Redditor Asks If He's An A**hole For Refusing To Be Nice To His Abusive Father So His Mom's Divorce Proceedings Will Go Smoothly

A 28-year-old man just wanted his mom’s divorce proceedings to go smoothly, but his dad made that request impossible.

Here’s the mess: his father has untreated bipolar disorder, he’s a registered sex offender, and he’s been violent toward his mother. Even worse, the OP says his dad knows how he feels and does not care. So when the lawyer essentially implies he should act respectful to help the case move along, the OP pushes back, because faking niceness feels like rewarding abuse.

Now he’s wondering if he’s the a-hole for refusing to smile through it.

The Redditor asked if he's an a**hole for refusing to be nice to his father.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

He explained that his father has untreated bipolar disorder and is a registered sex offender.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

The OP says his father has also been violent towards his mother.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

The Complexity of Family Dynamics and Abuse

The individual’s reluctance to engage with an abusive father during divorce proceedings highlights the intricate nature of family loyalty and self-preservation. Individuals often feel torn between familial obligations and personal well-being. This internal conflict can lead to significant emotional distress and complicate the healing process.

Research indicates that estrangement from abusive family members can be a necessary step towards self-care, but it can also evoke feelings of guilt and confusion.

The Redditor says he doesn't like his father and has often been afraid of him.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

His father knows how the OP feels, but doesn't care.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

The OP says he doesn't want to act like he respects his father just because the lawyer says it will help the divorce process.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

The OP’s mom is trying to get through the divorce, but her ex, the abusive sex offender dad, is still in the picture and still a threat.

Studies published in the Journal of Family Psychology show that individuals who distance themselves from toxic relationships often report improved mental health and emotional well-being. This suggests that setting boundaries is crucial for preserving one's mental health during challenging family situations.

The OP says he understands what his mother is trying to do, but he can't go along with it.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

Now he's wondering if he's the a**hole here.

Reddit/Careful-Nail5730

Here's how people reacted.

Reddit/Alternative_Fox3078

That’s when the OP realizes “being civil” means pretending he respects a man he’s been afraid of for years.

Understanding the emotional landscape of estrangement is essential for individuals in similar situations. Engaging in reflective practices, such as journaling or therapy, can help individuals process these feelings and develop healthier coping strategies.

This is similar to an AITA where OP refused to lend money to a brother-in-law who blew his savings on luxuries.

"Most parts of the world have support services available for this sort of situation."

Reddit/Pandelein

"The only A is your abusive father."

Reddit/Few-School-3869

"You may want to consider what the lawyer is saying."

Reddit/crustyintrovert

Meanwhile, his father hears the boundaries coming and shrugs them off, like the OP’s safety and feelings are optional.

Additionally, seeking support from friends or support groups can provide a sense of community and validation during this challenging time. Research indicates that social support is crucial for emotional resilience, particularly when navigating difficult family dynamics.

"These are critical times and will change your lives."

Reddit/mlssac

Have the lawyer explain things to you.

Reddit/FalconJaeger

"His lawyer will claim that your mother has alienated you from him if you show that openly."

Reddit/TurtleGirlK13

Establishing boundaries with abusive family members is critical for emotional safety. Individuals must prioritize their mental health and well-being. By clearly defining what is acceptable and what is not, individuals can protect themselves from further emotional harm.

YTA.

Reddit/Scr0tat0

"You can't fake love for someone you resent."

Reddit/SPolowiski

"Please, please listen to your mom's attorney."

Reddit/WinEquivalent4069

"It would be good to talk to the lawyer directly."

Reddit/Easy-Tip-7860

"Sounds like your mom needs a new lawyer."

Reddit/ughshutit

"It's not clear to me why the lawyer would think you have to pretend to like a physically and emotionally abusive, out-of-control sex offender."

Reddit/Nester1953

So the question lands hard on the Redditor, “Am I the a-hole,” when the only thing he’s really refusing is fake respect during divorce proceedings?

What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think the OP is being unreasonable, or is it understandable that he wouldn't want to play along with the lawyer's advice under the circumstances?

We would love to hear your opinions on this. You can share your thoughts with us in the comment section.

The situation faced by the Reddit user highlights the intricate nature of maintaining relationships with abusive family members.

He might not be the problem, but his dad sure is, and nobody should have to perform niceness to survive him.

Then see why OP refused to lend irresponsible brother money, despite family backlash.