Teen Refuses to Spend Inheritance on College: AITA for Transitioning Instead?

OP is 17, sitting on an inheritance with nearly $10k coming his way at 18, and somehow that money has turned into the least of his problems. The real conflict is his body, his identity, and a mom who keeps freezing up the second transition comes up.

He came out as transgender at 12, and most of the family adjusted fast, even the grandparents on both sides. The complications are all on one person, his mom, who has custody, avoids his dad like it’s a full-time job, and spent years talking around CHOP appointments, then shutting everything down the moment hormones and testosterone were mentioned.

Now OP is stuck waiting, and the inheritance question feels like the kind of detail that could distract everyone from what’s actually going on.

Original Post

17M, and my grandparents on my dad’s side passed away. My nan passed away when I was around 10 or 11, and my grandfather when I was 15.

I have received at the very least one account that has just short of 10k in it that I’ll be able to access once I turn 18. Also, unrelated but important later-my parents are divorced and my mom literally refuses to talk to my dad unless she absolutely HAS to.

Anyway, I came out as transgender at 12 years old, over 5 years ago as of now. For the most part, everyone has been accepting.

(And yes, even my grandparents on both my mom and dad’s side had no problem with it, they’re very progressive.) Everything should have been great had it not been for my mother. Ignoring the rough past I’ve had with her to the point that cps has been called twice, she’s also an extremely performative woman.

I understand that it takes time to adjust to your child coming out as transgender (even though everyone else in the family was quick to adjust) but it’s been five years and she is still the only reason I haven’t started my transition yet. We have insurance, hormones would by all means be covered, and my family literally begged her to set up CHOP appointments because they knew how gender dysphoria was effecting me.

Every time I even mentioned transitioning to her in passing she would freeze up, get uncomfortable, and s***t down the conversation. After lying about setting me up for appointments for 4 or so years, I finally started talking to an actual doctor about transitioning.

I finally felt like I was making progress and that these would be the first steps towards my journey to feel comfortable in my own body. However, the second the doctor brought up giving me hormones and getting me on testosterone, the meetings suddenly stopped.

It’s been nearly a year since my last virtual call with a doctor at CHOP. And of course, since my mom has custody over me I don’t think she even needs my dad’s permission (who would be totally fine with it anyway) for me to go on hormones. Now that I’m 17, and I’ll be going to college and getting access to my inheritance soon, it’s been brought up once or twice about what I’m going to use it for.

My mom’s boyfriend thinks I should spend it on a car (even though I don’t know how to drive and many college freshman can’t even bring their cars to school…) my mother thinks I should “save it for college” in general, which would make sense if it wasn’t for the fact that HER parents (my grandparents on my moms side) worked their butts off to have a college fund for me and all my siblings. My mother had over five years to get me on testosterone that would’ve been covered by insurance, and the remaining sum was offered to be paid for by both my dad AND my mom’s parents.

In my mind, I have waited and suffered long enough.

So..AITA?

Adolescence is a pivotal time for identity formation, especially for those exploring their gender identity.

Comment from u/Spiritual-Bridge3027

Comment from u/SmokedStone

His grandparents’ $10k account is already sitting there, but OP’s transition keeps getting paused every time his mom “gets uncomfortable” and kills the conversation.

The resistance from OP's mother reflects a common barrier faced by many LGBTQ+ adolescents: familial acceptance.

Comment from u/localdisastergay

Comment from u/Trick_Delivery4609

Financial independence is a powerful tool for adolescents, especially when making significant life choices like transitioning.

Comment from u/Psapfopkmn

Comment from u/MoodyBlue78

The family begged for CHOP appointments for years, and OP finally thought things were moving when a real doctor brought up hormones, only for the appointments to suddenly stop.

Emotional distress stemming from family disapproval can significantly amplify feelings of isolation and confusion among adolescents.

Comment from u/GimmeTheCoffeeeeeee

Comment from u/Any-Research-8140

Conflict between personal desires and parental expectations is a common theme in adolescent development, often resulting in significant emotional turmoil. Research shows that when adolescents assert their identities, it can lead to tension and misunderstandings with parents. However, this assertion is not merely a source of conflict; it is a crucial developmental step that fosters autonomy and self-concept, two essential components of healthy psychological growth and maturity.

For OP, finding effective ways to communicate their needs assertively could serve as a valuable bridge to lessen this generational gap. Utilizing 'I' statements during discussions, such as 'I feel' or 'I need,' can create a more constructive dialogue that expresses their feelings without escalating conflict. By framing their thoughts in this manner, OP may find that their parents are more receptive, leading to a more understanding and supportive relationship.

This is also giving “Uncle throws away dog food” energy, where the uncle’s choice sparks an AITA callout.

Comment from u/Outrageous-Banana905

Comment from u/Ok_Preparation_3069

Since his last virtual call about a year ago, OP is basically stuck in limbo, and his mom’s custody means she controls whether anything keeps happening.

The intersection of mental health and gender identity is well-documented and increasingly recognized as a critical area of concern. Research indicates that transgender individuals often experience higher rates of anxiety and depression compared to their cisgender peers. This significant disparity underscores the urgent need for tailored mental health support that specifically addresses the unique challenges faced by transgender youth, including societal stigma, discrimination, and internal conflicts regarding their identity.

Encouraging OP to seek therapy with a professional experienced in gender identity issues can provide valuable coping strategies and emotional support. Such therapeutic engagement can help foster a sense of acceptance and resilience, equipping them with tools to navigate the complexities of their experiences. This proactive approach not only enhances their overall well-being but also prepares them for future challenges, promoting a healthier and more fulfilling life.

Comment from u/Electronic_Farm_4633

Comment from u/caillousaysbyebye

To support OP in their journey, a structured approach to self-advocacy can be immensely beneficial in navigating their personal experiences. Immediate steps include journaling feelings about their identity and inheritance, as this practice can help clarify their thoughts and emotions. By putting pen to paper, OP can explore their feelings in a safe space, which may lead to deeper self-understanding and reflection.

In the short term, ideally within 1-2 weeks, OP could practice role-playing conversations with supportive friends. This exercise can help them gain confidence in expressing their needs and desires, making it easier to articulate their thoughts in real-life situations. Additionally, having a trusted circle to practice with can provide valuable feedback and encouragement.

Longer-term, over the course of 1-3 months, OP might consider actively seeking out LGBTQ+ community resources or local support groups. These connections can significantly reinforce their self-advocacy skills, offering a network of support during their transition. Engaging with others who share similar experiences can foster a sense of belonging and empowerment, further aiding in their journey of self-discovery.

Comment from u/Dark_Phoenix25

Comment from u/tuxedovic

With his grandparents supportive and his dad totally on board, OP is left wondering if refusing to spend the inheritance is the only way to make his mom stop dragging her feet.

How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments.

Comment from u/mesarasa

Comment from u/NatashOverWorld

The complexities surrounding the OP's situation reflect broader themes in adolescent psychology, particularly the importance of identity development and familial support. Research underscores that acceptance from family members can significantly influence mental health outcomes for LGBTQ+ youth.

By fostering open communication and understanding, families can help create an environment conducive to healthy self-exploration. Ultimately, the journey toward self-acceptance and personal empowerment is vital for the OP's well-being and future success.

Comment from u/DontHaesMeBro

Comment from u/bamf1701

Comment from u/coraldomino

The inheritance might be money, but OP’s mom is the one spending his time.

For more boundary drama, see if you’d be wrong for asking only family member drop-offs in this case.