Parents Give Their Children $53k Each To Help Pay For Their College Fees, Their Daughter Earns Six Figures While Their Son Is A Couch-Surfing Brat With No Degree
He was demanding more money, but they kicked him out instead.
Most parents hope for their kids to succeed in life. Their children's success means they have done a good job preparing them for what lies ahead, and it also means their kids won't have to rely on them.
OP and his wife did the right thing when they dedicated an education savings fund for their two children early on. They didn't foresee just how expensive schooling would be, but they still saved $106k for their son and daughter to split in half.
OP told his kids about the money, and they could either use it to pay for their college expenses or withdraw it when they turned 21. They advised them to go to a local university where the money would cover most of the expenses.
They left that choice to their kids but explicitly told them it was the last monetary help they would receive. OP's son was the first to go to university.
He chose an expensive school where he had to pay rent, and the annual tuition was around $27k a year. They tried to talk him out of it because there was a better alternative, but he didn't listen. The parents gave up trying to give him advice and told him he had to pay for the path he chose.
On the other hand, their daughter went to an in-state university, lived at home while she studied, and finished her business degree with little to no debt. After two years, their son's money ran out, and he switched majors, which meant another year in school.
He asked OP and his wife for more money, but they said they had already helped him out. He got angry but didn't want to take out any loans, so he started working.
They gave him permission to move in with them during the pandemic to save money faster, but he lost his job. He found another job quickly but spent his salary buying things online.
He got a better job that paid him well, and OP thought he would start saving for college again. This time, their son spent his salary on clothes and video games.
Their daughter is now earning six figures, and their son still hasn't saved anything four years after he took a break from school.
OP's son feels bad about his situation, but instead of improving it, he started slacking off even more. He now plays video games all day and smokes weed, which caused his job performance to suffer, and they fired him.
He receives unemployment benefits, but it still isn't enough to save for his tuition fees. He once again asked OP and his wife to just give him the money, but they told him again that they had already contributed what they could to the $53k education fund, and it was his choice to go to an expensive university.
He reasoned that he didn't understand all of those things when he was just 18 years old, and it was his parents' fault for letting him go to that university. This wasn't the case because they tried to talk him out of that choice, as there was a better alternative, but he refused to listen.
OP told him he should apply for a loan so he could study at the in-state university. He didn't want to and said OP should pay for his studies.
He thinks they have treated him unfairly by not giving him more money, and this has caused a lot of fights within the family. He lives with them rent-free but refuses to do any chores and parties all night, only to disrupt their sleep when he comes home at midnight.
OP and his wife felt they had no choice but to tell him to move out within three months. Their son recently moved out to stay with his friends.
He was angry and yelled that they would not be invited to his future wedding or see his future children. OP's wife wants to give in and pay for their son's tuition so he doesn't end up becoming such a loser.
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Is OP an a**hole for kicking his son out? You can read the full post below:
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"It would cover almost all the tuition at our in-state university."
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The Impact of Financial Support on Development
Research shows that financial support from parents can significantly influence children's educational and career outcomes. For instance, studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology indicate that parental involvement, including financial backing, can lead to higher academic achievement and better job prospects for young adults. However, the relationship between financial support and success is complex, as it also depends on how children perceive and utilize that support.
Dr. Laura Padilla-Walker, a developmental psychologist, emphasizes that teaching financial literacy and independence alongside monetary support is crucial. If children are given money without guidance on its use, they may struggle with financial responsibility in adulthood. This aligns with findings from the University of Michigan, which show that children who engage in discussions about finances with their parents tend to develop healthier financial habits and greater self-efficacy.
Dr. Carol Dweck's research on mindset emphasizes that individuals who believe their abilities can be developed through hard work tend to achieve greater success. In the case of the daughter who is earning a six-figure salary, her growth mindset likely plays a crucial role in her accomplishments. Conversely, the son may be displaying a fixed mindset, believing his situation is unchangeable, which can stifle motivation and ambition.
To encourage a growth mindset, parents should celebrate effort and improvement rather than just results. Providing constructive feedback and reinforcing the idea that failure is a part of learning can help children embrace challenges and develop resilience, paving the way for future successes.
"He wouldn't listen!"
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"We told him he could move back during the pandemic."
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*Spongebob Narrator Voice* "Four years later..."
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A clinical psychologist points out that differences in sibling outcomes, like those seen in this family, can often be attributed to varying levels of intrinsic motivation and personal responsibility. Research on motivation, particularly Deci and Ryan's Self-Determination Theory, highlights the importance of autonomy and competence in fostering an individual's drive to succeed. When parents provide resources without fostering a sense of agency, children may become dependent rather than independent.
To counteract this, parents can encourage their children to set personal goals and take ownership of their educational and career paths. This can involve having open conversations about aspirations and allowing children to make choices about their own finances, which promotes a sense of agency and responsibility.
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The comments said it wouldn't matter if OP paid for his son's tuition because he would continue being a loser.
Think-Level-2029
The Psychology of Entitlement
Studies indicate that a sense of entitlement can develop in individuals who have been overly supported by their parents without corresponding responsibilities. Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychologist known for her work on generational differences, argues that millennials and Gen Z have been raised in environments that prioritize self-esteem and external validation. This can lead to unrealistic expectations about life and work, contributing to feelings of entitlement when faced with challenges.
In this case, the son’s demand for more financial support despite not pursuing education might reflect such entitlement. Research suggests that parents can mitigate this behavior by setting clear boundaries and expectations, which helps children understand the value of hard work and self-sufficiency. This can be achieved by gradually reducing financial support as children transition into adulthood, encouraging them to seek their own solutions and learn from their experiences.
Based on his recent history, we highly doubt he will do well in school. He has been given countless opportunities to better himself, but he wasted all of them.
MontanaPurpleMtns
He chose a challenging path for himself; nobody forced him to, but instead of rising to the occasion, he floundered.
QuaestorLucem
He was given all of the advantages but failed to make anything out of them.
iaincaradoc
Social learning theory posits that individuals learn behaviors through observation and imitation. In the context of this family, the daughter’s success and the son’s lack of ambition could be influenced by their differing experiences and the behaviors modeled by their parents. Research published in the Journal of Psychology suggests that children who observe their parents handling challenges with resilience tend to adopt similar coping strategies.
To foster a growth mindset in both children, parents should model perseverance and healthy coping mechanisms in the face of adversity. Engaging in discussions about failures and what can be learned from them can encourage children to view challenges as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable obstacles.
He is skipping forward through several important steps before he can have that wedding.
BigRedNutcase
He did try very hard to emotionally manipulate and guilt his parents into giving him more money.
artsyaspen
He and his sister were given the same amount of time and money. One of them made it work while the other is couch-surfing with his friends.
Mama-Sawka
Navigating Conflict and Independence
The tension in this family dynamic illustrates an important psychological principle: the balance of support and independence. According to research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, healthy family relationships thrive on a foundation of mutual respect and open communication. When parents provide unconditional support while also encouraging independence, children are more likely to develop a strong sense of self and resilience.
Parents can navigate this balance by engaging in regular family meetings to discuss expectations and boundaries, fostering an environment where each family member feels heard. This practice not only strengthens familial bonds but also empowers children to articulate their needs and desires, ultimately leading to healthier, more productive adult relationships.
He started placing the blame on his parents when he saw his plans weren't exactly going his way.
nothingclever4now
Like what OP said, his son can take out student loans and work while he's studying if he really wants that degree.
Desc440
The parents did all of the right things here: they saved money for their children's education, gave them advice on where they could maximize the money for the best opportunities, and helped them out during a crisis. One of their kids succeeded while the other one is an entitled loser.
OP and his wife may feel sad and disappointed about how their son turned out, but it isn't their fault anymore. They gave him enough warning about the expensive road he chose for himself, but he didn't listen; all he has now are empty threats and a degree he can no longer afford.
Psychological Analysis
This situation highlights the complex interplay of motivation, entitlement, and personal responsibility in young adulthood. The son’s behavior may stem from a lack of intrinsic motivation and an external locus of control, where he sees his circumstances as dictated by others rather than taking charge of his own life. This can lead to feelings of entitlement, especially when he perceives that his parents owe him more support despite his choices. Balancing support with fostering independence is crucial for helping young adults develop a sense of agency and responsibility for their actions.
Analysis generated by AI
Analysis & Recommendations
Ultimately, the lessons from this family’s situation highlight the importance of fostering independence, resilience, and a growth mindset in children. Research from Harvard University demonstrates that teaching children to find intrinsic motivation and set personal goals significantly impacts their long-term success and happiness. By balancing financial support with opportunities for autonomy, parents can equip their children with the tools needed to navigate life’s challenges effectively. The journey to independence is not merely about financial stability; it’s about cultivating a mindset that embraces growth, responsibility, and the value of hard work.
