Husband Devastated After Finding Out That His Wife of 7 Years Is a Lesbian, Feels Lost and Asks Redditors for Guidance

A 34-year-old married man went on Reddit to seek guidance after discovering that his wife is a lesbian. They have been married for seven years and together for ten.

They met in college and quickly became friends. OP didn't think she reciprocated his feelings, so he was pleasantly surprised when she flirted back.

During one of their early dates, she revealed why she was hesitant about sex and dating, telling OP that she had a low libido.

Later in their relationship, she disclosed that she was asexual. Although he didn't fully understand what it meant, he felt enlightened nonetheless.

His wife's asexuality did not negatively impact their marriage. They built a beautiful life together and took care of their 5-year-old dog.

They owned a house and were financially stable—OP was content with the life they had. Their sex life wasn't an issue either.

They were rarely intimate. He cherished the rare occasions they were, and the infrequency of their intimacy made those moments even more special to OP.

He did notice how often his wife masturbated, which puzzled him. He was more than happy to be with her, so he was confused as to why she didn't initiate sexual contact with him.

She was secretive about her activities, only masturbating when OP wasn't home or locking herself in their bathroom.

On a whim, OP decided to look into who his wife followed on Instagram

u/ThrowRA78610

Another surprise: his wife followed many masculine-presenting lesbians

u/ThrowRA78610

His wife had a few lesbian friends, which was never an issue for OP. However, after what he found on her Instagram, he became paranoid that she was cheating on him.

u/ThrowRA78610

The Emotional Aftermath of Relationship Changes

Discovering a partner's sexual orientation can trigger a whirlwind of emotions, particularly feelings of betrayal and loss. Dr. Amanda Roberts, a psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics, notes that such revelations often challenge one's identity and self-worth, leading to a period of intense emotional turmoil. Research indicates that individuals may experience grief similar to that of loss due to the sudden shift in relationship dynamics.

Processing these emotions requires time, self-reflection, and support, as individuals might grapple with questions about their own identity and future.

It took months for OP to build up the courage to confront his wife. She broke down when he finally addressed the matter.

u/ThrowRA78610

His wife said she hated herself for hiding all these years. She was worried about how her religious family would react. She expressed that she didn't want to lose OP but was sure he wouldn't want to see her once the truth was revealed.

u/ThrowRA78610

OP felt a myriad of emotions. He was heartbroken that he couldn't even look at his wife. She had been there during the lowest points of his life. After the confrontation, they haven't spoken and have stayed in different rooms.

u/ThrowRA78610

Understanding the concept of identity development, particularly during adulthood, can provide insights into this situation. According to Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, individuals navigate complex identity issues well into adulthood. Discovering one’s partner's lesbian identity can serve as a catalyst for the husband to re-evaluate his own beliefs and expectations regarding relationships.

This reflection can be uncomfortable but is crucial for personal growth and healing.

His wife stays in her room all day and only goes out to eat. OP can't think. He imagines how miserable he would have been if he were in his wife's position. OP knows that things will never be the same for them.

u/ThrowRA78610

A helpful Redditor directed OP to a website dedicated to helping people in his situation

tercer78, Spicey_Boii

They also advised him to show the Reddit post he wrote to his wife

ApprehensiveSpare925, laurzilla

Coping Strategies for Emotional Distress

In facing such profound changes, it’s essential to employ effective coping strategies. Research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation techniques, such as mindfulness and cognitive restructuring, to manage distressing thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness practices can help individuals stay grounded and present, reducing anxiety related to future uncertainties.

Additionally, seeking support from friends, family, or professional counseling can provide the necessary space to express feelings and gain perspective.

A commenter admonished OP for thinking that he forced his wife to be with him

Life-Yogurtcloset-98

It isn't his fault that his wife hid her sexual identity from him

Life-Yogurtcloset-98

OP informed Redditors that he left their home to stay at a hotel temporarily.

u/ThrowRA78610

Therapists often recommend journaling as a powerful tool for processing emotions. Writing down thoughts can help individuals articulate their feelings, gain clarity on their experiences, and explore new perspectives. Dr. James Pennebaker’s research supports that expressive writing can lead to significant reductions in emotional distress and improve psychological well-being.

Creating a narrative around the experience can help individuals regain a sense of control over their story and promote healing.

Five months later, he posted a longer update. He and his wife got divorced two months after she came out to him. They sold their house, and his wife moved to a different city.

u/ThrowRA78610

They still call each other from time to time just to check in. OP can't find it in himself to sever ties with his ex-wife completely.

u/ThrowRA78610

Redditors urged OP to reconsider staying in contact with his ex-wife. They said it would help him move forward and focus on his own mental health.

OP stated he would do his best to keep his distance from her, but he didn't see how going no-contact with his ex could improve his life. He is going to therapy, which has helped tremendously.

Psychological Analysis

This situation highlights the profound impact of identity revelations on relationships. It's common for individuals to experience a range of emotions, including confusion and grief, as they navigate this transition. Engaging in reflective practices and seeking support can aid in processing these feelings constructively.

Analysis generated by AI

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Processing the emotional aftermath of discovering a partner's sexual orientation is a complex journey that requires understanding and support. Studies consistently show that employing effective coping strategies, such as mindfulness and expressive writing, can significantly enhance emotional well-being.

Ultimately, navigating these emotions may become a pathway for personal growth and deeper self-understanding.