From Commissary Debt To Family Guilt — This Redditor’s Brother Called Collect Again

Some families keep score with birthdays and holidays. This one keeps score with prison calls, commissary debt, and the kind of “he’s home, everything’s fine” routine that lasts about a week.

OP, a 31-year-old brother, has a 37-year-old sibling, R, who has been in and out of jail for two decades, fueled by drug and gambling addictions that somehow turn every release into the same play. Day 1, R shows up with Mom, gets a phone and food, then disappears for 24 to 48 hours to get high, often by selling the phone or stealing a car. Day 3 or 4, he calls again, asking for drug-debt help or a pickup from a crack house, and by the end of the week police are involved again.

Then, after OP blocks R’s prison number for peace, R calls from a different prison line with a debt problem that might be the latest excuse.

This cycle has repeated itself four or five times, even after the family tried moving him away from his usual crowd.

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Original Post

I 31M have a brother 37M(I’ll call him R) that for the better part of the last 2 decades has been in and out of jail. R has a drug and gambling addictions that more or less feeds off each other. My brother for lack of better words is a crappy criminal. He does the same routine every time he gets out of prison to the point it’s almost comical.

Day 1. He gets out of jail and hangs out with Mom. She usually gets him a phone, food, temporary place to stay while he waits for a spot in rehab. Once she leaves he goes missing for 24-48 hours to get drugs. Usually by selling his phone or stealing a car. Day 3 or 4. He reaches out after his high is over to either have mom attempt to pay off some drug debt/escorts/gambling or pick him up from a crack house and or take him back to his current residence. By end of week his gone missing again and we usually just wait for him to get picked up my police for stealing a car. This has been the case for the last 4-5 times he’s gotten out of prison. We’ve moved him out of his city so he couldn’t be in contact with his dealers but he chooses to go back or find new people to aid in his addiction. So after his most recent arrest (6 months ago) I decided to block his prison # for peace of mind. At least Until R decided to do better for himself. Yesterday I get a call from a different prison # and regrettably answer. R tells me he accrued a massive prison debt from borrowing snacks and other commissary items (prison no no #1 don’t borrow shit) and the debt has doubled and tripled. Now multiple people in his unit are telling him he needs to pay up or else things are about to get real difficult. I flat out refused. Saying we already don’t have a great relationship due to his actions and I refuse to help in a problem he created for himself and likely is drug related. My brother feels like family should help regardless of circumstance and that I’m letting my emotions over how I feel about him cloud my judgment as he is in dire need of help. I blocked his number and called our Mom about the situation and she supports my decision but I do feel somewhat guilty even though I know he put this problem on himself. So AITA?

Let's see how the Reddit community reacted.

Deleted user

He clearly needs to learn the hard way.

TouchoMySpaghetto

You need to stop bailing him out.

AfternoonGullible983

If you clear his debts, he'll only create more.

DanFante1972X

He needs to be responsible for his own actions.

Cannabis-aficionado

NTA.

Killer-Barbie

It’s the same kind of family blowup as a bride excluding her sibling after their public criticism of her partner.

He'll never learn if you keep enabling him.

subsailor1968

Nope, he's an adult.

Individualchaotin

Time for him to take care of himself.

willf6763

100% buying drugs and gambling.

Deleted user

He needs to learn somehow.

SuperLoris

Time for him to man up and do his time.

bigben7102

You need to protect yourself.

No_Detective_715

The whole “Mom buys the basics, then R vanishes for 48 hours” pattern has already happened four or five times, so OP is not exactly walking into this with optimism.

Even when OP and the family moved R away from his usual city to cut off his dealers, he still found a way back, like the addiction has its own GPS.

The call OP picks up is not from the prison number he blocked, it’s a new line, and R is suddenly talking about commissary snacks like it’s an emergency.

OP refuses to pay, and now R’s unit mates are warning him things will get “real difficult,” which is a nasty twist on an already ugly family cycle.

In the end, the OP isn’t questioning whether his brother is in trouble — he knows he is. The real question is whether love means constantly cleaning up the mess or finally stepping back and letting consequences do what years of bailouts couldn’t.

Now OP has to decide if he’s willing to keep feeding the same prison-to-family guilt machine.

That “collect again” guilt hits hard, but wait until you see someone asked parents to cover wedding expenses their guest list changes caused.