Friend Asks for Money to Get Back at Ex: AITA for Refusing?

A 29-year-old woman refused to lend her best friend money after a breakup, and it turns out that one “small” request turned into a full-blown friendship crisis.

Sarah, 28, had just split from her long-term partner, Dave, and she’s been struggling financially since the breakup. The OP has been there for the emotional fallout, no questions asked, until Sarah asked to borrow a significant amount of money, not for rent or groceries, but to fund a big purchase meant to “get back at Dave” for how he treated her.

Now the OP is stuck between being supportive and accidentally funding revenge, and Reddit is not letting this one slide.

Original Post

So I'm (29F), and my best friend Sarah (28F) recently broke up with her long-term partner, Dave. Sarah has been struggling financially since the breakup, and I've been there to support her emotionally through this tough time.

However, things took a turn when Sarah asked to borrow a significant amount of money from me. The reason she gave was to make a big purchase as a way to 'get back at Dave' for the way he treated her during the relationship.

I was taken aback by this request because it felt like she was using me to seek revenge. I refused to lend her the money, but now she's upset with me, saying I'm not being a supportive friend.

Should I have helped her to show loyalty, or was I right to refuse considering her intentions? For background, I value honesty and loyalty in friendships, and Sarah's request made me question both.

The Dilemma of Friendship and Revenge

This situation digs into the complicated layers of friendship and morality. Sarah's choice to seek revenge on her ex-boyfriend by asking for money crosses an ethical boundary that the OP rightly recognizes. It’s not just about lending money; it’s about enabling vengeful behavior that could hurt Sarah more in the long run.

By refusing to participate in this plan, the OP is taking a stand against toxic patterns that can arise in friendships post-breakup. It highlights that sometimes, true friendship means saying no, even when it feels uncomfortable. The community's reactions reflect a mix of support for the OP's decision and criticism of Sarah's motives, showcasing how divided opinions can be when it comes to loyalty versus moral integrity.

OP was already showing up for Sarah after the breakup, then Sarah switched from emotional support to asking for a “revenge” loan against Dave.

Comment from u/Rainbow_Unicorn77

NTA - That's a red flag. Sarah shouldn't involve you in her revenge plot against her ex. Real friends don't use each other for petty reasons. You made the right call.

Comment from u/StarlightDreamer

YTA - I get where you're coming from, but maybe there's more to Sarah's situation than you realize. She's hurting, and revenge can sometimes feel like closure. You could have talked to her instead of outright refusing.

Comment from u/Guitar_Goddess_99

NTA - Sarah's actions are concerning. Borrowing money to spite someone is immature, and you have every right to protect yourself from being dragged into her drama. Stay true to your values.

Comment from u/PizzaIsLife42

ESH - Sarah shouldn't have involved you in her revenge plan. But maybe there's a deeper issue here that needs addressing. Communication is key in situations like this. Both of you could have handled it better.

When Sarah explained the money was for a big purchase to get back at Dave, the whole vibe changed from healing to weaponizing OP’s wallet.

Comment from u/CoffeeAddict23

NTA - You did the right thing by not enabling Sarah's unhealthy behavior. Friendship should be based on support and understanding, not fueling negative emotions. It's okay to set boundaries.

It’s the same kind of standoff as the AITA where my friend wanted a loan for medical bills, but I refused and spent on a vacation instead.

Comment from u/AdventureTimeFan123

YTA - Sometimes friends make irrational decisions when they're hurting. Sarah might have just needed a sounding board. You could have gently advised her against it instead of outright refusing the loan.

Comment from u/SleepyPandaBear

NTA - It's not your job to fund revenge schemes. Sarah should seek healthier ways to cope with her breakup. You're looking out for her long-term well-being by not participating in this toxic behavior.

The comments start splitting fast, with u/Rainbow_Unicorn77 calling Sarah a red flag, while u/StarlightDreamer suggests there might be more going on behind the scenes for Sarah.

Comment from u/SunflowerChild_88

YTA - Sarah is clearly going through a tough time.

Comment from u/MoonlightMelodies

NTA - Your boundaries are valid. It's concerning that Sarah would use you in this way. Supporting a friend doesn't mean enabling destructive behavior. Stay true to your values and priorities.

Comment from u/ArtisticSoul67

ESH - Sarah shouldn't drag you into her personal vendetta, but you could have communicated your concerns more tactfully. Maybe there's a chance to have an open conversation about boundaries and friendship dynamics.

With Sarah upset that OP refused, the question becomes whether loyalty means enabling a revenge plan, or drawing a hard line after Dave is already out of the relationship.

What's your opinion on this situation? Join the conversation!.

Money Matters in Friendships

The financial aspect of this request can’t be overlooked.

This story illustrates the tightrope we walk in friendships—balancing support with personal ethics.

In this situation, the original poster’s (OP) decision not to lend money to her friend Sarah underscores the tension between loyalty and personal ethics. Sarah's request, framed as a way to get back at her ex, suggests she might be caught up in her emotions and seeking validation through revenge, which the OP rightly sees as crossing a boundary. By refusing to enable this behavior, the OP is prioritizing her own values and the long-term health of their friendship, highlighting the complexities that often arise when emotional turmoil leads to questionable decisions. The heated community responses further reflect the struggle many face when trying to support a friend without compromising their own principles.

Nobody wants to be the bank that helps someone score points against their ex.

Before you decide, read how one friend asked for crisis money, and boundaries blew up.