Surrogate Mom Refuses to Breastfeed Twins Full-Time: AITA?

Some people don’t recognize a favor. In this case, a 32-year-old woman agreed to be a surrogate for her sister, carrying twins made from the intended parents’ embryos, and then got hit with an extra job she never signed up for.

Three months after delivery, her sister keeps demanding she breastfeed the twins full-time, even though her sister “can’t lactate” and wants 5 to 6 visits a day or enough expressed milk to cover every meal. OP works full-time, has her own 4-year-old, and tried to set boundaries, but her sister and brother-in-law accused her of starving the babies and betraying the agreement.

It turns into a full-on household takeover when OP walks in and finds her sister has set up a bedroom for her, just so she can pop in to feed whenever they want.

Original Post

I am a 32-year-old female and served as a surrogate mother to my 36-year-old sister, who couldn't bear children as a result of her cancer treatments. I carried twins for her and her husband using their embryos.

The delivery took place three months ago. This is where it got bizarre.

My sister keeps requesting that I breastfeed the twins since "breast is best" and she can't lactate. I agreed at first because I wanted to assist her, but it is taking over my life.

She insists that I visit her 5-6 times a day or express enough milk for all meals. I work full-time and have my own 4-year-old child to look after.

I informed her that I would need to reduce my visits to perhaps twice a day and provide some expressed milk, and she burst out crying, telling me I was depriving the babies of the opportunity for optimal health. Her husband sent me a text stating that I was selfish, as I "already did the hard part" and should still assist them.

The situation boiled over yesterday when I walked in and discovered my sister had created a bedroom for me and insisted that I just come in to feed the twins whenever they wanted. I told her no and mentioned that formula was a perfectly adequate way to supplement.

She took offense and said I was abandoning my nephews and breaking our agreement. I left without giving them food.

My mom said my sister and I should be more understanding about her situation, but to be honest, I feel my body is being used as a dairy farm. AITA if I don't want to be their full-time milk supply?

The situation surrounding the surrogate mother's decision not to breastfeed the twins she carried for her sister highlights the intricate psychological dynamics at play in surrogacy. The emotional landscape can be deeply complex, as evidenced by the surrogate's struggle with attachment to the children she has nurtured for nine months. This emotional bond can create a challenging interplay between the surrogate and the intended parents, particularly when it comes to expectations surrounding breastfeeding.

In this case, the surrogate's refusal to breastfeed full-time introduces significant questions about boundaries and maternal instincts. The emotional ties formed during pregnancy can lead to conflicting feelings, especially when the surrogacy arrangement involves a close familial relationship like that between sisters. The underlying tensions reflect a broader theme found in surrogacy discussions, where personal desires and familial obligations often clash, complicating what should ideally be a straightforward arrangement.

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Comment from u/Ok_Conversation9750

The decision to breastfeed, especially in a surrogacy context, can be viewed through the lens of psychological ownership.

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Comment from u/Present-Duck4273

The moment OP says she can only manage two visits a day, her sister bursts into tears and claims it will “deprive the babies” of optimal health.

Emotional labor is a concept that describes the management of emotions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job or role.

In the context of surrogacy, if the surrogate feels compelled to meet the intended parents' expectations at the cost of her own mental health, it could result in long-term psychological effects.

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Understanding the surrogate's perspective is essential for all parties involved.

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Then her brother-in-law jumps in with a text calling OP selfish, because “she already did the hard part,” like that should end the conversation.

This mirrors the moment OP confronted her brother’s partner about privacy, demanding she move out of the family home.

Family dynamics play a critical role in how surrogacy relationships are navigated.

In this situation, family members may project their feelings onto the surrogate, creating additional pressure.

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Comment from u/Equivalent-Let-7021

Support from both intended parents and the surrogate can enhance the experience for everyone involved.

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Things go nuclear when OP walks in and finds a whole bedroom set up, with her sister insisting she should come feed on demand.

The situation surrounding the surrogate mother who is hesitant to breastfeed the twins she carried for her sister brings to light the complexities of attachment in family dynamics. The surrogate's decision not to breastfeed full-time raises questions about emotional connections and boundaries. Attachment theory offers insights into how these early interactions can shape relationships. Those with secure attachments often find it easier to manage their roles and expectations, while those with insecure attachments may face difficulties in setting boundaries, especially in emotionally charged situations like surrogacy. This case illustrates the necessity of understanding one's attachment style, as it could play a crucial role in resolving conflicts and promoting healthier interactions within families navigating such intimate arrangements.

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What would you do in this situation? Share your opinion in the comments.

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OP leaves without feeding them, and suddenly the debate shifts from milk supply to whether she’s “abandoning” her nephews.

This situation underscores the emotional intricacies involved when family members engage in such profound arrangements. By prioritizing her own well-being and making a choice that feels right for her, the surrogate is not only protecting her mental health but also setting a precedent for open communication among all parties involved. Navigating these feelings requires a delicate balance of understanding and respect, which can ultimately foster a more positive experience for both the surrogate and her sister.

Nobody wants to be treated like a dairy farm, especially when they’re already balancing a real life.

For another family budget standoff, see why OP asked her brother to pay more for eating out.