Teens No Call-No Show At Volunteer Job Sparks Parental Conflict
AITA for enforcing rules on my 17-year-old daughter who keeps skipping her volunteer job? She accuses me of being controlling, but am I in the wrong?
A 17-year-old daughter skipping her volunteer shift turned into a full-on family war, and the weird part is, both sides sound convinced they are the only reasonable one. What started as “she overslept” and “she left early again” quickly turned into name-calling, accusations of gaslighting, and a threat that grandma and grandkids might never meet.
The mom says her daughter has one simple rule for going out, share her location on her phone. No curfew, no chores, just updates that she is safe, and she has been pretty responsible. But after a house party that went from 25 people to about 100 kids, the volunteer job became the next sticking point, especially when Sundays started getting missed, half-days turned into early exits, and the daughter refused to go after oversleeping.
Now the mother is stuck questioning whether she is the problem, or if her daughter is rewriting every rule into proof she is “controlling.”
Original Post
My daughter is 17. She is good in school and working hard.
She has no chores or rules really. The one rule we have is that she leave her location on her phone if she’s going out.
In our country, it’s legal for her to drink and so she goes to bars. She doesn’t have a curfew she just has to keep us updated that she’s safe.
These rules work for her because she is normally responsible. We let her throw a house party recently where it was supposed to be 25 people and at least 100 kids came.
We cleaned up the mess. She signed up for a volunteer job to get into college and it’s every Sunday for three hours.
She has been doing this since January and already missed two weeks. One due to illness, one due to illness from a hangover.
She also has left a half hour early every week since she started. This Sunday she overslept but there was still time to get in and she said she wasn’t going.
I told her she has to go. She made a commitment and that if she doesn’t want to do it she should give her two weeks notice.
She said I’m controlling her. I asked how.
She said asking for examples is a form of gaslighting. She called me a c-word multiple times.
She can’t give me any other examples of me being controlling but insists I am. She told me she will never let me see my grandchildren when she has them.
She said I’ve been yelling at her for six months and been rude. My husband was in disbelief because he’s been here and I haven’t yelled at her at all.
She then tried to storm out without her phone and I told her she needed to go to her room and she said that was a***e. She can talk very fast and confuses my husband sometimes so now I don’t know if I’m the crazy one.
I know maybe we should have more rules, but I had very very controlling abusive parents so I have tried to be much more permissive. Her side of the story is that another girl who trained her in volunteering said no one cares if you turn up or not and no one cares if you leave early.
But I pointed out the emails from the volunteer staff say it does matter that they are there and attend. She said those emails are none of my business.
Which maybe they’re not but she asked me to get her the volunteer work so they come to my email. AITA?
Adolescents often exhibit behaviors that can be confusing for parents, including no-call-no-show situations. This age group is still developing their sense of responsibility and may struggle with commitment. During this transitional phase, they are learning to balance autonomy with the expectations of adulthood, which can lead to conflicts with parental authority.
The situation involving the 17-year-old daughter who has been no call-no show at her volunteer job highlights a common struggle during adolescence: the quest for independence. This developmental phase often ignites tension between teenagers and their parents as young people begin to assert their autonomy. The daughter's typical responsibility makes her sudden absence even more perplexing for the parent, who may feel blindsided by this apparent rebellion. It's not uncommon for adolescents to push against boundaries, especially when they sense a shift in expectations, such as those tied to college applications. The lack of established rules or chores may contribute to the daughter's perception of freedom, leading her to prioritize personal choices over commitments. This conflict is a microcosm of the broader challenge many families face as teens navigate their identities while balancing parental expectations.
Comment from u/Creepy-Stable-6192
Comment from u/Fizl99
From a behavioral psychology perspective, it's essential to consider the reinforcement patterns at play.
Comment from u/urmomaskank
Comment from u/RB1327
That calm “location on her phone” rule goes out the window the moment Sundays start getting skipped, first for illness and then for a hangover.
Parental enforcement of rules can sometimes be perceived as controlling by teenagers, leading to conflicts that can damage the parent-child relationship.
It’s vital for parents to balance authority with understanding, allowing space for their children’s voices to be heard.
Comment from u/asimpledruidgirl
Comment from u/MISKINAK2
Research emphasizes that open communication is vital in addressing behavioral issues with teenagers.
Encouraging them to express their feelings and concerns can create an environment where they feel valued and understood, reducing conflicts.
Comment from u/glassycake
Comment from u/QL58
The tension spikes after the daughter storms out without her phone, and the mom has to tell her to go to her room just to keep the safety rule alive.
Effective communication is essential in resolving conflicts between parents and teenagers. Utilizing active listening skills can foster an environment where teens feel validated and understood.
And it gets even trickier than a teen no-show, it’s like siblings fighting over unequal inheritance based on financial need after their parents died.
Comment from u/princessgee3
Comment from u/NYCStoryteller
Moreover, parental expectations during adolescence can sometimes feel overwhelming to teens.
Finding a balance between guidance and autonomy can foster a healthier relationship.
Comment from u/LimeInternational856
Comment from u/forthewatch39
It gets uglier when the daughter claims “asking for examples is gaslighting,” then fires off c-word insults and insists she has proof the mom has been yelling for months.
Parents should consider setting up regular family meetings to discuss expectations and consequences.
Comment from u/ladymorgana01
Comment from u/LTK622
Practical Strategies for Parents
To encourage responsibility, parents might consider implementing a reward system that recognizes consistent attendance and commitment.
Comment from u/feminist1946
Comment from u/MasterAnthropy
Balancing Authority with Empathy
It's crucial for parents to balance authority with empathy when dealing with rebellious behavior. Understanding the emotional underpinnings of their child’s actions can lead to more constructive interactions.
Comment from u/Jackeltree
Comment from u/Mammoth_Seaweed_6123
And when the mom points to volunteer emails and the daughter counters with “no one cares if you show up,” the whole argument becomes a fight over what commitments even mean.
Another effective strategy is to collaborate with teens in setting their goals regarding volunteer work.
Comment from u/statslady23
The situation surrounding the 17-year-old daughter’s absence from her volunteer job highlights a crucial aspect of parenting during adolescence. This conflict brings to light the importance of patience and empathy in navigating the complexities of teenage behavior. The parent’s insistence on the necessity of volunteer work for college applications underscores the pressure many families feel regarding academic success and responsibility.
Creating a collaborative environment could be essential in resolving this issue. By encouraging open communication, the parent might foster a greater sense of mutual respect and understanding. This approach could help the daughter recognize the significance of her commitments while also allowing her the autonomy to express her feelings about the situation.
The conflict between the parent and their daughter highlights the importance of fostering responsibility through open communication.
Encouraging responsibility through natural consequences can also be an effective strategy. Allowing teenagers to face the outcomes of their choices can promote accountability and maturity.
Finding the right balance between parental control and granting autonomy is a significant challenge during adolescence.
Peer influence plays a significant role during adolescence. Often, a teen's decision to skip responsibilities like a volunteer job may be swayed by friends or social circles.
Understanding this dynamic can help parents approach the situation with more context, recognizing that it’s not solely about defiance but may also involve social pressures.
What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!.
Nobody argues about volunteer hours like it is a custody battle, but this one did.
Still, that wedding blowup over a non-binary partner, where a bride excluded her parents, is even messier, read here.
