk to a therapist, though the daughter has refused. Cutting off spending money didn’t make her happy, but she did agree to consider registering for the spring semester.

The OP also offered to help with her daughter’s resume and even connect her with professional contacts for administrative jobs. The daughter says she’ll think about it, leaving her mom in a “wait and see” mode.

Despite the tension, the mother is managing to stay calm, even when her daughter came home at 2:30 a.m. recently. She admits it worried her, but she held it together and avoided an emotional outburst.

On top of all this, the mom plans to see a therapist for her own anxiety. She hopes that by seeking help for herself, she can better handle the stress of parenting an adult child who is still finding her path.

It’s a tricky balance between giving her daughter independence and enforcing necessary boundaries. The mother wants her to succeed and learn responsibility, but she also wants to maintain a strong and loving connection.

For parents in similar situations, the Redditor advises patience, setting clear boundaries, and keeping communication open. Even when emotions run high, trying to stay calm and consistent seems to be the best approach.

Ultimately, she hopes her daughter will take the guidance to heart while learning to stand on her own two feet. Until then, she’s doing her best to navigate the challenges of parenting an adult child at home.

Things came to a head when the mother set a boundary: if her daughter couldn’t respect her rules, she wouldn’t be allowed to stay at home.

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Here's the original post by Reddit user 'Ambitious-Aside0619 '.

My daughter just turned 20. I’m don’t ask that she stays home every day and for the most part she is home every day. She didn’t register for the fall semester and claims she will for the spring. She’s been really relax about job hunting. For the most part I tried to keep an open mind and understand that she maybe just figuring herself out. Rarely does she go out. But she has been smoking zaza a lot ( I m worried about that). When she does go out she always wants to come home at 2am or after. I keep telling her nothing good happens after 2. And I try to make her understand that as a parent I’m up worrying about her until she comes home. She just says I’m trying to control her and I’m not. She can leave and come whenever she wants, just not at 2am. Today I told her if she can’t respect my rules she can’t stay with me. All she heard was I’m kicking her out. She says I’ll never see her again. She’s my only child. I don’t want her to just disappear but I also don’t want her disrespecting me and my rules. Any suggestions or advice on how to rephrase this?Update: I hope I’m updating correctly. I did sit down with my daughter and had another discussion. I told her that I’m willing to back off and let her grown up but she’s always going to be my little girl. I’m always going to worry but that is my issue to deal with. However, I also told her that I will no longer provide her with spending money ( her father and I give her about 500 a month). She is going to have to find a job for spending money. She can either work full time and not attend school or she can work part time and go to school. I also told her that if she goes to school full time and can’t work because it would to much on her plate I would provide her money. She is free to stay out late as she wants but she has to be mindful of waking me up so she has to be quiet. As some of you guessed, she is burned out. Burn out started when she was a junior in HS. She is a smart girl and go good grades up til that point. We put her in therapy during her junior and senior year but she did not want to continue once she turned 18. I know she is depressed and has asked her to talk to a therapist. She doesn’t want to. She isn’t happy about me cutting off the money and says she will look into registering for the Spring semester.I told her I am willing to help her work on her resume and speak with some of my connections to get her a job as admin but she says she’ll think about it. At this point all o can do is wait and see if anything change. But last night she did go out and came back at 2:30am. I was worried but I held it together lol. Oh, I’ll be seeing a therapist for my anxiety too. Thanks everyone!

Navigating Independence

Dr. Lawrence Cohen, a child psychologist, emphasizes that transitioning to adulthood can be challenging for both parents and children. The parental role shifts from authority to support, which can be a difficult balance to find.

He suggests that parents encourage independence by allowing their children to make age-appropriate choices while maintaining open lines of communication. This approach fosters responsibility and self-efficacy, vital for young adults. By discussing boundaries and expectations together, families can create a healthier environment for growth.

Here's how the Reddit community reacted.

franksinestra

Spot the problem.

Remarkable_Inchworm

According to parenting expert Dr. Janet Lansbury, understanding the developmental stages of young adults is essential. Many 20-somethings are still figuring out their identity, so it’s not uncommon for them to delay significant life decisions.

She explains that instead of imposing strict rules, parents might benefit from engaging in honest conversations about their child's hopes and fears. This dialogue creates a supportive context where the young adult feels empowered rather than constrained, leading to healthier decision-making.

"Stop giving her money."

Bubuswift90

"You are trying to control her."

Kind-Philosopher1

"Have you had an adult conversation with her?"

FarmerKarly

Financial Independence Strategies

Financial planners often recommend that young adults establish a budget and set financial goals to promote independence. According to a recent article by financial educator Dave Ramsey, creating a personal budget can help clarify spending habits and encourage accountability.

He suggests young adults track their income and expenses for a month to identify unnecessary spending. This understanding can motivate them to seek employment and develop essential money management skills, fostering a sense of independence and confidence.

You'll worry more if she moves out.

Some-Astronaut-6907

Stop trying to make her feel guilty.

ChewableRobots

ESH.

TyrannasaurusRecked

Family dynamics play a crucial role in a young adult's journey toward independence. Dr. Madeline Levine, a clinical psychologist, notes that overprotective parenting can hinder a child’s ability to develop resilience. This can lead to anxiety and indecision as they face adulthood.

She recommends fostering a growth mindset by allowing children to experience failure and learn from their mistakes. Such experiences build confidence and prepare them for life's challenges, essential for thriving in adulthood.

"Sometimes the bird has to be chucked out of the nest."

ThiefyMcBackstab

"Are you still giving her an allowance?"

Heeler_Haven

"Your rules sound relatively reasonable."

clairejv

Balancing Support and Freedom

Dr. Dan Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist, highlights the importance of emotional intelligence in parent-child relationships. He suggests that parents can foster healthy independence by practicing empathy and active listening, which strengthens their bond.

When young adults feel heard and understood, they are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings. This open communication can help parents remain supportive while allowing their children to establish boundaries, ultimately leading to a more balanced and respectful relationship.

NAH.

hiddenkobolds

"She wants to be treated like an adult."

FairyFartDaydreams

"Maybe she just needs to move out on her own."

rsinspiration

In navigating this sensitive phase, experts suggest that parents remain flexible. Dr. Gabor Maté, a prominent physician and author, emphasizes that rigidity in expectations can lead to resentment and rebellion.

Instead, he advocates for a collaborative approach where both parents and children discuss their needs and boundaries openly. This not only promotes mutual respect but also encourages young adults to take an active role in their lives, paving the way for a smoother transition to independence.

Parenting an adult child comes with a whole new set of challenges, from setting boundaries to letting them make their own choices. For this mom, it’s a balancing act between love, worry, and the hope that her daughter will find her own path—one late night at a time.

Expert Opinion

This situation highlights the classic struggle between parental control and a young adult's desire for independence. The daughter's resistance may stem from a mix of burnout and the challenge of transitioning into adulthood, which can feel overwhelming without a clear sense of direction. The mother's willingness to adapt her approach while maintaining boundaries reflects a healthy attempt to foster autonomy, which is crucial for her daughter's development.

As families navigate the complexities of young adulthood, understanding the balance between support and independence is crucial. Experts emphasize open communication, empathy, and gradual boundary-setting as effective strategies for fostering resilience in young adults. By encouraging their children to take responsibility for their choices while providing a supportive environment, parents can help cultivate confidence and independence. This approach not only strengthens family bonds but also equips young adults with the skills they need to thrive as they transition into adulthood.