This Couple Rotates Valentine’s Traditions, But One Simple Decision Exposed Some Major Cracks In Their Marriage

A Redditor is questioning whether she crossed a line after a Valentine’s Day disagreement with her husband spiraled into a much bigger fight. What started as chocolates and traditions quickly turned into a referendum on effort, communication, and trust.

For context, the OP explained that her husband secretly met another woman a couple of times a year for four years and vented about their marriage. While it wasn’t physical, she considers it an emotional affair and says they’re currently trying to reconcile.

Adding another layer, her husband is Japanese, and she’s American, and they rotate Valentine’s Day traditions each year. In Japanese-style Valentine’s, the woman gives chocolates, and the man reciprocates on White Day a month later.

The Redditor also shared that her husband tends to be passive, while she’s often labeled “controlling.” Recently, she decided to stop making requests and let him take the lead on decisions, including Valentine’s Day.

Three days before the holiday, he asked which style they were doing, and she told him it was up to him. After some back and forth, he chose Japanese-style, admitting he didn’t think much about the decision.

That’s when things went sideways, because the OP felt he chose what was easiest instead of considering what she might want. As an American who gave last year, she had hoped to receive something this time.

Her husband argued that she should’ve just told him what she wanted, while she felt he should’ve figured it out himself. The disagreement escalated into accusations of insensitivity versus over-sensitivity.

In edits, the Redditor clarified it wasn’t really about Valentine’s Day at all. It was about lingering hurt from the emotional affair and feeling like the effort still isn’t there.

After reading responses, she admitted the “choice” wasn’t truly a choice and acknowledged deeper unresolved issues. She’s now considering counseling or ending the marriage altogether, depending on how he responds.

The OP felt he chose what was easiest instead of considering what she might want.

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Here's the original post by Reddit user 'bellow_whale',

Background 1: My husband secretly met another woman ~2X a year for four years and complained about me to her while pretending to me that everything was fine. There was no romance, but he shared a lot with her that he didn't share with me, and she encouraged him to lie to me. I gave him another chance and we are supposed to be reconciling now.Background 2: My husband is Japanese and I'm American. Every year we rotate between American and Japanese-style Valentine's. With Japanese style, the woman gives the man chocolates, which he reciprocates on White Day a month later.Background 3: My husband is often passive and I am often labelled as controlling. Recently I told him I will no longer make requests of him (re: housework, planning dates, etc.) and allow him to make all his own decisions. Usually, I bring up Valentine's Day a few weeks in advance and we discuss how we will do it that year. We often can't remember what we did last year, so we have to discuss it. This year, to let him make his own decisions, I bought him chocolate and I let him deal with whether he wants to do it on his own.Three days before Valentine's Day, he asks me which way we are doing it this year. I say it's up to him. He seems to remember doing it American style last year, so he wants to do Japanese style this year. I say okay. The next day, I remember that we actually did Japanese style this year. I tell him so. He asks me what I would like to do then. I say it's up to him. He chooses Japanese style. When I ask him why, he says there is no particular reason and he didn't think about it much. I got upset because it seems like he made the decision based on what is easiest for him rather than considering what I would like.As I am American and we did Japanese style last year, I would have liked to receive something. He says I shouldn't get upset because he would have done it American style if I had told him I want that. However, I think he should have come to that conclusion on his own. At first, I tried not to say anything since I didn't want to control his choice. However, he could tell I was upset so he asked me what was wrong. When I told him, he argued with me about it. Then we got in a big fight where I basically said he is insensitive and he said I am overly sensitive. AITA?EDIT: For me, it's not just about Valentine's Day. It's about the lack of effort, especially after an emotional affair.EDIT 2: Thanks everyone. The consensus is I am TA for giving him a "choice" that was not really a choice, but the deeper issue is the emotional affair and the fact that I haven't forgiven him for it. He checked out of the relationship when he did that, and now I also am checked out of it. We are both forcing ourselves to stay in an intolerable situation. I have written him a long text basically saying that we can try counseling if he wants, but I think it's probably best to just end it. Let's see what he says.

Let’s see how the Reddit community reacted.

saran1111

That was an AH thing to do.

lothil

This is why you shouldn’t play games.

FlyingWithAliens

Yep, YTA.

Therisemfear

Why did you bother asking him?

Beerbelly22

ESH.

Alisaurusrex82

Time for a divorce.

1971ejss

Why not just tell him what you want?

LoFiMuf

Do you even like your husband?

chicagokr80

Valentine’s Day is the least of your problems.

sheramom4

He needs to try harder.

atrifone

Okay, but this is childish.

New-Rooster-4558

He’s not a mind reader.

ms_hopeful

You lied to him.

celticmusebooks

In the end, most readers agreed this wasn’t really about chocolates, calendars, or cultural traditions at all. It was about unresolved hurt, mismatched effort, and a relationship still shadowed by an emotional affair that never fully healed.

The Redditor ultimately admitted that Valentine’s Day just brought long-simmering issues to the surface. Whether they choose counseling or closure, one thing is clear: no holiday can fix a relationship that’s already running on empty.