Debt Dilemma: Should I Refuse to Support Partners Dream School Ambitions?

It started with a plan that sounded romantic on paper: seven years together, shared dreams, and the kind of “we’ll figure it out” mindset that makes debt feel like a temporary speed bump. Then the speed bump turned into a whole highway.

OP just graduated with a terminal degree and landed a $150,000 job, all while carefully choosing schools to keep their own debt down. Their partner, meanwhile, racked up six figures of undergraduate debt, is stuck making minimum payments, and now wants a master’s and a PhD in the same field. The catch? She refuses anything that is not her dream school, like Berkeley, and OP is being told it would be unfair to refuse taking on another massive loan.

Now OP has to decide whether “supporting her dream” means signing up for a $300k debt bomb too.

Original Post

New account. Been dating my SO for 7 years (since undergraduate).

Background: I have recently graduated with my terminal degree and started a job making roughly $150,000. Throughout my years of schooling I never chose the best school I got into or a dream school in order to keep my debt down.

My SO took out 6 figures of undergraduate debt and has only been able to make minimum payments due to job outlooks in her degree so is still in 6 figure debt. As we get closer to looking at marriage I have always been fine with accepting that her debt would become mine and that her career choice will make very little money so I will have to shoulder most of it.

This has never been a problem, but now she is looking into her masters and PHD in the same field and refuses to look into any school that's not her dream school. Now for the problem.

With my new salary she has made comments about how it wouldn't be easy but we could pay off a 300k loan for those two degrees and that it's unfair that I got to spend the time in school getting the final degree I wanted while she never did. Even with a PHD her career field is limited and I have tried my hardest to find programs and research positions so that she can get her education paid for without debt.

She has not been interested in these routes as she is only interested in going to a "top school" such as Berkeley.

WIBTA for after 7 years telling her that I would be unwilling to go into more debt for this and breaking it off if she decides to take on more debt

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That boundary tension over money and support also echoes the AITA post where someone refused to tell their family about therapy sessions.

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OP has already accepted that her undergrad debt would eventually become his problem, but the master’s and PhD talk changes the math fast.

When OP points out research positions and programs to reduce debt, their partner shuts it down because she only wants top-school options like Berkeley.

The moment OP’s new salary comes up, her comments about how she “never did” get the dream outcome start sounding less like hope and more like pressure.

With marriage on the horizon and a possible $300k total, OP is left wondering if this is love or just a debt strategy dressed up as ambition.

We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

If OP keeps funding the “dream school” plan, he might be the one stuck paying for it forever.

Still stuck between love and tradition, read about who was “really in the wrong” in this marriage-at-28 family showdown: Challenging Cultural Norms: Navigating Family Expectations on Marriage at 28.