Surrogate Mom Refuses to Breastfeed Twins Full-Time: AITA?

In a recent Reddit post, a surrogate mother shared her dilemma about breastfeeding the twins she carried for her sister. The 32-year-old surrogate mother agreed to carry twins for her sister, who was unable to conceive due to cancer treatments.

The delivery took place three months ago, and the surrogate mother's sister has been insisting that she breastfeed the twins since she can't lactate. At first, the surrogate mother agreed to help but found herself overwhelmed as her sister demanded frequent visits and expressed milk for all meals, disrupting her full-time job and care for her own child.

As the situation escalated, with her sister creating a bedroom for her and demanding constant breastfeeding sessions, the surrogate mother felt her boundaries were being crossed. Despite her sister's and husband's pleas and accusations of selfishness, the surrogate mother stood her ground, emphasizing the adequacy of formula feeding and her need to prioritize her own family and well-being.

The Reddit community overwhelmingly supported the surrogate mother, acknowledging her selflessness as a surrogate and affirming her right to reclaim her time and bodily autonomy. They encouraged her to set boundaries and not feel obligated to continue providing breast milk for the twins.

Original Post

I am a 32-year-old female and served as a surrogate mother to my 36-year-old sister, who couldn't bear children as a result of her cancer treatments. I carried twins for her and her husband using their embryos.

The delivery took place three months ago. This is where it got bizarre.

My sister keeps requesting that I breastfeed the twins since "breast is best" and she can't lactate. I agreed at first because I wanted to assist her, but it is taking over my life.

She insists that I visit her 5-6 times a day or express enough milk for all meals. I work full-time and have my own 4-year-old child to look after.

I informed her that I would need to reduce my visits to perhaps twice a day and provide some expressed milk, and she burst out crying, telling me I was depriving the babies of the opportunity for optimal health. Her husband sent me a text stating that I was selfish, as I "already did the hard part" and should still assist them.

The situation boiled over yesterday when I walked in and discovered my sister had created a bedroom for me and insisted that I just come in to feed the twins whenever they wanted. I told her no and mentioned that formula was a perfectly adequate way to supplement.

She took offense and said I was abandoning my nephews and breaking our agreement. I left without giving them food.

My mom said my sister and I should be more understanding about her situation, but to be honest, I feel my body is being used as a dairy farm. AITA if I don't want to be their full-time milk supply?

Boundaries and the Psychology of Surrogacy

Surrogacy raises complex psychological dynamics that often center around attachment and maternal instincts.

According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, surrogate mothers can experience a range of emotions, including attachment to the child they carry, which complicates their relationship with intended parents.

These emotions can lead to conflicts around boundaries, especially when expectations about breastfeeding are introduced.

Comment from u/MyCouchPulzOut_IDont

Comment from u/Ok_Conversation9750

The decision to breastfeed, especially in a surrogacy context, can be viewed through the lens of psychological ownership.

Research shows that people often feel a sense of ownership over experiences and roles, which can lead to emotional distress when boundaries are perceived to be violated.

In this case, the surrogate's refusal to breastfeed full-time could reflect a protective measure to maintain her emotional well-being and autonomy.

Comment from u/Competitive-Eye-1342

Comment from u/Present-Duck4273

The Role of Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is a concept that describes the management of emotions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job or role.

Dr. Arlie Hochschild's research indicates that this can lead to significant stress and burnout when individuals feel their emotional needs are not being met.

In the context of surrogacy, if the surrogate feels compelled to meet the intended parents' expectations at the cost of her own mental health, it could result in long-term psychological effects.

Comment from u/empathy10

Comment from u/epiphanomaly

Understanding the surrogate's perspective is essential for all parties involved.

Encouraging open communication about boundaries can help mitigate misunderstandings and foster a healthier relationship.

Moreover, engaging in counseling or support groups specifically for surrogates may provide necessary emotional support and coping strategies.

Comment from u/KrofftSurvivor

Comment from u/Gold-Pudding-6630

Navigating Family Dynamics

Family dynamics play a critical role in how surrogacy relationships are navigated.

Research from the American Psychological Association emphasizes that family systems theory supports the idea that each member's emotional responses can significantly impact the overall family system.

In this situation, family members may project their feelings onto the surrogate, creating additional pressure.

Comment from u/PhotojournalistDry47

Comment from u/Equivalent-Let-7021

Support from both intended parents and the surrogate can enhance the experience for everyone involved.

Practicing empathy and validating the surrogate's feelings can create a more collaborative atmosphere.

Regular check-ins about emotional well-being can also establish a stronger support network throughout the surrogacy process.

Comment from u/Beach_Girl65

Comment from u/LiterallyJustVibesx

Understanding Attachment Styles

Attachment theory suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our emotional responses in later relationships.

Dr. John Bowlby's work highlights that those with secure attachments tend to navigate relationships more smoothly, while those with insecure attachments may struggle with boundary-setting.

In cases of surrogacy, understanding one's attachment style could be pivotal in addressing conflicts and fostering healthier interactions.

Comment from u/Shoesietart

Comment from u/HatingOnNames

What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

Comment from u/Direct_Big3343

Comment from u/Id_rather_be_sewing

Comment from u/phoenixdragon2020

Comment from u/Big_lt

Comment from u/RevolutionaryDiet686

Comment from u/winterymix33

Psychological Analysis

This situation reflects the intricate balance between emotional needs and boundaries in surrogate relationships.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that surrogates have their own emotional journeys, and respecting those boundaries is vital for a healthy relationship with intended parents.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Research indicates that establishing clear boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, particularly in complex situations like surrogacy.

Understanding emotional dynamics and attachment styles can help all parties navigate their feelings effectively.

Ultimately, fostering open communication and emotional support can lead to a more positive experience for everyone involved.