Father Asks If He's Wrong For Telling Adult Son To Get Over Divorce That Happened Nine Years Ago

Divorce can be a life-changing event, especially when children are involved. This personal story, shared by one father on Reddit, highlights the lasting impact a divorce can have on family dynamics, even when the separation is amicable.

OP and his ex-wife Natalie had been married for years, raising two children, Michael and Lily. While they lost romantic feelings for each other, they continued their marriage as a friendship, primarily for the sake of their children.

Once their son Michael left for college, OP and Natalie made the decision to officially divorce. They believed that they had done everything in their power to minimize the impact on their children, and they continued to have a good relationship, even spending holidays together.

However, the situation took a complicated turn when Michael, now 28 and engaged, continued to harbor resentment over the divorce. Despite it being nine years since the split, Michael's feelings about the situation were still raw and would frequently surface in conversations.

During a recent celebratory dinner with Michael's in-laws, the issue came to a head. Michael made a comment about how the divorce had been a "traumatizing experience," embarrassing OP and Natalie.

Frustrated and at his wit's end, OP told Michael that it was time to "get over it." The situation led to a heated text exchange between OP and his son, leaving OP questioning whether he was wrong to say what he did.

OP asks:

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OP and his ex-wife Natalie had been married for years, raising two children, Michael and Lily. While they lost romantic feelings for each other, they continued their marriage as a friendship, primarily for the sake of their children.

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Once their son Michael left for college, OP and Natalie made the decision to officially divorce.

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Understanding Grief and Closure

Grief can manifest in various forms, often complicating relationships long after the event that triggered it. In this case, the father's insistence that his son 'get over' a divorce from nine years ago may reflect a misunderstanding of the grief process. According to Dr. William Doherty, family therapist, "Grief is not a linear process; it can resurface at unexpected times, and each individual's journey through it is unique." Understanding this can help the father approach his son’s feelings with empathy rather than frustration, as noted by Dr. Brené Brown, researcher, who states, "Empathy is about being aware of the emotions that others are experiencing and responding with care."

However, the situation took a complicated turn when Michael, now 28 and engaged, continued to harbor resentment over the divorce.

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OP told his son to get over it.

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He received angry texts from his son.

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The concept of ambiguous loss, as discussed by Dr. Pauline Boss, illustrates how unresolved feelings from a divorce can linger. This dynamic can occur when one partner has emotionally detached while the other struggles to achieve closure.

Recognizing this ambiguous loss can help both the father and son navigate their emotions more effectively, leading to healthier conversations about the past.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole:

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"If your son wants to vent, he needs to go to a therapist."

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"He thinks they should stay together to keep him happy."

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The Role of Emotional Support

Emotional validation is a crucial aspect of healthy relationships, especially during times of distress. Studies show that individuals who feel understood and supported are more likely to engage in adaptive coping strategies.

For the father, offering emotional support rather than dismissal could significantly improve their relationship and encourage the son to open up about his feelings.

Venting at such an event is simply not appropriate.

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He was already an adult when they divorced...nine years ago. Nine years.

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He has some growing up to do...

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Encouraging open dialogues about feelings and experiences can create a safe space for healing. Research indicates that when family members actively listen and validate one another's experiences, it fosters stronger emotional bonds.

Seeking family therapy might also provide a structured environment for them to explore these dynamics and enhance their communication skills.

NTA it is.

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The bottom line is - OP and his ex do not need to stay together to please an adult child.

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This situation isn't clear-cut, and there's no simple right or wrong. On one side, OP thinks he and Natalie did what was best for their family and tried their hardest to lessen the hurt.

But on the other side, Michael's sense of betrayal and pain is still strong and bothers him a lot. The story shows how family choices can leave marks that last, even if everyone means well.

Just because OP and Natalie have moved on doesn't mean Michael's pain has gone away. It's a reminder that talking openly and caring about each other's feelings in a family is really important because not everything gets better with time.

Psychological Analysis

This situation underscores the importance of emotional validation in family dynamics. It's crucial for the father to recognize that his son's feelings are valid and deserve attention, rather than being dismissed as outdated.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Experts note that grief is a complex, non-linear process that can affect relationships long after the event has passed. By fostering emotional support and open communication, families can navigate these challenges more effectively. Most importantly, understanding that grief doesn't follow a set timeline can help family members be more compassionate with each other.