Woman Wonders If She'll Be The AH For Not Keeping Her Teenage Daughter's Secret About Her Ex And His Wife

A 28-year-old woman is trying to run her divorce situation like a grown-up, and it is immediately blowing up in her face. Her big goal is simple: she wants her teenage daughter to trust her, feel safe talking to her, and never have to carry adult drama like it’s a backpack full of bricks.

But her ex and his wife have been playing a different game, breaking an agreement and tossing their daughter into a no-win choice. The daughter plans to go with them, then gets told she cannot come because something else she wants to do matters more to her schedule than their plans. OP says it is not the beach trip itself, it is the timing and the pressure, plus the fact her ex “transgressed” and is trying to keep it buried.

Now OP is stuck wondering if she is the AH for not keeping her daughter’s secret about her ex and his wife, especially when the whole thing is about trust.

OP writes

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

The OP wants to establish an open and trusting relationship with her daughter

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

It’s forcing OP's 13-year-old to choose doing something she loves

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

OP’s daughter loves something that evening, and suddenly her ex and his wife act like that choice is the problem, not the broken agreement.

This situation sheds light on the intricate dynamics of family secrets and their far-reaching effects on relationships.

As usual, the comments roll in and here are a bunch of them

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

They can come to the OP anytime

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

Keeping his transgression somewhere

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

The ex “breaking the agreement” hits like icing on the cake, because OP feels like her daughter is being forced to pick sides without even realizing it.

Research in family therapy supports the idea that transparency can enhance relational dynamics.

This is similar to the friend who invited her ex on a trip without telling her, and the OP wondering if backing out makes her the AH.

It's not like he's always working

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

The OP says more in the comments:

My younger daughter is not a factor in this because this isn’t about the wife taking the kids to the beach. She gets to go no matter what. It’s about my ex and his wife putting my 13-year-old in a position where she has to choose, and instead of going quite literally any other day of the week (which is what I would do as a parent), they are telling her, “Oh sorry, you can’t come with us because there’s something you want to do that evening.” There’s no reason why they couldn’t go first thing in the morning and leave at 2 PM even to make it work; they’re just choosing not to.I just think it’s a terrible thing to do to a kid. Him breaking the agreement is just the icing on the cake.

Changing their plans last minute

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

Don't put your kid in the middle

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

When commenters suggest OP should keep his transgression somewhere, OP pushes back that kids should not be used as messengers in adult feuds.

Trust is a foundational element in any relationship, and its absence can lead to significant distress.

Enough secrets

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

He's a full-blown narcissist

Reddit/floatingonsunshine

The wife taking the younger kid to the beach is apparently the easy part, but the 13-year-old being told “no” at the last minute is what really twists the knife.

The OP's children being in danger is the only time she should betray their trust with a secret. OP was told to remind her kids that they can trust her and that they can come to her with anything, but also that adults should never expect children to keep "secrets."

The OP was declared the AH if she should betray her daughter's trust. Leave your own verdict in the comments section below.

Moreover, the implications of revealing a secret can vary significantly based on the nature of the information.

In this situation, the delicate balance between protecting a teenager's privacy and maintaining honesty within the family is at play. The mother faces a challenging decision about whether to uphold her daughter's secret regarding the ex and his new wife. This scenario highlights the importance of open communication, as withholding information can lead to misunderstandings and mistrust. By fostering an environment where transparency is valued, families can better navigate complex dynamics and ultimately strengthen their relationships.

OP might not be the AH, but she is definitely done playing hide-and-seek with her ex’s mess.

Before you decide what to tell your daughter, read how one family secret almost derailed their move in a Redditor’s moral dilemma over a hidden secret.