Man Asks If He Is Wrong For Not Adopting A Kid That His Wife Had During An Affair

One marriage hit a breaking point after a wife asked her husband to adopt the child she had during an affair. He had already agreed to help raise the boy, but adoption was a line he never wanted to cross.

The couple had tried to move forward after the betrayal, and for years they settled into a fragile routine. Now, with the wife pushing for a legal father role and even involving the child, the situation has turned tense all over again.

He says he is done compromising. Now he is wondering if refusing the adoption makes him the bad guy.

Here's the backstory...

I used to have a wonderful relationship with the woman I love. However, five years ago, she got drunk, had a one-night stand, and became pregnant from it. It can't be mine; I can't have kids due to a horseback riding injury I sustained when I was a teen. I didn't get the guy's name, and there's no way to find him, so he's out of the picture. My wife decided to keep the child, and we almost went through a divorce, but couples therapy made us try again. We're still in therapy now, as I still have a hard time trusting her.

That betrayal set the tone for everything that followed.

I mean "fun uncle" sounds like a pretty good compromise..

So, she had her son. I wouldn't adopt him, but I would help raise him and get him off to college. My wife agreed to this, became a stay-at-home mom so she could take care of him with help from her parents, and I've pretty much been the fun uncle type. I play with him, buy him games, try my best not to resent him (and I am in therapy for this), and mostly just stay out of the way of my wife's parenting. He even calls me "uncle" instead of "dad." He knows I'm not his father and is just happy to play video games and chill with me.

Child support?....

Well, recently, my wife started talking about me adopting him, something I'm not willing to do. If they couldn't take him, I wouldn't put him in foster care or anything, but I also wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of being his father when I'm not. I'm happy being an uncle to another man's child, since that's what life threw at me.

Then the adoption talk brought everything back to the surface.

Well that took a turn... manipulation?... Uh oh...

This has greatly upset her, and she's trying to find a way to force me into adopting him. She's even been manipulating the poor kid, saying he should start calling me dad instead of uncle like he has his entire life, which is upsetting and confusing the poor boy. This situation has worked for the last five years, and I don't know why she's trying to change something that isn't broken or force me into a role I told her years ago I wasn't willing to accept, which she was fine with until just recently.

Divorce?!

Update: After reading everything, I told my wife I was leaving and pursuing a divorce. I think I've been ready to do so for a while but just needed the push. This has led to a complete meltdown, but I stayed firm, packed everything up, and moved in with my brother across town. I have already contacted the landlord to tell him I would pay for two more months' rent. After that, everything needs to be switched to her.

This is similar to the guy who adopted a rescue dog against his partners wishes, passion versus practicality.

Oh he's out OUT

Talking to my lawyer, it was verified that, due to the process I went through after the birth to establish I wasn't the father, I would not have to pay child support or alimony, which is something very rare and uncommon anyway where I live. He's already working on the paperwork. I have no idea when it'll happen, but once it does, I'll cut all contact.

The legal part may be the easiest part of this split.

My wife has tried to call and text multiple times, but I've refused to talk. I'll post another update when I know more.

Reddit's Verdict :

A tally of the verdict is that this whole situation sucks, and they both suck... let's look into some replies.

shmambo88

I meannn.... are they wrong?

anchovie_macncheese

A few commenters thought the arrangement was never going to hold up.

IWatchBadTV says,

This is a mess. You should not adopt a child you don’t want. He should have a parent or parents who are enthusiastic. But you are also putting them in a bad position by planning to be present while demonstrating what I can only call a wedge between you and your wife where the child witnesses it. But this is her fault as well. She entered an agreement that she might have assumed would be temporary, but she shouldn’t have. No child should be foisted upon someone reluctant to commit to parenting them.

Sloth-moves says,

Not sure how old the kid is, but at some point, he’s likely going to pick up on the funky situation you all have going on, and that would likely lead to some emotional trauma.Plus, it’s super shady that she’s manipulating the child against you. That’s some serious emotional blackmail.

Now this one...

calypso85

What Do You Think?

After reading all of the responses and getting a deeper look into the story, I think we can all agree that it's way more complex than we could ever imagine.

I don't necessarily think there is a right or wrong "answer" to this situation because it's a sticky one. The responses above provide insight into different perspectives on the situation.

So what do you think... is he wrong for not adopting a child that was conceived during an affair? What about now that you know how the wife reacted?

Before you judge him, see the man keeping an adopted pet after his partner backed out, custody included.